WHAT DO YOU FEAR LOOKING TOWARDS YOUR FUTURE? May 5, 2005

Honestly, I hope my cancer is under some control in the liver area. That’s a nasty place to have cancer. I hope after chemo and radiation it strays calm and don’t remission like other women who have had some cancer. I’m very ass scared of losing my whole breast. The thought alone is very nerve wracking and unpleasant to think about. I mean it’s a huge part of your femininity. Just like losing my hair- its very hard and difficult to deal with. After all this cancer stuff is done David will go on about looking for work again. That’s going to be a headache in itself. Work- or looking for work for me is stressful for me. Plus he’ll go on about losing weight- you gotta eat better…you gotta exercise. I’ll never hear the end of it. So these are my fears towards the future. Most of all, my health is what I’m concerned about. I also fear that I’ll not be able to have kids. I kind of know already but I think by some miraculous miracle I could possibly have my own child. Who knows really. Only the good man upstairs knows. I fear that if I can’t fight this cancer- I worry about funeral costs, my family being left behind and most of all- David being completely alone. I fear this often. I know its not healthy but realistically, I don’t know my cancers strength. I will fight my hardest but sometimes things happen. All of these are all life long questions, fears and struggles I’ll have in my future. They’re very serious questions of fate and what shall be become of my own very life. I pray for the best all the time and hope my cancer is a lot better than it was before. Also, I fear leaving nothing left behind that says something true about the real honest Jenna as herself. I’d like to leave a legend of myself that is beautiful and memorable. I hope to do so by all this writing. All in all, I hope to do as much as I can while I’m healthy and simply enjoy every single day as if it were special and true of meaning. Right now I’m taking every day one day at a time!!