WHY READ THE BIBLE? April 27, 2007 10:50 a.m.

When you really read the words of the Bible and understand it, your concept of life becomes clearer. Why you’re here, why you do the things you do and hardships you face are happenings to learn and grow from. I wonder if other people get the “I get it” moment? I had it about 3-5 hours reading through the bible online. It makes sense of why everything happened and why we must love God and appreciate how the gift of Jesus and Mary are bigger gifts than any ring, linen, perfume or any other material possession you ever received. Discipline is a must when sacrificing everything for God. Its only through the devils temptations or work comes chaos, war, famine, suffering, pain, etc.
Its through eternal love and knowledge of God do we reach the heavenly kingdom. Your goal in life, or in your long life destiny is to be a holy example and even a missionary. Do you embrace your pain and suffering with love and forgiveness always in your heart? No need to be skeptical because he (God) is the divine father who gives us life and saves us to be beautiful and to always love.

ME IN THE MIRROR April 23, 2007 Monday

I look at old pictures of me and see a beautiful person who I want to cheer up and slap her pain away. Tell her she’s smart and don’t let anyone else tell her any different. Tell her to never date and give herself to God and become a nun. Tell her to go to church all the time and pray everyday. Tell her to give up all material possessions and realize that love comes naturally. Just tell her that the meaning of life lies within church and not in malls, magazines, music or looks. Shelter your love in God, watch and listen to him.

ARE YOU READY? April 22, 2007 Sunday 11:29a.m. Earth Day

Are you ready? Behind your skepticism are numerous versions of both truths and lies. You lead up to your own conclusion through your own experiences and teachings. Beliefs are spiritual happenings of goodness and love. We of course suffer in pain as well but a divine strength tells us in our heart and soul everything is/will be okay with our love of God. Not only our love but our genuine belief and devotion to spread his strength and vision. I ask you now, as a Catholic who has had a vision of Jesus himself, are you ready for him to love you and you love him? Ready to get rid of the skepticism and be a true believer in God, Jesus and Virgin Mary.

WE'RE NOWHERE PERFECT BUT WE STILL ARE HARD ON OURSELVES October 25, 2006 Wednesday 4: 54 a.m.

No matter how beautiful we look in a picture, how well we present ourselves or even how funny we make others laugh- there’s always a shred of doubt in our minds that makes us a stressful and unachievable self. Our strive to be the most of anything blinds our true self of individuality. Then our own character becomes another actor being lead with the herd of sheep. If we’re not exactly like others, we become self conscious. Inevitably leading to self destructive behaviors like smoking, anorexic, bulimic, plastic surgery, jealous behavior, easily influenced, drugs, drinking and so forth. If loving yourself is real difficult then it also becomes harder for others to love you or your to love another because you’re constantly aiming for perfection. Individually, we’re all different species. We’ll do whatever it takes to please a future spouse. What we do isn’t for everyone. We get braces, breast implants, penis enlargements, hair removal, hairstyles, hair implants, buy clothes…the list goes on. Once we altered one flaw then its just building blocks of thinking well now my lips don’t match my new nose.

PATIENCE CAN BE TRIED EVERY SINGLE DAY October 25, 2006 Wednesday

Functioning in society entails patience in every single dimension of your life. You’re not going to get everything you’ve ever wanted in life at the snap of your fingers. Patience involves persistence, gradual experience and process of elimination. A “give me right now” attitude calls for failure and frustration. Everyday ones patience is tried. For example, your turn for the bathroom, lost keys, what to eat, spouse parked behind you, traffic jam, you make lunch or not, late for work, hours soon cut, back home to traffic, children have needs, spouse has needs, bills to pay, vacations, holidays, pets, gas, clothes, anniversaries. Time is a coin toss. Spend it well.

THE PEN IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD August 04, 2006 2:39 a.m.

I pick up the pen and feel the magic of everlasting moments, moments I’ll forget that I’ll read later and remember or even moments I anticipate doing. Also, I reminisce about my day, weekend or month. I guess the magic is the beauty of expression, details of your story and your own point of view or version. Its what I’m going through, how I feel, what’s happening and coping mechanisms that help myself out. Basically, its just a lot of this journaling road of my journey in life. I never could remember the dreams I have so writing down my dreams was never that important to me. I do write down some dreams if I find them spectacular in any way. I write about the earth a lot. I’d like to have everyone to have fun saving vehicles, recycle, cut down less trees, plant more trees, pick up litter and so forth. Mother earth is so important to me. I write about people I know and love a lot like David and my family. I like to write about poetry too about worldly issues like war, crime, sex, relationships, family, friends, how people can treat each other terribly, power, money, fame, greed, kids, animals, loneliness, politics, being native American, ranking system, education, David, mom, nature---lots of that! Yes I do write about my cancer as well. Everything needs to be said about cancer to heal.
I give my heart to:
God
Mom
My brothers
My sisters
My boyfriend
My family (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.)
My friends
My neighbors
My enemies
My city
My state
My country
My world
My universe
My galaxy
My self
All about me me me!!…sike My oh my
Love myself

IN MEMORY OF LOVED ONES May 28, 2006 Memorial Day weekend

In memory of… oh what a saying. We remember our past loved ones but also those who have served in our own military. I still find it weird my cousin Jessie passed away because she was the same age as me. It seems unfair too but God has special plans for all of us I guess. I wish I could’ve told her good bye or chit chatted with her. Told her she meant a lot to me in grade school which essentially made a huge impact in my whole life. I’d even like to say that to others as well. Just really weird to imagine that we all die at some point. I think its mysterious beyond belief. I hope in heaven there’s music too.

TRYING TO BE CONTENT May 3, 2006

Content is the person living as if tomorrow will not come tomorrow. We imagine ourselves in a state of mind that we’re nothing past our deaths. We still exist past our deaths as a form very much human either knowing other loved ones or the same ones we know through this existence today. Spiritually we continue to be an entire soul taking numerous spiritual forms. Much is unknown to man for many reasons because of various factors. Most commonly is the fear of unknown and the mental state of mind being seen as insanity. Generally, we’re given a limited amount of memory and given a certain aspect of reality vs. non-reality. Making up our own minds about wrong vs. right depends on our upbringing too. We’re not all given a “role-model” to guide us in lives. Through terrible leads of suggestion, some tumble in the cracks of society with misguidance from parents, peers, society and media. The biggest influence comes from parents who are the hugest influence in the child’s future behaviors. Although, a parent can only teach and guide so much. There are certain individuals who are, for some strange reason, born bothersome. Bothersome in the context that they have sociopath type personalities, mental depression and so forth kind of problems. No common sense can be dysfunctional to say the least because there are individuals like this. You stand back and think…you’ve got to be kidding me! I myself have my own private prayers/talk with God asking for patience and a sense of relief when dealing with such individuals. Que sera- sera. I broke down one day like a little baby like a few weeks ago when I came across such an individual. You get…well I get angry at someone but then I get angry at myself because I shouldn’t be an ass hole to others because of karma can be a kick in the ass three fold. So it’s a lost cause in most situations given the resource. At the time the temptation to rip heads off can be overwhelming but you realize…nahhh…its just not worth it.

~~SERENITY YOURS~~ April 23, 2006

Creating serenity with what you have now takes a lot of talent. The “I want what they have” mentality gets you nowhere in life. You got a different nose but do you really feel better about yourself? You starve yourself to lose weight but do you really feel better? You’re wearing the same shirt but yours cost $105 and mine $8- is it really much nicer? Everything is meaningless until you yourself put the value in your own self being. You already have almost everything there is to offer. Yeah its not designer but that’s just bragging rights for another who will never know their self worth until they realize they don’t need it all fancy. Creating your own serenity means being comfortable with yourself and putting value in what you have right now. Sameness can be boring and repetitive. We all have talent that’s a taste of our own blend of splendor. Use it all the time and make it your own fascination and freshness.
Use it by re-painting those 20 year old bookshelves, moving furniture around and re-valuing your clutter with treasures needing to be seen. Also, work on yourself in mind always. Shop for clothes that make you comfortable more than anything. Find ways to make your own look natural and pure as gold. Nothings more refreshing than individualism. Don’t get angry when another is jealous or belittles you either. Walk away from poisonous individuals because they’re the ones in serious pain still seeking love in themselves. One day they’ll find it though. Its just that one day they felt unloved and wasn’t given much respect by the ranks of societal B.S. Wouldn’t it be nice to hug this person and tell them serenity is yours if you really wanted it- then hugged them and gave them a sucker. Oh what a world- we should do that more often.

~~CONTINUAL ACHE~~ April 23, 2006 Sun.

Humans on a continual basis ache for much more. Aching for a lifetime partner, a place of residence that says its us, a vehicle to get us from A to B with certain standards in mind but most of all we think of a certain burn of what our “call” is in life. We stand in line at the supermarket pondering details of what should be done tonight or tomorrow. We replicate each other but mysteriously try to be more unique than the next person. We pinch ourselves when we’ve acted like a jackass or rude to another knowing damn well it did no good. We exam our income planning what’s/how much for good, gasoline, bills and so forth. We pull teeth at work thinking more can be said of me than this.

We embrace our own deity faithfully examining our good deeds vs. bad. We selfishly turn to a pack of coyotes when some hyenas invade our space in a disgruntling manner or even if they’re going somewhere else and just ignoring or fighting with them. We watch television secretly wanting everything you see. We feel alone when we do have a good family or nice mate. We all hide in our own way behind the doors of war, child molestation, murders, rapes, adultery, cursing, unforgiving, alcohol, and drug abuse, littering and so forth. We bloom to a new day knowing a loved one has cancer, HIV or other terminal disease.
When it all comes down to the earthly order of things we’re all living our ache venturing lives. Positioning ourselves as a complete whole. No better or worse than anyone else. When we remember ourselves as humans we remember that we all want to be loved, we all contribute to our family’s strength, we grow as a community when we leave out judgment and hatred, we all appreciate our spiritual society- but most of all we get back ten fold in whatever we put out in all of these. Ache for your own individualistic growth.

WHAT DO YOU THINK KEEPS PEOPLE GOING IN LIFE? January 5, 2006 4:51 a.m.

First and foremost, I think love keeps everyone aboard. Love conquers hate, ignorance, wars and so much more out there. Plus, a passion for something which is their own love feeding their own unique will to live. People can be passionate about many tings like quilting, sewing, work, hunting, collectors, books- its many things really. Often times its peoples love for their own pet is what keeps them functioning and going. Pets can be dominating forces in some people lives that often it’s a common bond with other people. In some people it could be a weekly conversation with someone that you just talk to about the world or so forth. Its often a job alone that they’ve worked for since they were really young. So that’s all they’ve ever done. Without work it could be that their whole life went down the drain for them. Many in the world want to find their true soul mate and won’t quit till they do so. Many keep going from a wide assortment of things like spending time on fishing, hunting, competition or coaching. As weird as it seems but drugs and alcohol keep some people going where it feeds their craving. A lot of determination keeps many going. With David’s huge determination he can sometimes overwhelm me with too much. There’s just so much out there that keeping many going-- clothes, food, home, opposite sex, families, vehicles, jobs, entertainment, sports, phone calls, music, their own looks, writing, poets, church, beliefs, health, medicines, power of mind, shoes, will, determination, force, strength, endurance, happiness, talents, children, parents, spouses, blankets, boats, stocks---well a variety of many things. Love is a determining factor in keeping everything going. So, yes we are all creatures of love who not just want to give love but receive it as well. I shall let others be my long life Duracell battery keeping me going and going and going.

PHOBIAS, SOMETIMES THEY CAN BE MUCH October 23, 2005 12:55 a.m. Sunday

As a kid I was scared of closets thinking there was someone there. Seeing the Shining as a kid was really ass scary too. I guess you could say I have fears that range from social to the unknown. For example, I’m not great at public speaking, I don’t like driving head on with other cars, I don’t’ like to be outside in the dark alone without a dog or someone else, getting weird feelings/vibes from some people, certain movies, TV programs and watching them alone, mice, (many/most rodents), getting shot in the head for some weird and strange reason (I don’t like to be in windows too long), losing teeth (not a huge fear) and not knowing about my cancer. These are my most common fears. Oh yeah I also worry about David and hope he gets to his destinations as well- my family too. I also had a fear of him leaving me for someone else. Oh yeah when he drove like with Ben or Dave- both Daves that they’d hurt my babe. I worry about that. These are my overall fears, mice really scare me.

WHEN IT COMES TO SMELL- WHAT DO YOU THINK? May 19, 2005

Ever since I can remember I’ve always had a very sensitive smelling sense. I’ve always been sensitive about smelling something terrible. I like sweet, pleasant, nice smells. Or nothingness is nice too. When there’s a foul odor I go absolutely insane until I fix that certain smell. I got rid of the best cat I ever had because the litter smell was just too strong for me. Smells that will irritate me are smelly feet, fishy odors, dirty garage, old homes, homes with cats or dogs, algae/fungi, under armpit and stuff like that. Since my chemo, alcohol has been a weird smell for me. After David’s showers that also reminds me of chemo days. There’s just certain smells that remind me of chemo. I really enjoy the smell of fresh flowers, scented candles, clean clothes, freshly baked bread, homemade cooking, babes under armpit deodorant, strawberries, peaches, cucumbers, pizza restaurants, some bubble baths, passing mint fields, lotions, crisp new money, bubble gum, root beer, oranges, sweat under watch, corn, fresh cut grass, barbecued stuff, women’s light perfume, fresh new car smell, newborn babies, just rained smell, back of babes neck, chap sticks, cinnamon rolls, pennies and lots of other things I might have forgotten. These things I really love to smell. When choosing my own bathroom, lotion, kitchen, laundry, candle smells or incent smells- they have to be pleasant, soft, nice and soothing to my nose senses. Automatically, I can either like, love or hate it. When its just a like then I have to q question whether or not to buy or not. I think a lot of people were born without a lot less of a nose smelling system as me. When I like things but can’t rid of the smell then I just throw it away. Or I’ll Clorox the heck out of it and see if I can get rid of the blasted smell. Usually, Clorox is really good when you want to get rid of a smell. So as you can see I’ve always had this as a very sensitive issue for me. David has to drive others in the red car just so they don’t smell up the white car. I don’t mind smoke at casinos but when its around me in any other places I go off the insane edge. Smoking is very strong for me. Well cat litter, smoke, stink feet, butt odor, ass odor are all really nasty smells that are a little irritable. My answer is shower, change your cat litter, change/wash socks, do laundry and keep clean.

WHAT DO YOU LOVE ABOUT NATURE? May 09, 2005

I love the fact that I live in a place that has four seasons. I get to see fall, spring, summer and winter. So you get the best of all worlds. In Everett, all you got was rain and that’s it. That really sucks. I mean you get an occasional sunshiny day but you mostly remember the rain that comes all the time. When it was sunny you’d go out and there’d be like butt loads of people out. I mean there’s just thousands and thousands of people over there. It’s just so crowded and over congested that its not even funny. Anyways, back to nature. I love the very high cascade mountains, the shady clouds of fog, the wind blowing against the weeds, tall weeds, sunsets, sunrises, sun against the water, freshly cut grass, fruit trees, deep woods, snowfalls, waterfalls, calm lakes, windy rivers, thousands of bugs, loads of fields, flowers, moon, stars, deserts, oceans, falling stars, hundreds of animals, butt loads of bugs, caves, gardens, planted trees, shrubs, seasonal decorations and loads of other nature that I probably missed. I think its sad when we ourselves tear our own nature by building homes, buildings and other development. Who am I to say. I think people ought to recycle too so we don’t have to t ear even more of our nature. I think its just madness. What I enjoy about getting into nature itself is the freshness, the refreshing ness, the openness and the clear, crisp fresh feeling of vast open land. Its really a natural gorgeous thing- I swear it is. Plus, when you see wild animals its always a cool thing to see. I mean the animals are free and not even caved in like a zoo animal. There’s always something nice about lots of land. I know that if one finds land today though they’ll want to buy it and build a freakin home on it. There’s just no getting away from this continual growth of population. Nature’s there but its constantly being bombarded with new roads, new streets, new buildings, new homes, new development and meeting the needs of new life! I remember one night over there in Everett I wanted to go for a nature walk that wasn’t close to the highway. Well I drove and drove for miles and I just kept running into homes everywhere. I was honestly exhausted at the end of the trip. It was insanity. I felt like crying there for awhile because of my frustration. It was pretty sad too because I was so sad at that point thinking its out of my control. When I see orchard trees being torn up I get scared thinking there’ll just be a neighborhood of homes coming in. so its just nature can be there but you have to look around. I’m just weirded out by all the houses being built. We honestly need to repair out old crime driven neighborhoods and turn those homes to nice ones. I think nature is too beautiful of a thing to just overtake and crush. I should like we’re murdering things but we need to carefully adapt to what we have now and take advantage of resources we have now. Nature should not be forced with because she controls our world temperatures and attitudes. Mother nature is one force not to take lightly. We all should love our land, nature, mother earth and appreciate the earth we have. At some point you have to stop growth!!

WHAT DO YOU FEAR LOOKING TOWARDS YOUR FUTURE? May 5, 2005

Honestly, I hope my cancer is under some control in the liver area. That’s a nasty place to have cancer. I hope after chemo and radiation it strays calm and don’t remission like other women who have had some cancer. I’m very ass scared of losing my whole breast. The thought alone is very nerve wracking and unpleasant to think about. I mean it’s a huge part of your femininity. Just like losing my hair- its very hard and difficult to deal with. After all this cancer stuff is done David will go on about looking for work again. That’s going to be a headache in itself. Work- or looking for work for me is stressful for me. Plus he’ll go on about losing weight- you gotta eat better…you gotta exercise. I’ll never hear the end of it. So these are my fears towards the future. Most of all, my health is what I’m concerned about. I also fear that I’ll not be able to have kids. I kind of know already but I think by some miraculous miracle I could possibly have my own child. Who knows really. Only the good man upstairs knows. I fear that if I can’t fight this cancer- I worry about funeral costs, my family being left behind and most of all- David being completely alone. I fear this often. I know its not healthy but realistically, I don’t know my cancers strength. I will fight my hardest but sometimes things happen. All of these are all life long questions, fears and struggles I’ll have in my future. They’re very serious questions of fate and what shall be become of my own very life. I pray for the best all the time and hope my cancer is a lot better than it was before. Also, I fear leaving nothing left behind that says something true about the real honest Jenna as herself. I’d like to leave a legend of myself that is beautiful and memorable. I hope to do so by all this writing. All in all, I hope to do as much as I can while I’m healthy and simply enjoy every single day as if it were special and true of meaning. Right now I’m taking every day one day at a time!!

WHEN LOOKING BACK AT HISTORY- WHAT ARE SOME THINGS YOU FIND SHOCKING, AMAZING OR VERY BIZARRE? May 4, 2005

Just recently the 9/11/01 World Trace Towers falling was very upsetting and disturbing all across not just the USA, but the world as well. That was absolutely uncalled for. No one deserved that. It was an act of terror and nothing good came out of it. Innocent lives were lost for no reason. Plus, a valuable piece of history was shattered. The rise of Hitler was another shocking piece of history. I can’t believe a man of his stature could have the ability to take over areas and kill thousands of people. That’s just shocking. The eventual becoming of American government itself is very ballsy and shocking. We basically are run by men who just eventually ran down others to have a controlled government. I think the native Americans were just robbed and murdered if they refused to move. Forced to sign papers once they were decimated by disease and war. It was practically the end for the native Americans. it’s a surprise that there are even some native Americans left in the United States. Any type of war is insane to me.
Men killing each other for their own country. Thousands of men- no wait millions of men have died throughout these years for what? Land, religion, territory and so forth. that’s what it basically comes down to in war. In Iraq today, the U.S. is trying to have complete control of all the oil. Meanwhile innocent lives are lost because top men are wanting control of oil. Dirty birds- they are I swear.
Now, women have only recently got any type of say in the politics, writing, publishing, acting or anything- oh voting. I find this particularly odd because I find men overbearing but really ass stupid. In years to come, women will be an even stronger force because they are the force behind products, business, two home/ job lives and more control of what they want. Also, the way blacks were treated was horrendous. They were hanged, buried, tortured and hundreds of other things. Many years they’ve fought for freedom just like other past races. Eventually, they got rights but it was a long struggle and battle for them. Even the Asians in the 1920’s fenced in being called yellow skins or some crazy shit like that. I have to say- our ancestors had it pretty rough. I know racism still exists today but they can prosecute your ass if its against the government. There’s still territorial, religious, land and other feuds happening today. What a shame! What a shame!
Even in middle east, women are treated terribly by men. They can’t vote, get beaten up and treated disgustingly. Some say U.S. is great but we’re getting to be the fattest, laziest, biggest driving, diseased country out there. I can’t brag too much about U.S.A. I can’t complain either when you look at other country laws. We’re a step ahead in that department. In some ways we’ve progressed and other ways we’re slacking in some departments. Overall though, I think we should work on shipping/distributing products in and out of U.S.A. with more aggression, not with les aggression that is. We don’t need to take over the whole damn world. What we need is world peace, more people recycling and less homes being built. Our earth is precious. We all need to take care of earth and she’ll love us back. On this route she’ll hiccup and then an earthquake will come. You never know. I’ve seen quite a lot in history. There’s tons of other stuff I forget. There’s just so much out there that anyone can relate to. Domination, control, justice, peace or power were all tactics behind wars, leaders, destruction or force. Does history repeat itself? Who knows….?