BIRD POOPED ON HEAD

Mom and I were walking up to the canal and we stopped so she could tie her shoe. I was sitting right under a power line when a bird pooped right on my head. It was warm on top of my head. I just thought this one was funny because I heard this was good luck to have a bird poop on your head. I think I’ve had somewhat of a good luck throughout my whole life.

BREAST CANCER FRIEND SHOWED ME HEAVEN

David had a friend in Everett he worked with. I got to meet his wife and she had the same type of breast cancer. She was very nice and very pleasant. She was in a dream of mine. I was in my coffin but she was sitting me up and her husband was there too and she told me to look down at the mountain area and see how beautiful it was. I remember thinking it was beautiful and we were way up high. I just remember thinking wow it is really beautiful.
***Today, she has passed away from her breast cancer. She was a wonderful friend.

FIGHT FOR MY LIFE October 09, 2005

Eat better
Exercise
Go to church
Live
Listen to music
Love everyone
Pray
Believe in God
Quit gambling
Get nice job
Meditate
Breathe better
Take daily vitamin
Work on relationship
Believe I can fight
Travel
Smile often
Hug more
Share more
Restrain from sweets
Wake up earlier
Call more often
Don’t hold onto regrets
Clean house
Create yourself over
See Braden Jr. grow
Constantly be thankful
Be happy in accomplishments
Appreciate scenery
Work on a permanent home
Drink little soda
Laugh every single day
Give up giving up
Cause no chaos
Light up more candles
Write more poetry

MOM VISITED & MUSIC September 28, 2005 2:42 a.m.

Today was a beautiful day. David and I drove towards Bickleton looking for this windmill plant but ended up finding nothing. But I thought the drive alone was gorgeous. I slept really late. Till like two in the afternoon. How insane is that? Its really nice to have my own bed back. I sure miss my chit chat talks with mom though at nights. Plus sleeping at her side wasn’t that bad at all. Plus the never ending drama is always fun to be round there. I mean it never gets boring- that’s all. I sure missed tootsie roll too. He makes me laugh, hold me, takes care of me and even cooks nice homemade meals for me. How lucky can a girl be really? Umm…growing up I always loved music. I like most types of music also. I think music brings people together all the time. I think art does too. Man its been so cold a nights and warm during the days. I sure love chocolate, my life would be pretty dull and boring if I had no chocolate in my life- that’s for darn sure. Even feel like some people were actually born with half a brain for some weird and strange reason? I think so too. I mean the things people do these days is rather ridiculous.

LEAVING LOVED ONES BEHIND Monday September 26, 2005

Tonight I’m a little awry of what’s to become of me health wise. I can’t help but be a little frightened. Nowhere to run- I stand still just paralyzed from shock all the time. I’m constantly clouded about my future and very unsure where things are heading. I can sometimes over consume my whole entire thought processes with confusion, sadness, disappointment, frustration, disillusionment, fear, low levels or even no concentration and depression. I can’t make sense of this breast cancer. I’m very clouded most of the time with thoughts of what will I do after radiation, if recurrence occurs or how long I even to have survive. I dread the thought of leaving any loved ones behind. I don’t want any of them to be sad. I just want them to know that I loved them with all my heart and will love them for eternity. Who knows- maybe there’s eternal life in heaven and we’ll all be up there together one day. I know for sure- we’ll always and forever be together- ALWAYS! I have learned that life is so very short and to live it to the fullest with God always in your heart and soul. He looks for everyone. Do a lot of that’s good in your heart and soul also. Like the ten commandments. Plus, there’s much more not mentioned like share your unique spirit to the fullest and constantly expand your horizons. Our world goes on and on. For all I know, I can have three years, 286 days, 18 hours, 38 minutes and 52 seconds left on earth. Or I can be conked by a meteor left on earth. Or I can be conked by a meteor from space in three hours from now. Who knows. Only God knows. Remember to live life to the fullest!

DRIVING AROUND SAD 04-07-08

Driving around town makes me sad. People are so strange when a snarly glare is really ridiculous. The psychotic part of me wants to beat them blue and black but the decency side of me brushes it off like dirt on the floor and swept in the garbage. Except sometimes I’m the garbage disposal. I let it fill up to deep sorrow and pain that makes me wish people weren’t so mean. there’s no reasoning for any such nonsense. I can tell you this, with my power of prayer I hope when I pray for them that next time I see them they’re happy.

ARGUING: RANDOM UNDATED

Arguing against too much growth set back the greedy. They wanted more and more till they finally realized that there was nowhere to build except 125 degree deserts with no access to water. Either it was too flooded with terrible water or absolutely no water at all. Earth choked and head seizures left and right finally dying and becoming just a star. Where’s my galaxy going next?

Presidiential race- does stock market go down during presidential race?

CANCER RANDOM THOUGHTS UNDATED

LOVE. I I give my cancer to you and I’m grateful. Gods will-free will. Freedom of Choice. Give that pain to him when you cry. Choice to Gods will- that’s freedom- he’s generous- have freedom of will. Choose good or evil. I didn’t want to do anything verses Gods will. I’m sorry I disappointed you God. Repent. For God to give one free will is a gift.

EARTH IS NOT MY HOME March 11, 2008

I feel like I don’t belong here on earth. It’s like being somewhere you don’t belong or like how you’re at someplace you don’t fit in and you’d rather just want to go.

WHAT CAN I SAY?!

COLLAGES CAN BE FUN

TWO PAINTINGS BY ME

FAMILY FIGHTING May 16, 2007 Wednesday 01:33 p.m.

I think yesterday was a full moon because it seemed real odd and tense. I just remembered waking up to Joe and Nikolai yelling. I believe (not 100% sure) Joe was yelling at Nikolai to go spend time with her kids. Then Joe comes back in seeing her on the cell phone outside and then starts up with Braden. Braden yelled at Joe saying don’t yell at Nikolai because Nikolais trying (which she’s been trying for 8-9 years now since she was 14-15 years old). So Joe was like she’s only around for two days (if that) out of the month. Joe says stuff we never even dare to say. Then Nik and Braden go with Jr and Arlene to play by the tree. Next thing they’re in the front and leaving with Duval to take the stolen copper to get some money (by the way it was stolen from Bradens work) which I believe is terrible in itself. I mean it is stealing for crying out loud. Then mom and I were feeling bad they were yelling at Joe because he spoke the truth. Joe went to the back yard and we were wondering where he was for a moment. I made my pop tart and went to go see Braden and them. They were getting ready to go and Braden took one of my delicious chocolate pop tarts and drove off saying Jr didn’t eat. He was glaring at Dawn because in his mind Joe and Dawn were calling (him/him & her) bad parents. They’re overly sensitive I think and ridiculously wanting to fight back. I mean that’s their automatic response is to be defensively abrupt with yelling and fighting words. Oh so I call to offer mom and I to come and pick his van up. Mom wanted to finish her movie so we waited a little. Then we left and next thing we get there. Well Dawn stayed home because Joe was with his friends driving around. Now that I know he was drinking and selling Bradens copper without his permission. In the night, oh yeah mom and Dawn came with me to Goldendale and mom had an inkling to stay because Joe was drinking and mom said- told Joe to stay out of trouble. David shows us the property and we get a call while waiting in the truck from Beck saying Joe/Braden/Nikoalai were fighting. Dawns in the front seat talking loud going- should I call the Wapato Police? Mom and I were in the back seat of the truck saying…sshh all embarrassed. We couldn’t’ do anything what happened is Joe took (stole-depends on ones view) copper and Braden was mad. Joe was drinking and yelling at Nikolai Joe went towards Nikolai physically and Braden protected her. Braden beat Joe up. Joe goes to jail. Gets out next day. Nikolai goes to jail and gets sentenced. She gets out June 9th. Its rather insane. Well it was insane that day. We stopped to get $5 more bucks at the casino and left. Mom and Dawn went in and mom wanted more tickets to win the RV. The feud between Joe and Nikolai is very heated. Braden milks into Nikolais deceit and lies against Joe causing us to fight and try to bring us apart as a family. She’s a compulsive liar with many versions of her stories. Who knows? May God give her an awakening to be loving, honest, alcohol free, drug free, keep away from bad influences and seriously get treatment or else the cycle of her madness will continue. Oh I think on that day too mom and Dawn fought about mom tickling Dawn and Dawn got really upset. That was pretty weird too. Oh what a day!!

SPREADING LOVE May 16, 2007 Wednesday 04:08 a.m.

I gave out all the love possible and sometimes got resentment, judgment and misunderstanding. This gift let me pray for them and only reach out to them to shower them with love flooding their veins beautifully. I know pain in their loneliness, selfishness, lost ness, anger, resentment or unknown identity can be confusing with the real truth. Truth that love fulfilled in the heart takes away all the pain off the world because the genuine feeling uplifts your heart soul and mind. Love yourself first and foremost telling the mirror. I love you! Then spreading the love is natural and very beautiful and wholesome.

WHY READ THE BIBLE? April 27, 2007 10:50 a.m.

When you really read the words of the Bible and understand it, your concept of life becomes clearer. Why you’re here, why you do the things you do and hardships you face are happenings to learn and grow from. I wonder if other people get the “I get it” moment? I had it about 3-5 hours reading through the bible online. It makes sense of why everything happened and why we must love God and appreciate how the gift of Jesus and Mary are bigger gifts than any ring, linen, perfume or any other material possession you ever received. Discipline is a must when sacrificing everything for God. Its only through the devils temptations or work comes chaos, war, famine, suffering, pain, etc.
Its through eternal love and knowledge of God do we reach the heavenly kingdom. Your goal in life, or in your long life destiny is to be a holy example and even a missionary. Do you embrace your pain and suffering with love and forgiveness always in your heart? No need to be skeptical because he (God) is the divine father who gives us life and saves us to be beautiful and to always love.

ME IN THE MIRROR April 23, 2007 Monday

I look at old pictures of me and see a beautiful person who I want to cheer up and slap her pain away. Tell her she’s smart and don’t let anyone else tell her any different. Tell her to never date and give herself to God and become a nun. Tell her to go to church all the time and pray everyday. Tell her to give up all material possessions and realize that love comes naturally. Just tell her that the meaning of life lies within church and not in malls, magazines, music or looks. Shelter your love in God, watch and listen to him.

ARE YOU READY? April 22, 2007 Sunday 11:29a.m. Earth Day

Are you ready? Behind your skepticism are numerous versions of both truths and lies. You lead up to your own conclusion through your own experiences and teachings. Beliefs are spiritual happenings of goodness and love. We of course suffer in pain as well but a divine strength tells us in our heart and soul everything is/will be okay with our love of God. Not only our love but our genuine belief and devotion to spread his strength and vision. I ask you now, as a Catholic who has had a vision of Jesus himself, are you ready for him to love you and you love him? Ready to get rid of the skepticism and be a true believer in God, Jesus and Virgin Mary.

PERSONALITIES March 22, 2007 Thursday 12:34a.m.

Adjusting to personalities and understanding their thought processes takes a lot of common sense. Is there anyone home up there? Do they understand you and feel anything when asking how you’re doing? No ones perfect so you’ll occasionally come across someone that you’ll instinctively think to keep your distance or stay away from them all around. Patience, calmness and being unselfish are keys to knowing or getting along with others. Eyes can give away a lot of other peoples personality. Every book is different though. We’re all solving humanities mind. Thank God we can’t read minds. AHHHH!!

YOU ARE EVERYONE February 22, 2007 Thursday 8:27a.m.

Me, you, them, everybody, he, she,
Her, him, us, we, I, you, his, theirs,
Nobody, somebody, mister, misses, all
Of us, none of us, alone, together.
Beneath you is everyone. Above
You is everyone. Around you is
Everyone. You are everyone. Everyone
Is you.
I am everyone. Everyone
Is me.
Love me.
ETERNITY
Lovely You Lovely Me
Lovely Everybody

LONELINESS February 18, 2007

Why do we expand ourselves to very little? We can shrink down to the size of a bean and feel as if we’re completely and totally alone. We succumb to pressures so we can fit into someone else’s heart. We’ll float along well but our sail goes to the ocean to the deep waves for awhile but somehow we’ll make it back to the calm waters. To live, we attach to our loved ones because they keep us at the calm waters. We strengthen our heart with love and attachment with another. Not with any items. Items don’t last eternally like the soul. To deny being lonely- first love yourself first and foremost.

THANKS GOD FOR LETTING ME LOVE February 14, 2007 4:04 a.m.

We love We Care We Unite We Praise We Share We Learn
We forgive We Enjoy we pray we live we breathe we go
We look we smile we hug we cry we watch we perfect
We walk we cope we know we grow we fast we hold
We laugh we sympathize we embrace
We see God everyday when we talk to our loved ones, see a flower, enjoy a meal, feel softness on the body, read a book, caress our soft hair, listen to babys cries, pet our pets, walk many miles and especially when you think or just hear, see, speak, feel emotion or touch. I thank you God for your LOVE within my heart, soul and everthing. We are Gods creatures and spread love in every way by keeping him in your heart and sould for all eternity.

FOCUS ON YOU January 04, 2007 3:24 a.m.

Anger, competitiveness, jealousy, wanting everything- it’s not healthy. Focus on you. Your self’s own growth of your soul. His/her own self consciousness, insecurity, ignorance, poor attitude is their own struggles in trying to grown and learn. Arguing is conflict with your souls growing and learning. Doing spiteful things to make yourself look better is poor on your half too. In general, ignore racist comments, sexist comments, ignorant stares, angersome looks, rude comments or finger gestures. Its only a reflection on the person doing the behavior signifying they were raised on a barn, abusive pasts, poor self esteem and the list goes on.

NEW YEARS EVEN AND FIREWORK SHOW January 04, 2007 2:37 a.m.

New years eve was real fun. Mom, Jaye, Duval, Joe, Braden, Baby Jr., David, Jerry, Beck, Amy, Dawn, Shep, Betty, Bobby (her new ones) and two cats were all there. We had a huge firework show that’s always cool to see. I think Braden missed Nikolai and new baby Arlene. We all made New Years resolutions. It was fun. We even had our usual toasts and black eyed beans. Oh my gawd!! 2007!! That’s pretty impressive. I AM A CANCER SURVIVOR! GO ME! I’ve been great lately. David likes to take vacations by himself and not with me anymore. I’m just a cost to him. I’d get in his way of gambling. But yeah whatever. Suit yourself. I’ve been enjoying my IPOD. It’s fun. I clean slowly here and there. I have laundry to do now. Icky that sucks. Moms van broke down at Best Buy yesterday. Joe, Anne, mom and Jame all went. Plus her washers acting up again. That’s a lot of stress in itself. My new fave thing is painting but I’ve been craving to sew real bad lately. I like sewing very much. I haven’t written poems in ages. Depends on my concentration. If I can’t get in the frame of mind then its pointless. I love pics. Both of family and of nature. I have to bust my ass and get to recycling. Oh I should shop for groceries.

GETTING COLD AND TERRIBLE IMMUNE SYSTEM January 04, 2007 2:19 a.m.

Christmas was fun at moms as usual. I was sick from being heavily congested from a head cold, cough and starting with a flu and chills. Oh plus I had a sore throat that was terrible. I was in a world of pain. First night at moms was the hardest because my throat hurt. I had bad chills and didn’t want to get out of bed. It took a toll on my immune system that’s for sure. I lost my voice too and that sucked because I sounded awful. I felt so helpless that I tried my hardest to heal but nothing was powerful enough. I went to the emergency room and they gave me an antibiotic but that did very little. Actually, it did nothing. Not really recovering at moms I went to the emergency room again. Mom drove me to Memorial Hospital. I got stronger antibiotics that’s been a God send because I feel a lot better. My terrible nasty cough is practically gone and my voice is back. I was hoping and praying for any type of ease up from the misery I went through. I feel so better. Mann its so nice. I was so so sick! I didn’t even get to see my gf Brandy who was in town. That was a bummer. Mom got me fruit, water and a muffin for breakfast in the emergency room. It was cool. Shopping is always fun for me during the holidays. When I gamble it its depressing. For gifts I got socks, shoes, candle holder, candle lighter, jacket, pretty box, journal, slippers, candy, Tupperware set, Cartman shirt, salsa maker, candles, book, body spray, shampoo, game and an IPOD. I’m always thankful and feel blessed tenfold.

FLAME GAME December 15, 2006 08:07 a.m.

Flame game
We’re playing with fire when we’re not working here together on earth. A part of our overall unity is not to go against each other but to have holy togetherness. Work and live with one another. As we separate ourselves into a state of lower vs. upper class we continue to repeat selfishness, hate, prejudice and a lack of growing into spiritual greatness. If you already have one foot in the flame you don’t have to have all of your body in the flame of the devils work. Your gift to divinely love and spread it comes to you naturally. Go. Love one another as you would love forever and ever.

POWER OF PERSUASION AND VULNERABILITY December 10, 2006 11:52 a.m.

Power or power of persuasion seems chaotic when you realize the potential damage it does to peoples vulnerability. Humanity never seeks to amaze me how we’ll get side tracked from other peoples levels of suggestion. There’s no layers of society. We’re all above dirt. There’s no societal ranks. In Gods eyes we’re all eye to eye with each other. When you stop to think you’re better you’re losing your identity and playing into powers of persuasion. Let others follow their course in life. Don’t try to change them, argue with them or ignore them. Love them.

LOONY FOR LOVE December 10, 2006 9:54 a.m.

We drive ourselves crazy when we’re in love, looking for love, lost your love, can’t remember love or confused about all of them mixed together. In my case I get mad at my true love a lot but miss him so when he’s not beside my heart I just have to have his kisses, smiles, stories and presence alone to ease my soul from my insanity. That’s true love. I hope everyone finds love that’s close their own perfection and resembles eternity in their heart. We’re invisible to others who are truly in live because they’ve found each other and don’t need others silliness and games. They know the will and strength of their relationship can/will surpass temptations of the opposite sex. My first and true love will always be David Allen Latshaw. He’s my heart and soul of now and forever. The very first time I ever seen him I thought he was so good looking and still do think he’s the best looking man ever. I’m a jealous person so I get angry when women flirt with him and stuff. Drives me insane because he’s MINE! Don’t forget it bitches! Love Jenna

NEGATIVE ENERGY AROUND THE HOUSE November 12, 2006 12:03 a.m.

I’ve been gone from home since the day before Halloween. There’s just a certain feeling at my house that’s a little awry. I need to bless the house myself and ask whatever’s there in the house to leave me alone. I went home with bear and got my gas voucher. I didn’t sleep a wink in my own bedroom. I think I should be more positive. I t just really sucks the whole situation where I’m just sill most of the time. Well, I just think I’m feeling sick of going out of the house. I miss David with all my heart. He’s my love, my eternal soul mater and I feel like I’m ignoring him. I’ll go home tomorrow. I miss my family when I leave. It’ll be lonesome and quiet. I won’t even get to say goodbye to baby. I went to my appointment on Friday and afterwards Jamie, Anne, baby, Joe, mom and I had Pizza Hut next door, baby sure is cute. He throws food a lot. He makes the whole family laugh a lot. He’s so adorably cute. He gave his aunt Jenna some morning kisses and it was so cute. At Dawns appointment I drove there and back. It was tiresome. We spent the night in a smoking room but it was okay. Not super duper terrible. We were all tired and went to sleep okay. Well except baby who was sick. He was crying and miserable. Mom argued saying the room cost too much.

I MISS MY BREASTS November 09, 2006 Thursday 1:58 a.m.

I know I removed both my breast for the sake of my life but there are days when looking in the mirror can be painful. The deformity is unsightly to see on some days. The feel of my nipples gone is weird too. I just miss the appearance side of my breasts gone mostly. I absolutely love not wearing a bra. Wearing no bra is so nice. Plus, its literally a pain off my shoulders. The weight of two bowling balls was rather ridiculous. I remember the pain of the cancer in the right breast was flaring and sharp. No way could I sleep on that side because the pain was unbearable. Right now, appearance has been lifted off my shoulders. I don’t need to impress anyone. All I need is the continual love of David and my family. The opposite sex disappoints me most of the time because they miss out on a lot in life when their heart is scorching for superficial things and not genuine kindness and love. To them, they’d say that’s what a fat, ugly chick would say. Deep down they’re own image would be destroyed being seen with anything less. Oh back to my breasts. I’m glad to be alive. When I have self pity I forget about my guardian angels working hard after me. I also ignore my own loved ones as well who enjoy my company and doing stuff with me. Plus, I’m not doing Gods work which is to teach, love, spread love, endure love, spread the word of God and remember I sacrificed my breasts for God.

WE'RE NOWHERE PERFECT BUT WE STILL ARE HARD ON OURSELVES October 25, 2006 Wednesday 4: 54 a.m.

No matter how beautiful we look in a picture, how well we present ourselves or even how funny we make others laugh- there’s always a shred of doubt in our minds that makes us a stressful and unachievable self. Our strive to be the most of anything blinds our true self of individuality. Then our own character becomes another actor being lead with the herd of sheep. If we’re not exactly like others, we become self conscious. Inevitably leading to self destructive behaviors like smoking, anorexic, bulimic, plastic surgery, jealous behavior, easily influenced, drugs, drinking and so forth. If loving yourself is real difficult then it also becomes harder for others to love you or your to love another because you’re constantly aiming for perfection. Individually, we’re all different species. We’ll do whatever it takes to please a future spouse. What we do isn’t for everyone. We get braces, breast implants, penis enlargements, hair removal, hairstyles, hair implants, buy clothes…the list goes on. Once we altered one flaw then its just building blocks of thinking well now my lips don’t match my new nose.

PATIENCE CAN BE TRIED EVERY SINGLE DAY October 25, 2006 Wednesday

Functioning in society entails patience in every single dimension of your life. You’re not going to get everything you’ve ever wanted in life at the snap of your fingers. Patience involves persistence, gradual experience and process of elimination. A “give me right now” attitude calls for failure and frustration. Everyday ones patience is tried. For example, your turn for the bathroom, lost keys, what to eat, spouse parked behind you, traffic jam, you make lunch or not, late for work, hours soon cut, back home to traffic, children have needs, spouse has needs, bills to pay, vacations, holidays, pets, gas, clothes, anniversaries. Time is a coin toss. Spend it well.

SHARING WORDS OF WISDOM October 03, 2006 4:10 a.m. Tuesday

Sharing is what I try to emphasize in much of my poetry. The saying goes a long way and spreads like the seasonal cold. The saying “what comes around comes around goes around” is true. You share your heart, soul, personality, possessions, money, hugs, smiles, laughter, kindness, nice gestures and genuine love then it’ll truly and honestly come back to you. Move aside your fears, paranoia’s, ego, judgments, self destructive behaviors and greed then you’ll open doors to unimaginable possibilities. Another in need comes in numerous shapes and forms. If they’re cold offer a blanket, if they’re thirsty offer water, if they’re craving attention offer an ear, if they’re sad offer comfort, if they’re lonely offer your company, if they’re broke offer them some money, if they’re frightened offer them reassurance, if they’re angry offer them a little peace of mind and keep offering because it all comes back to you. Essentially, its not just material possessions to share but your mind, spiritual energy, diversity, knowledge, stories, growth, laughter, smiles, hugs, pat on another’s back and just plain being there to let another vent out their problems, stories, jokes and everything else the world they need to say or discuss. Life is more than you! To receive positive energy you have to give a lot first. God wants us all to love each other as brothers and sisters. I love you all. You are ALL my brothers and sisters. God Bless you always!

WINNING A JACKPOT September 24, 2006 5:05 a.m.

I got back from being at moms for a few days. It was pretty fun. Last weekend I went to Coeur D’ Alene and Jerry came too. I hit a jackpot and won $12,000 but had $9,000 in cash. I have no idea where the money went. It all went by fast. I did buy a lot of clothes, boots for winter, a jacket, magazines, a book, pants for Anne, boots and tennis for mom, $200 to feed the children, six magazines, Mary Kay products, food and taking my family out to eat. A lot of it went to Jerry- him some clothes, getting van, gambling more and spending it on other stuff. Mom and I went and we did okay at Legends. That same night though there was a mouse in the car and it just really frightened me. I couldn’t even get back in the Subaru. Icky it was so disgusting I had to walk to the police station with the tribal police- oops I mean mom and we got a ride to White Swan. We got a ride with Jaye home. He drove the Subaru to his house. I drove- well mom drove the van. We went to a yard sale and got stuff. Then we went to Chevron. I got to see baby. He’s so cute. He’s a year and four months old now. Mom, Duval, Dawn and I had our own firework show. Then we played UNO. We laughed like crazy. Today, I cleaned moms house. It feels so nice there. A real nice open feel about it. Mom cried when I was leaving. I was sad to go too. Babe seemed happy and its always great to see him smile. I always miss mom and being there at the house. I love bear too though.

WHEN YOU'RE OUT DRIVING September 11, 2006 Monday 5:39 a.m. Driving

Passing other vehicles you wonder where they’re going, who they with, how long they’ve drove already, are they late, they listening to music, are they at all tired, they eating/drinking, chewing gum, they ever been in a car accident, their back/legs hurt or not, is it a nice vehicle to them or do thy want another, do they enjoy driving.

WHO IS JENNA (ME)? August 11, 2006 4:03 a.m.

She’s some dream in a dream constantly eating pizza and fried chicken. She’s also a spirit in a thousand souls wandering like a headless chicken. She’s the belly of fire cracking codes of Einstein’s fascinations. She’s the chatter of no one but whispers behind their back. She’s your toothache getting more decayed and hitting nerves. She’s the doorbell you ring over and again with no answer. She’s the chuckle of your belly moving like strawberry jell-o with whipped cream on top. She’s the scissors hurting your hands and wrists. She’s the ghost of Goldendale spooking the weirdoes. She’s your heart in a blender with a margarita touch. She’s your boss who says you’re fired.

CHANGE August 11, 2006 3:48 a.m.

You’ve got to want to change in order to change. Its gotta make you so sick that you’ll demand change. You’ll see others changing that you’ll crave any change. When nothings the same as it used to be you’ll see a lot of change. With each new season approaching you’ll gradually change anyways. New people all the time coming and going you’ll see a different type of change. Repulsed by repetitiveness you’ll create new ways to change. There’s absolutely positively no end to how we can creatively change. For a change, do your own changing around. Change, yes…now!! Don’t hold off either!

I'M THE SPECTATOR August 11, 2006 3:29 a.m.

Pretty is one who is seeing others as pretty. There are spectators and there are participators. You could say I’m both but mostly a great spectator. Its weird but I do love my own character. There’s only one actress of me. Art to me is finding common pleasantries everyday. Don’t you wish we could all fly so we could take cool pics up high. Babies are so fascinating and adorably cute. Wonders of the world are minimal when you think about your galaxy. So much toilet paper that I can throw a lot of rolls around earth- twice. What’s with social anxiety, social fears, social stress- shouldn’t be that way. Just say no to stupidity.

THE PEN IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD August 04, 2006 2:39 a.m.

I pick up the pen and feel the magic of everlasting moments, moments I’ll forget that I’ll read later and remember or even moments I anticipate doing. Also, I reminisce about my day, weekend or month. I guess the magic is the beauty of expression, details of your story and your own point of view or version. Its what I’m going through, how I feel, what’s happening and coping mechanisms that help myself out. Basically, its just a lot of this journaling road of my journey in life. I never could remember the dreams I have so writing down my dreams was never that important to me. I do write down some dreams if I find them spectacular in any way. I write about the earth a lot. I’d like to have everyone to have fun saving vehicles, recycle, cut down less trees, plant more trees, pick up litter and so forth. Mother earth is so important to me. I write about people I know and love a lot like David and my family. I like to write about poetry too about worldly issues like war, crime, sex, relationships, family, friends, how people can treat each other terribly, power, money, fame, greed, kids, animals, loneliness, politics, being native American, ranking system, education, David, mom, nature---lots of that! Yes I do write about my cancer as well. Everything needs to be said about cancer to heal.
I give my heart to:
God
Mom
My brothers
My sisters
My boyfriend
My family (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.)
My friends
My neighbors
My enemies
My city
My state
My country
My world
My universe
My galaxy
My self
All about me me me!!…sike My oh my
Love myself

HOW'S YOUR OVERALL HEALTH DOING? Saturday June 17, 2006

I’ve been pretty miserable these last few weeks. I’m coming to terms that my health is slowly deteriorating. I’m in such pain all the time that I seem to have a smile like the Joker. Man I’m in so much misery too. I hope heaven is super beautiful just like all the good times with babe and my family. I’d prefer we all go on a plane trip together get in a crash and go to the golden gates all together. That’s super selfish though. My pain is c continuous in my lower back making my hips painful, I have more frequent headaches, it feels like I have the flu all the time really and on the side where my lymph nodes got removed it’s a life long ache that can be best described as a bruise around my entire right shoulder and halfway down my arm. Plus its just aching more which really sucks. To add to the misery, I’ve been aching on the left side of my neck from sleeping on it wrong. My goodness. I think on most days I’m so so. I’d like to walk normally with no pain in my hips. The rain is a little stressful and really miserable. I try to tell myself that it’s just all in the head which it probably is but I can’t get rid of the pain. I endure it though so I can spend time with my family and tootsie roll. I’m not scared of going to heaven and being with lots of other angels. I do not want any of my loved ones to be sad. I want them to know I’m glad I’m free from pain and flying through clouds and even singing. No matter what we’ll see each other again. Please be happy for me and only remember good funny times. I hope you remember to give me red tulips on my grave too- I really love red tulips. Gawd, I sound like I’m going to die in an hour. J Silly wabbit me. Stupid neck- damn it hurts. I need a neck massager. Man that sounds nice or Brad pitts hands! Haha! Or babes!

CONFIDENT MEN May 28, 2006 Sunday

I truly respect the man who is comfortable with themselves. They are the ones that are fun to be around and wise to many remarks. They come few and far and really are a rare species. Really it could be: hang around the wrong people and have a twisted perspective of the male species. To me they’re animals that are really backwards, twisted confused. It could be that it starts with their own upbringing but there are many other social factors as well like school, work, other family members or their church beliefs. One can only speculate really. Yes, the men of our world have been world leaders, decision makers in our political governments and so forth and you sometimes think--how??!! I think by size, voice….well I don’t know really. It really and truly fascinates me. Men are so immature and want to all stay 21 to me. Well, that’s broadly exaggerating but it just seems really crazy to me. Very crazy.

IN MEMORY OF LOVED ONES May 28, 2006 Memorial Day weekend

In memory of… oh what a saying. We remember our past loved ones but also those who have served in our own military. I still find it weird my cousin Jessie passed away because she was the same age as me. It seems unfair too but God has special plans for all of us I guess. I wish I could’ve told her good bye or chit chatted with her. Told her she meant a lot to me in grade school which essentially made a huge impact in my whole life. I’d even like to say that to others as well. Just really weird to imagine that we all die at some point. I think its mysterious beyond belief. I hope in heaven there’s music too.

TRYING TO BE CONTENT May 3, 2006

Content is the person living as if tomorrow will not come tomorrow. We imagine ourselves in a state of mind that we’re nothing past our deaths. We still exist past our deaths as a form very much human either knowing other loved ones or the same ones we know through this existence today. Spiritually we continue to be an entire soul taking numerous spiritual forms. Much is unknown to man for many reasons because of various factors. Most commonly is the fear of unknown and the mental state of mind being seen as insanity. Generally, we’re given a limited amount of memory and given a certain aspect of reality vs. non-reality. Making up our own minds about wrong vs. right depends on our upbringing too. We’re not all given a “role-model” to guide us in lives. Through terrible leads of suggestion, some tumble in the cracks of society with misguidance from parents, peers, society and media. The biggest influence comes from parents who are the hugest influence in the child’s future behaviors. Although, a parent can only teach and guide so much. There are certain individuals who are, for some strange reason, born bothersome. Bothersome in the context that they have sociopath type personalities, mental depression and so forth kind of problems. No common sense can be dysfunctional to say the least because there are individuals like this. You stand back and think…you’ve got to be kidding me! I myself have my own private prayers/talk with God asking for patience and a sense of relief when dealing with such individuals. Que sera- sera. I broke down one day like a little baby like a few weeks ago when I came across such an individual. You get…well I get angry at someone but then I get angry at myself because I shouldn’t be an ass hole to others because of karma can be a kick in the ass three fold. So it’s a lost cause in most situations given the resource. At the time the temptation to rip heads off can be overwhelming but you realize…nahhh…its just not worth it.

~~SERENITY YOURS~~ April 23, 2006

Creating serenity with what you have now takes a lot of talent. The “I want what they have” mentality gets you nowhere in life. You got a different nose but do you really feel better about yourself? You starve yourself to lose weight but do you really feel better? You’re wearing the same shirt but yours cost $105 and mine $8- is it really much nicer? Everything is meaningless until you yourself put the value in your own self being. You already have almost everything there is to offer. Yeah its not designer but that’s just bragging rights for another who will never know their self worth until they realize they don’t need it all fancy. Creating your own serenity means being comfortable with yourself and putting value in what you have right now. Sameness can be boring and repetitive. We all have talent that’s a taste of our own blend of splendor. Use it all the time and make it your own fascination and freshness.
Use it by re-painting those 20 year old bookshelves, moving furniture around and re-valuing your clutter with treasures needing to be seen. Also, work on yourself in mind always. Shop for clothes that make you comfortable more than anything. Find ways to make your own look natural and pure as gold. Nothings more refreshing than individualism. Don’t get angry when another is jealous or belittles you either. Walk away from poisonous individuals because they’re the ones in serious pain still seeking love in themselves. One day they’ll find it though. Its just that one day they felt unloved and wasn’t given much respect by the ranks of societal B.S. Wouldn’t it be nice to hug this person and tell them serenity is yours if you really wanted it- then hugged them and gave them a sucker. Oh what a world- we should do that more often.

~~CONTINUAL ACHE~~ April 23, 2006 Sun.

Humans on a continual basis ache for much more. Aching for a lifetime partner, a place of residence that says its us, a vehicle to get us from A to B with certain standards in mind but most of all we think of a certain burn of what our “call” is in life. We stand in line at the supermarket pondering details of what should be done tonight or tomorrow. We replicate each other but mysteriously try to be more unique than the next person. We pinch ourselves when we’ve acted like a jackass or rude to another knowing damn well it did no good. We exam our income planning what’s/how much for good, gasoline, bills and so forth. We pull teeth at work thinking more can be said of me than this.

We embrace our own deity faithfully examining our good deeds vs. bad. We selfishly turn to a pack of coyotes when some hyenas invade our space in a disgruntling manner or even if they’re going somewhere else and just ignoring or fighting with them. We watch television secretly wanting everything you see. We feel alone when we do have a good family or nice mate. We all hide in our own way behind the doors of war, child molestation, murders, rapes, adultery, cursing, unforgiving, alcohol, and drug abuse, littering and so forth. We bloom to a new day knowing a loved one has cancer, HIV or other terminal disease.
When it all comes down to the earthly order of things we’re all living our ache venturing lives. Positioning ourselves as a complete whole. No better or worse than anyone else. When we remember ourselves as humans we remember that we all want to be loved, we all contribute to our family’s strength, we grow as a community when we leave out judgment and hatred, we all appreciate our spiritual society- but most of all we get back ten fold in whatever we put out in all of these. Ache for your own individualistic growth.

BROKEN WINDOS, NEW CAR FOR BECK AND COURT April 20, 2006 5:30a.m. Friday Morning

I spent a week at moms and had lots of fun. The first night there mom and I spoke for hours and hours. Nikolai and Braden don’t have their windows fixed yet from them being all cracked. Braden’s wench got stolen that cost like $500. It was in the shed. Duval went to court Monday. He’s got to pay $50 to court before the 21st and do two nights in jail for his DUI. Dawn went to jail from the sheriffs and got a warrant-well she got bailed out like 2-3 hours later. It was from a Valley Imaging bill. I think it was from the ass hole tribes. We went to court and she has to get that cleared up. Beck loves her new car. Baby’s still cute- Duval and I got to watch him while Braden and Nikolai went to the Klickitat. It was fun. My pills should be here tomorrow. Joe’s at moms for who knows how long. It rained a little. Thunder was scary ass scary about a week and a half ago. Really dramatic here at the RV park. Alright time to get some zzz’s.

RELATIONSHIPS AND CLOSING DOORS TO OPPORTUNITIES April 19, 2006

We diminish ourselves when we close doors to the opportunity to love or even be loved. We take a chance in every relationship throughout our entire life. Compatibility is structured so that you’re absolutely sure from meeting many other people that this new encounter is an attachment meant to be. You categorically analyze in your head the benefits and possible futuristic events you anticipate with this new person. Generating an ounce of guts to be with a new found relationship requires bravery and trust. An attempt to make contact with this newfound spirit still tells you inside that there’s a potential of long term togetherness. An empty soul can only be filled with the pouring of other souls in yours. There are so many different types of relationships that there’s an overabundant amount of people out there that the numbers are truly endless. Neighbors, relatives, co-workers, spouses, friendships and so forth. The options are endless. Loneliness shall never be an option because there are limitless amounts of people like you and I seeking any type of human stimulation. Encounters of every kind are stimulated through generating guts to even go and talk with one another. Like minds is the essential factor in healthy communication. Clues to your inner self is found in the others you choose to be around. A mold of yourself is a gradual encounter among you and everyone you meet. Therefore, be yourself and seek others as if you’re equipped to be a magnetic human with divulging welcome ness. Open the doors to countless relationships and fill your soul with boundless opportunities. No one but you can create the fantasy of happiness and joy in the family reunions, runs to favorite stores, chats with old friends, neighbors we meet or co-workers we’re drawn to. We need each other and survive off each other.

EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTERS March 7, 2006 Tuesday

We all go through emotional roller coasters when it comes to every relationship. Our biggest battle is ourselves. We are our own struggle because we put our shields of armor when its something out of boundary. Defying my own ethics of my relationship 101 standards is a no no. Essentially, we/you want to be level with meals, family, choosing TV programs, doing stuff together and sharing stuff. When you’re younger you’re more jealous thinking your mate will leave you or fool around. As you get older and you grow insanely and ridiculously together as one- you laugh at the thought.

MORE THINGS ABOUT ME March 7, 2006

I love red/pink tulips
I like new show deal or no deal
I like tv shows like house hunters, cash in the attic, designers challenge, divine design, neat, bargain hunt, etc.
I like seein movies during the week well those at theatres
I’m still fascinated with time travel
I’d like my own puppy one day
I still love poetry
I want a different speakeer system in all the cars
I miss my girlfriends Brandy and Michelle
I love lemons with diet colas
I write from the heart
I want others to be happy around me
I want a new couch
I think what humans are possible of is jaw dropping
I love churches- they’re pretty
I love taking pictures
I’m glad my hairs growing
I’ve seen only .000001 of the whole wide world. Probably even less

AN EMOTIONAL STIR TURNS UGLY February 20, 2006 Monday 6:15 a.m.

I have no idea what I shall do today. I know I have to do laundry, clean the kitchen and even the bathroom. Mom went over to Jamie’s for about a week or so. I can’t call her because Jamie’s stupid phone is disconnected. That really ass sucks. The other night when I left moms I left crying. It was rather silly. Nikolai got off work- Braden called and asked if she and baby could sleep with me on moms bed. I was like okay. She was wanting to go to bed and I asked Joe if Nikolai can sleep on the couch by baby in the crib. Joe was all like no!! that’s my bed. I mean he made no gentlemen gesture to even offer to her at all. I mean he don’t even ask or to even offer to her. I just got upset thinking oh my gawd you were raised better than that. I was crying like crazy thinking this can not be my brother. Why is he so rude and selfish. I just packed all my things and left. It was about after midnight. I was on empty too. I even got pulled over by the union gap police- I was still crying and he was asking if he hit me and I was like no. I got pulled over for that bad right light out. He just told me to get it fixed. I felt more at ease with me being home. Its just chaotic there with everyone fighting and not getting along. Joe brings a lot of stress but he does watch the baby a lot.
Baby sure loves him there too. I’m glad I’m gone from there. They got me an Oreo mcflurry, a bag of chips and some heart candies. I even got pizza that beck and Amy got--it was good. I would have stayed if I got to have moms room by myself. I was just upset that there’s and respect or not a lot of it for each other. It makes me sick. Plus there isn’t that much cleaning going on. Its rather ridiculous. I don’t know it seems so silly really. The whole atmosphere. Man I really wanted to stay. I wanted to clean moms room up while she was gone. I would have made it nice in there too. Plus I’m going to miss that I can’t call moms house to talk to my mom. Braden and Nikolai are going to Tulalip today and tomorrow. They’re going to have fun. They said I should go with them. I thought that would have been fun. I did recycle those magazines and newspapers and got $2.45. That was pretty cool. I got fifty from Braden after losing all my money. I got some clothes soap, ivory, dove soap, shampoo and a little bottles of slap. Oh I also got soda and heart candies. Duval was with me and it was lots of fun. He’s so happy all the time. He makes everyone so happy. Braden and Duvals birthdays are coming up this week. Who knows what we’ll do for their birthday. I sure love birthdays. I want to get some gifts somehow here at the house. I’ll find something. There’s got to be a few things here and there I can get.

DESCRIBE THE PEOPLE YOU'RE AROUND THE MOST? Sunday February 19, 2006

To be around the people like the ones I do most is very honorable and very much a blessing. Their power is one that is over consumed with love and togetherness unknown to many in the world. Much of our happiness exists because of this. Our bonds are ourselves identifying our history together, our future together and even what is to come. This power is not wealth, chain of command or even societal rank. This type of power is beauty in the hugs, smiles, laughter, games, stories and togetherness commonly shared throughout the days. I’m thankful for who I meet even on a new found relationship. I try my best to divulge as much as time possible with everyone. Time is of the essence. Its important to connect with everyone so there’s an even and open wavelength going on. Everyone thinks the same way too.
Many I come across are really fun to be around where you can be yourself and not some other person you don’t want to be. All those people I n my life are protective. They’ll go out of the way for you in order to make sure you’re okay. Oh I’m referring to my immediate family, boyfriend and dear friend. I have to brag that I’m honestly spoiled for having them all in my life. Many bow downs to all of them for my sincerity, my personality, my kindness, my stories, my history, my strength, my joy, my responsibility, my hopes, my jokes, my smiles, my laughter, my music, my reason for everything. They are the mold of what I am today. They always bring me back to sanity too. Hours alone can- well days alone really can be really troublesome for me at times. So with these people they push me to levels unable to do alone or unable to reach alone.
Through struggles, hard times or harsh pain we gather as an even mightier unit letting nothing stand in our way. Some have made attempts to harden our spirit with fear, shame, pity, disgust, looking down upon, integrity, jealous- but its always love that brings us back together. A thick pudding of love always being there even when the tough gets going. Everyone in this people group of mine know who they are. Thank you. Let me tell you this. Don’t forget who your loves ones are too. Respect them, even others as well. We are raised ladies and gentlemen. Act like it! Open a door for others, give your seat up for someone else in need, don’t speak over others, attentively listen to others, give positive feedback, embrace handshakes, share everything, share in the cleaning projects, share music listening time, share TV program time, often to buy food for everyone, communicate in a well-mannered tone, respect your elders, respect other races and religious backgrounds, be gentle, be nice, be soft, be cool, be quiet and share your time. Be the loved person you were always meant to be.
The love will automatically come back to you. To continue this love anyways just to remember to do all these things with true love in your heart.

WHAT DO YOU THINK KEEPS PEOPLE GOING IN LIFE? January 5, 2006 4:51 a.m.

First and foremost, I think love keeps everyone aboard. Love conquers hate, ignorance, wars and so much more out there. Plus, a passion for something which is their own love feeding their own unique will to live. People can be passionate about many tings like quilting, sewing, work, hunting, collectors, books- its many things really. Often times its peoples love for their own pet is what keeps them functioning and going. Pets can be dominating forces in some people lives that often it’s a common bond with other people. In some people it could be a weekly conversation with someone that you just talk to about the world or so forth. Its often a job alone that they’ve worked for since they were really young. So that’s all they’ve ever done. Without work it could be that their whole life went down the drain for them. Many in the world want to find their true soul mate and won’t quit till they do so. Many keep going from a wide assortment of things like spending time on fishing, hunting, competition or coaching. As weird as it seems but drugs and alcohol keep some people going where it feeds their craving. A lot of determination keeps many going. With David’s huge determination he can sometimes overwhelm me with too much. There’s just so much out there that keeping many going-- clothes, food, home, opposite sex, families, vehicles, jobs, entertainment, sports, phone calls, music, their own looks, writing, poets, church, beliefs, health, medicines, power of mind, shoes, will, determination, force, strength, endurance, happiness, talents, children, parents, spouses, blankets, boats, stocks---well a variety of many things. Love is a determining factor in keeping everything going. So, yes we are all creatures of love who not just want to give love but receive it as well. I shall let others be my long life Duracell battery keeping me going and going and going.

WHAT'S CHANGED SINCE AFTER CANCER? January 5, 2006 4:11 a.m.

I’m much more sensitive. No I’ve always been sensitive. Okay, I know that life is precious and time goes by rather fast. At the beginning I was scared and optimistic about how long I had to live. Now, I’m just taking everyday as not only a blessing but a chance to experience something new as much as possible. Yeah there’s a possibility that I might not as well. I took this realization that I should never have feared in the first place because God watches you and even protects us all. My will to live from now on depends on me and me only. I have to have a positive attitude and outlook in everything I see, do or hear. I am my own bodies fuel to survive. I supply my own fuel to my own bodies strength, endurance and maintenance. I feed it, I care for it, I nurture it, I strengthening it, I maintain it and I give it its own resources. Essentially, I am my own keeper of my own body. I can’t rely on anyone else to do so either. I’m not a puppet hanging by some strings. I have arms to feed myself with healthy meals and vitamins, I have two legs to exercise with, I have a heart pumping with blood and a mind of my own to a do all these things. Also, I’m more accepting of my death (inevitable one) as well. We all meet our keeper some day and often we don’t want to believe it. I’ve learned to accept my fate and that each opportunity to this day is an indulging experience to grow. What’s changed about me lately too is that I’m more careful about being around others who are sick so that I don’t get sick. I do appreciate my hair a lot more- losing my hair to chemo was very hard. I’m more understanding of what other women with breast cancer go through. Before, I never even mentioned or thought about cancer. I thought heart disease and diabetes were my main health concerns. I realize that yes I have gone through chemo, surgery of both breasts removed and radiation- but there are so many more people in much more critical or even serious conditions than mine. I suffered some but it was nowhere near what Jesus Christ himself endured. I never would wish cancer on anyone- not even on my worse enemies- as if I have tons. I think in a weird way- cancer also saved my life as well. I believe I was a dead woman walking before with no positive attitude, depressed most of the time, confused about life itself and living without God, Jesus Christ, Mary, Joseph in your true heart. Now I want to live life to the fullest and make the most of everything/everyone!

WHY DO YOU LIKE ORGANIZATION? January 5, 2006 3: 52 a.m.

To me, it clears my mind and makes me think a whole lot better. If I have clutter then I think with stress on my shoulders. If its really filthy then I feel hopeless and disappointed that I’m living a mess. Most of the time I don’t like to have clutter for too long or else I just get down on myself. I don’t have to be neat all the time. I got to have some days where I’ll just leave clothes on the floor, dishes undone and stuff like that. I’m not perfect nor aim for perfection in anyway. Most of the time I like to have it clean so I can think clearer and with more positive thoughts jollying around in my head. Being at moms was real frustrating for me. I so much wanted to clean, get rid of a lot of junk, have others help me clean, dust stuff everywhere and so on. I wanted some kind of action where I could at least have a feeling that is both nice and comfortable. I kind of felt claustrophobic like I was being smothered by too much stuff. I like to have a clean car too or I’ll get frantic every time I got in the car thinking damnit I need to clean the car out or it’ll be at the top of my mind till I do so. I like to have a place for everything as well. Towels go here, rags there, recycle pile here, undies/socks there, books here, shirts there or all the cleaning stuff. If I have a place then I like to make sure it stays that way unless there’s room elsewhere and makes more sense in another area. Same with papers- the filing system I have enforced works well for me. Bills go where they’re supposed to be, cards, quotes, stickers, pictures and so forth. Pretty much I like organization or else I get really flustered and angry that its not the way I want it to be. Plus when I do- I feel good about myself thinking I can take on many different projects throughout the week and so forth. I also feel less tension like its at the back of my mind till I get the organization done. If I need to find anything too- I know right where it is and can easily explain where it is.

WHAT DO YOU REMEMBER ABOUT YOUR CHILDHOOD? January 5, 2006

I’d have to say overall I had a normal happy childhood. Mom came through some hard times where we went on food stamps for a short while, had to get commodity food and lots of car problems. No matter what we were always f ed and always got to whatever destination we were going to. I loved swimming in our pool, getting wet in the sprinkler, going to the mountains, sledding on the hills, picking fruits in the trees, going to school everyday and actually living my childhood and not having to be an adult at a young age. So I got to be a kid when I was a kid. I liked going to school. I really liked spelling and recess with my cousinJessica and Melissa. Getting lice from them was hard on mom. She’d have to clean sheets, beds, couches and all our hair. She never gave up though, it was fun when she took us trick or treating. It was always fun. I remember being afraid of men/boys because mom put fear in me at a young age to keep away from them- that they do bad things. In grade school, I was disgustingly shy. I hated it. Got me by though. Jessica stuck up for me most of the time. I believe I was as bully to my sisters- I guess I was the typical bully big sister. My brothers like playing typical big brother tricks like locking me in the room yelling that there’s someone in the closet- dumb stuff like that. I used to have long hair and I’d wake my mom up to braid my hair. Many times she’d get upset. I didn’t’ care- I wanted my hair braided. I had the back bedroom for a long time. I used to be a lob and when I was told to clean my room I’d just cover it. I remember I could wear the same undies for like a whole week and not change- oh how drama that was or to think I ever did that. It was fun to shop for tennis and clothes at the beginning of the month. Oops I mean school year. We had chores we were supposed to do. I remember dishes, setting table and sweeping were three of them. Most of the time I was spoiled and always got what I wanted. Well seems that way but its not true. I was just a happy child. I know now that mom did a fine job raising gentlemen and ladies. We’re all sincere not only to each other but everyone else as well. I loved my childhood. There were a few foggy times were it wasn’t all bubblegum and care bears but I think I had a happy and pleasant childhood overall. I have no complaints. The hardest was having no dad but mom did an okay job all by herself. I think goodness she was a good protector and watched us through thick and thin of times.

WHY DO YOU GET SAD SOMETIMES? January 4, 2006 3:46 a.m.

Often times, it’s the things on the last page. I’d like to wave a magic wand and not let another be sad in any way, have no one feel pain or misery. But its those times that keep us stronger, alert, aware and genuinely appreciative of who we have in our lives. What we’ve gone through together and where we stand in each others future. I feel sad that there are people who are unaware of their surroundings and not really living a true life by opening their hearts to so much than their closed worlds. I’m sad at the idea sometimes that I have a bed of my own and other material possessions knowing there are many people in our world who lack common day living necessities. I’m sad that there are actual wars, bombings, shootings, murders, rapes, tortures, ignorance, competitions, jealousy, greed, affairs, divorces, adultery- well sex at young ages too, drownings, car accidents, domination control, territorial control, home invasions over animal kingdom and sudden deaths. I think there are numerous reasons to why things happen. One country wants to control another and become richer, political chaos corrupted the population, molestation continues down generations, drug/alcohol messes up your over all judgments, world domination tries to be enforced- well a huge mixture. Sad movies, happy events in life and certain things also make me sad. I’m sad I can’t change the world to a peaceful, colorful butterfly. I’m sad you’re sad. I’m sad I’m not at all perfect. I’m judgmental, easy to think the worst, crabby some days and a little uncaring. I’m sad David doesn’t like to listen to music joyously, sad he doesn’t’ like my family around a lot, that he won’t get a nice car, that he’s weird about money, that he’s pushy and hurts my feelings when he does so and that he suffocates me at times. I want him to like my family being around a lot more. So all around I have my days where I can be sad but realize that things make you stronger and make you grow to an adult that loves and cares. Often you look back and think it was silly too!!

YOU EVER WANT TO CHANGE ANYTHING IN YOUR LIFE? January 4, 2006 3:17 a.m. Wednesday

There are a lot of things. Not with me personally but some external things like what goes on with the world. If it were up to me I’d want no child unfed or malnutrition, no woman abused physically or even emotionally, everyone to recycle everything so they see that our earth is dear and precious to us all, that everyone could say goodbye to a loved one before their final journey, that no one would even litter the side streets/roads or even mother earth, everyone listened to nice beautiful music, no murders were ever committed, no car accidents on highways resulted in death, elderly would always have loved ones come and visit them, animals/pets always loved in homes, wild animals not be murdered for sports purposes only, people would never be homeless or hungry, no one ever be lonely, families stayed close knit, cures for all kinds of diseases, everyone attends churches, no drugs grown ever again, no cigarette smoking all over the world, more financial security for everyone, home and car for everyone, no sexual abuse, clear water worldwide, a worldwide law that anyone wanted a child can have one, anyone stuck in the woes or torment of mother nature be rescued to safety, everyone found true love that is both true and pure that there was no arrogance, that everyone could travel and see different part of wherever they wanted to go, that everything artistic exploded ten-fold, that high costs turned to reasonable costs, that there be better or even more alternatives to gas, that crowded cities didn’t have to be without judgment or looks, that no child predators never existed, that the stars twinkled especially bright like the moon, that fights always resulted in later apologies----
With all this said, I’d also like to change that I eat lots of fast foods and gain no weight at all. Plus, I’d like to have a three day job that’s fulfilling, fun, nice, creative, challenging and worthwhile then I’d like to have a permanent home and new SUV that’s nice and cool to listen to. That’s all in due time. Some things listed above are realistic. I can’t change most of them.

REFLECTING ON MY BREAST CANCER January 3, 2006 3:43a.m. Tuesday

As the third day of the year, I’m surprised how time can fly really fast. Radiation went by fast, id did get burn like skin that was peeling away my skin. It hurts internally on the right side as well as if it were a sharp pain. It can come and go. Its not where as bad as when I got chemo. Losing my hair for me was emotionally sad and kind of painful for me. Painful in a way that I looked freakish and didn’t want to be seen that much. I do at times miss my breasts. Then there are times when like the feeling of them being out the way and not bouncing every which way. I pray deep down to God that I hope my cancer stays under control. Its sometimes just a relief and prayer that it was even caught. Late, yes but it was still caught. I’m a much more happier person. Yeah I could be scared but I don’t think God wants fear in your life at all. He’d want us to take everything as learning and growing experience. Exercise, eat right and have positive mental outlooks on life.
This year I’m aiming for a new car of my own with a nice stereo. That’s my own personal goal. It’s my pursue in getting happy.

BEGINNING 2006 IN HIGH SPIRITS! January 2, 2006 Monday 1:09 a.m

A very beautiful first day of 2006. I played poker with Jaye, Duval, Jerry, Indian Dave, Dawn and bear. It was fun. I went all in with a Q &A and got took out of the game. Really fun though. They were all getting drunk except Dawn and I. Mom, Mark, Jaye, Duval, Joe, Braden, Nikolai, Braden Jr., Beck, Amy, Jerry, Dawn, Shep, Betty, Bobby, Jack, Shasta, Indian Dave, babe and I were all there. Jame had to work so she was in Tacoma. I missed her there. Dawn made me a beautiful card made right from the heart. I thought it was nice. Christmas was really really fun. I got me a new purse, Patrick socks, orange wallet, coal bucket with lotion, sponge & perfume, pink slippers, Oprahs DVD, Dave Chappeles 2nd CD, two trance music CD’s and two candies, pink blanket, toothbrush and refills/candles, camera, memory card for camera, printers for camera, pink card thing (rolodex) playboy purse, coke money can, socks, sweats, candle, eye cover, wooden thing from jame, $20 casino from jame…well those are my main things. I think mom was kind of sad she only got bath stuff- well mostly bath stuff anyways. Everyone could tell. That kind of hurt. It was a very fun Christmas having the whole family there and celebrating Jesus’ birthday.
On my last day of radiation I was very emotional thinking- well I was visually seeing Dawn and Duval downstairs at the Onstar cancer place remembering how beautiful it was having them there by my side. It was like I was emotionally happy and sad mixed together. I was sitting in the Coco’s parking lot writing their cards just crying hysterically thinking I’m going to miss being with them everyday. Also, thinking they’d probably miss me and going and doing stuff. I’m glad radiation is over though. I will miss Sarah- she’s really nice. Beck and Amy were hurt that Braden didn’t make an effort to do any Christmas shopping- well not much anyways. It was rather hurtful. I’m going to miss watching Starting Over with mom.
Gawd I really enjoyed being home. It was nice even with Mark in the way. It wasn’t t hat great him being t here but it was nice being with my family. David I had a fight about me just wanting to spend ALL my time with them. That I love them more. That’s not true- I love with every ounce my time alone to do my own things, my own breathable space, my relationship time with bear, watching TV with babe and healthy meals with bear. He said he’ll probably have some time off for a short time then he’ll have to go back to work. Then he’s like fine- just go to your family’s. I ended up coming home and spending time with him. I know he gets lonesome. I don’t want to hurt him or make him feel unloved. I just want him to be happy. My family thinks he’s a little too much and not that great to me all the time. I hear both sides and only try to steer them with the yeah but then the plead the good/bad viewpoints.
Jenna has been alright. Alright I’m referring to myself. I’m okay with everything and steadily trying to return to normalcy. Back to living anyways and not being scared. I have no idea what the year ahead entails. I know it’ll be living, loving, learning, enjoying, working, creating, smiling, absorbing, fascinating, pushing, and going forth with everything .

WILL YOU KEEP AFLOAT? December 29, 2005

Swimmers, Floaters, Drowners, Seekers
I envision everyone in a huge ocean of water. There are those who are swimming constantly and will never find land. Those with their head under water with no clue like even how to even swim. Those who will push others out of the way to get the very next floating device. Those who will seek others to keep heads afloat.

I'M A MIDDLE MAN (MY CASE WOMAN) PERSON December 16, 2005

Middle- a lot of meaning to me
Born in mid seventies
Born in the middle of the week (Wednesday)
Born in middle of the day (noon)
Born the middle child
My two other girlfriends have the same middle name Lynn/Lyn and are also cancers
Very mid between on arguments- good/bad
Boyfriend and I have the same middle social security number
I prefer sleeping in the middle of the bed
Born in the middle of the year (June)
I’m a C average grade student AB C DF
I have two middle fingers (joking!)

HALLOWEEN AND AMYS BIRTHDAY October 31, 2005 1:57 a.m. Monday

Its Halloween. The coolest thing about Halloween is candy, haunted houses, cupcakes and children in costumes. Things here at the house seem okay. I had babe drive me to Top Foods Saturday to get me some food because when I get up there’s nothing to eat. Well you have to cook it and dishes are already piled up as it is. I’m very proud of myself. I didn’t go to the casino with Beck, Amy and Jerry and spend my $25. WHOoHOO!! I find that a first step in my recovery process is trying to recover or overcome if you will this gambling problem. I shall resist this temptation and more on with no looking aback. I believe I can do it. I think a scratch ticket will feed this addiction. This new bed moms got is a lot nicer. Seem much more softer. I sure love all these shows on the Discovery channel about ghosts and other haunting stories. Amy’s birthday was fun. She got a blanket, firework show, popcorn crunch, razors, caramel suckers and glow sticks. Man I’m getting serious hot flashes tonight. It must be warmer than usual tonight.
I think I start radiation this week. I’m kind of excited to get it done and over with. I think I’ll have to do it all the way in to maybe even January. Yikes. Duval, Anne, Braden and Nikolais place stinks like cat shit really ass bad. I mean I can smell it on them like there was cat shit smeared all over them. Its driving me insane. Gawd Joe’s such a big baby. We went to go recycle cans Tuesday or Wednesday and I was saying to him- didn’t Duval say we needed to go to the recycling place behind the car place? Then he’s like oh gawd no one listens to me. Okay I had no idea I only was going by hearsay of who took what. I was driving and saying don’t we turn here to get to the one behind the car place because Duval said they don’t take aluminum sighting at the Circus one. Then he goes off the deep end saying no one believes in him and that no one pays attention to him. He was like- no one fucking pays no attention to him because he’s a criminal and that he should just go back to jail so everyone would know his place. That they’d at least know where he is. At this point I’m thinking. I had no intention of trying to put judgment of Duvals over Joes. I didn’t think anything of it. I mean it was just ridiculous. He was like turn around and go the recycling place that Duval said to go to because HE SAID it was the place to go. I was like…NOOO…I’ll go the circus one if you say they’ll take the aluminum sighting. So I turn from the blocks back toward the circus one. Then Joe’s yelling saying he’d get out if I didn’t go to the one Duval said to go to. Second time he said he’d get out if I didn’t turn around. I didn’t turn around and he got out. He thought (later on I found out) that I was joking and that I’d turn a round and laugh about it. Nope I was upset that his ridiculous behavior and thought he was psychotic. Then he ran from where he got out to the recycling place which is like 1-2 miles. He just got in the van as I was heading out. He said sorry that I had to do it myself. We went to Hostess and got some donuts and bread and then cigarettes for him later. It was just really ass dumb. I mean he uses his intimidation to scare and frighten people. I think its natural. Its no act at all.

PHOBIAS, SOMETIMES THEY CAN BE MUCH October 23, 2005 12:55 a.m. Sunday

As a kid I was scared of closets thinking there was someone there. Seeing the Shining as a kid was really ass scary too. I guess you could say I have fears that range from social to the unknown. For example, I’m not great at public speaking, I don’t like driving head on with other cars, I don’t’ like to be outside in the dark alone without a dog or someone else, getting weird feelings/vibes from some people, certain movies, TV programs and watching them alone, mice, (many/most rodents), getting shot in the head for some weird and strange reason (I don’t like to be in windows too long), losing teeth (not a huge fear) and not knowing about my cancer. These are my most common fears. Oh yeah I also worry about David and hope he gets to his destinations as well- my family too. I also had a fear of him leaving me for someone else. Oh yeah when he drove like with Ben or Dave- both Daves that they’d hurt my babe. I worry about that. These are my overall fears, mice really scare me.

UNEXPLAINABLE ACTS OF HUMANKIND October 21, 2005 03:49 a.m.

I find it very hard to believe that right now murders are being committed. Right now a girl is being choked, drowned, tortured and left for dead. Another is getting shot, strangled, ran over, burned, hit over the head, stabbed, beatened, chopped up, kicked or even electrocuted and poisoned. These are all in fact jaw dropping but all so common to the person doing the acts. Never hit before by a man- I can’t say I know what it feels like to be treated disgustingly. Who knows what their relationship was with their killer and their very last thought would have been. Not just females but the males too who are also being wrongfully murdered. Murder itself is very scary. I mean its an actual taking of another’s life. That’s way creepy, unimaginable, terrible and so very wrong. To do so is psychotic, perverse, disgusting, scary, weird and stupid. What possesses one to do so is unexplainable.

MEN NEVER GROW UP October 21, 2005 03:30 a.m.

I honestly believe that its very hard for men to grow up. I mean not all men but a great majority of them out there. I don’t think their minds mature fully like the female counterpart. That’s why you see men leaving their wives for younger women. In their head they think they haven’t balded, gotten fatter, grayer, browner teeth, weaker body and so forth. I find this very weird. Mentally, deep down they want to stay young. Going out with buddies or be with someone youthful. I find it disgusting to see men scouring over girls like meat. it drives me insane. Well, not insane but just puzzling I guess. On a positive not though, there are gentlemen out thee. I like to think so anyways. Just kidding…there are some out there. Society has a role in this too I guess. To some degree I guess. I trust no man really. I don’t think I ever really did. I respect my brothers. Okay, I trust some men. Lets not exaggerate. In twenty years would David still love me or leave me for someone half his age?

FORGIVENESS October 21, 2005 03:08 a.m.

Forgive her/him for she has problems of his/her own. Often, you come across others who are train wrecked. What he/she vents out of anger is really deep problems, frustrations or ill-termed torment they are going through themselves. So when one is bitter, angry, hurt or vengeful well they’re only carrying out problems of their own. They might do so because of many reasons like attention, need for some kind of love, thinking life isn’t fair, inability to cope within their means, angry at societal roles, misguided by their peers, hidden jealousies, torched reputations, disgusted by racial stereotypes, classified as this or that or just plain ignorant. Ignorance is perhaps the most common factor for angry individuals. However you try to go about it, there’s just no putting sense in to some people. Remember this, there are many ignorant individuals out there who will try to wear you down. Walk away and be the better person remembering they’re ignorant and don’t know any better.

OVERKNOWING CANCER AND INEVITABLE OCCURANCES October 20, 2005 10:42 p.m.

I thought about the fear of unknown just like the lady who also had breast cancer on TV. That’s one of my concerns is the fear of not knowing how well I’m doing, how my life has been shortened by how much, am I going to be alright after radiation and constantly aware of whats going on with my body, I don’t over concern myself though with too much of this and that. I’m not really scared like I was. Before I was like noooo and really scared that I was literally having my own death sentence. It just seems like ea ting differently, doing more or exercising a whole lot more. I just haven’t really took cancer as serious as I should be. I mean I know a lot of women die each year but I’m not going to let it run my life to the point where I’m not even LIVING and just thinking about dying all the time. I don’t think this way all the time. I get scared. I’m not going to lie or deny it. I’m just saying that I believe things happen for a reason. I’m not at all upset for what has happened to me because I know with my complete faith in God that I’ll be okay no matter what. I mean I’ve seen and done almost everything. I can’t have kids but I can adopt. I won’t get married either so its kind of like I’m not a real Catholic follower. Okay not follower but not living as a true and pure follower with gas prices I don’t know a life long gambling problem. These are all besides the point though. I’m just saying that I’m happy and really okay. Or am I contradicting- damnit- I’m going off on a tantrum- what am I thinking. Oh in my faith knowing guardian angels watch over me, enjoy what I’ve done through my life and look forward to what’s to come next. I love my family, boyfriend and all my friends. Always have and always will.

OUR POWER IN GOVERNMENT AND WHY ARGUE- ITS A WASTE OF TIME! October 20, 2005

I’m not really an argumentative type of person. I think it’s a waste of time and really ridiculous. I do find it necessary though in certain situations like getting your point across. When the other person doesn’t entitle your own opinion/situation in the matter or when you want to encourage another to go towards a different pathway. I rarely desire the need to argue. My boyfriend and I do argue sometimes over financial situations. He’s great with money and I gamble like there’s no tomorrow. I think people wouldn’t argue at all if everyone in the world shared, respected each others religious beliefs, entitle everyone else’s opinion about history/historical events, looked beyond skin color and got rid of hierarchical ego class system. Many of our wars are over territory, power, religion and corruptive leaders who only wants what’s best for their own interests. Indeed they get followers who do what they’re told because they’re manipulated into power and deceit.
We do need strong levels of government but we need the kind who are for the people, the community and honoring whatever role they were given/elected into. Setting an example as a tremendous leader or one in governments means keeping your goals and priorities straight. It also means standing up in whatever you believe in and fight for your community. To make such commitments mean public events, committee meetings, strategic goals, connection to the people, ability to speak, educational backgrounds, being a role model, knowing your existing community of who you’re serving/ trying to please, awareness of opponents and a genuine passion of wanting to be in the public eye. A poor leader wants power alone, gets greedy, uses power to receive sexual favors, lies about political agenda, influences political power by referring their religious preferences into the mixture and misleads the people with huge lies.

GETTING GAS AND GIVING TO THE POOR October 19, 2005 3:21 a.m.

Well in about an hour and half David will be getting up to start getting ready for work. I should be sleepy by then. This will be his third day working for the Hood River Sand & Gravel Company. Tomorrow will (today really) be his third day. This time he’ll drive to Bickleton. David didn’t go with me to moms for Jerry’s birthday on Sunday. He had to get up early and get ready for work. Duval came with me and its been really ass nice having him here. First day we just watched Oprah, went shopping and made slum gully for dinner. Tuesday we got up, ate and then went to the Dalles to recycle our cans. I got pulled over, didn’t have my license on me and got a warning. I just got a warning for running a red light. I was kind of scared that I’d actually get a ticket. Tonight’s- well last nights dinner we had corn, green beans and shake n back chicken. Yummiez. Duval cooked the chicken. Jerry’s birthday went really great. David and I got him a jacket, blanket, reeses cups, beef jerky, shaving cream and bars of soap. He liked all the gifts a lot. Anne got all the stuff for dinner and Duval cooked it. I came to terms that I need serious help gambling. Its just ridiculous- this crazy problem I have. God will be by my side next time. Well I’m sure he always has been. Probably telling me to be happy with what you got and give to others. I just got foolish. I still am really foolish. David is sick of me I think. I can’t blame him. I’m just so super negative that its not even funny. I’d so much like to quit. Its easier said than done though. I need strength to try to overcome this weird need to gamble. I just hope I find it in myself to give it up one day. I mean my credit card is maxed out to $3400 and my checking account is negative $381. I mean its just plain ass ridiculous.
I think of my poorness today and think how much I’d like to give money to poor who would like to have a nice warm mean, a warm blanket at night, a toothbrush and toothpaste to brush their teeth, pillows to lay on and so forth. So many, as I was today and desperate. When Duval and I were scrounging around here and there recycling cans- I felt what the other poor people felt. I felt pathetic and desperate. I watched others watch the poor as if they were low life’s. This made me sick to the stomach because all of have different stories and backgrounds. We’re all knitted as one. We should all love other and respect each other. It saddens me tremendously that mankind can be so inhumane, heartless, cruel, nasty and rude towards each other.
I was thankful for the $15 Duval and I got from the plastic bottles and cans. I was even thankful for the money mom, Dawn and Duval got me when we came back Sunday night. Oh yeah Duval and I were cashing in some change on the way back and the guy at 7-11 said no being a real ass hole saying no change allowed. Duval said we should have gotten 15 in gas there but I was like, hell no, I’m not even going to give them my business ever again. So we drove to Zillah on empty putting 20 there and both Duval and I got a soda. We saw a deer on the way back. It was interesting because I was driving slow and missed it. I think I’d like to move away. Just go far away where nobody knows me and just start my whole life over.
Then I think about it realistically I would never do it because I’d miss the whole family. Maybe have like amnesia or something like that. Nah- maybe none of that. I just need to change my life dramatically. Be more realistic and practical of life itself. I mean realistically I’ not going to get my dram car, house and health insurance by being a lazy fat ass. I need realistic goals with concrete evidence that that’s what I want to do.

WHAT DO YOU THINK WOMEN LOOK FOR IN A MATE? October 16, 2005

Since everyone’s different there’s so much out there to choose from. Basically, women want a guy who is nice, caring, have a job, smells good, takes care of themselves, has a place of their own, sense of humor, a certain way they want them to dress, similar interest, a manly man, confidence, no relationship with ex’s, sometimes no kids, religious preference, smoking or no smoking preference, height preference, income preference, good looking, smart, good in bed, kissable, huggable, like music, energetic guy, want children down the road, have cooking abilities, be nice and no drinker or drug person. Most of all, women want to be loved, feel sexy to their man, be their top priority and an eye to eye level partnership.

LISTEN TO YOUR HEART October 16, 2005

Often, you’re challenged with numerous obstacles throughout your whole life. A great number of us are weak and give in to being really miserable and depressed. Overcoming fears, stress and pressures of everyday life depends on recognition of your true loved ones, setting goals, balancing time, going out of your way to help others, giving those in need and a strong faith in God. There’s just so much opportunity for each and everyone of us out there. Me myself hasn’t the slightest clue of what to do career wise. I’m just so confused. But I do know what I do love and enjoy and work on that. That is poetry, music and quality time with my family.

STOP IT! DO IT! October 11, 2005

Smoking, drinking, doing drugs, gambling, eating unhealthy, driving like maniacs, worrying about cancer. Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
Common day for me:
Shower/brush/floss
Bathroom
Waking up to babe holding/hugging me
Laundry/dishes
Poerty writing/reading
Writing/e-mailing
Listening/downloading
Talk to mom on phone
Eating quick foods
Watching favorite tv shows
Cutting out pictures or even quotes
Recycling cans/papers/bottles/magazines
Taking nice baths
Vacuum the trailers
Shopping at Sentry for monthly food
Concentrating for long amounts of time

FIGURING LIFE OUT October 11, 2005

I think some have things figured out early in life. Then there are those that go through their whole lives with no clue what’s going on at all. For myself, I’m midway really. I know wrong vs. right, yes vs. no, man vs. woman, white vs. black, war vs. peace, ethical vs. unethical, smart vs. ignorant and so forth. My biggest questions in life are whether or not we’re here for a specific reason, heaven vs. hell, Jesus’ role on earth, why do some murder, why do some adults molest children, why don’t everyone have wonderful and cool families, is there time travel, is there aliens, why do ghosts roam, what’s really good/bad to eat, why so many languages, why different religions, are psychics really psychic, is it possible to freeze time, is there karma for you and I, are inventors born inventors, is there reincarnation, why don’t we have a cure for certain diseases, does God know when everyone will pass, am I with my soul mate and on and on and on and on…… yes I ask these life long questions again and again. I think everyone does. I only really speculate and just guess throughout my life I became very clear, conscious and aware of all my surroundings. I’m recognizable that people have commons sense, all want love, want a place to fit in society and the ability to do genuine good . Oh most people do anyways. I pray for love, happiness, good things for not only my loved ones but EVERYONE else as well!!

DEDICATING TO MY LOVED ONES October 11, 2005

Family Members Dedication:
Mom: I dedicate everything I have today to you
Jaye: I dedicate my love of sports to you
Duval: I dedicate my kindness, love of old cars, my love of bruce lee to you
Joe: I dedicate my badass part of me to you
Braden: I dedicate my school memories to you like corndog/maple bar summer school where I went hours over
Jerry: I dedicate my fast driving, school time memories and WA Beef times to you
Beck: I dedicate my living with you memories to you and coolass gambling times in Everett/Muckleshoot to you
Dawn: I dedicate my drama walks and shep dog memories to you
Jame: I dedicate my getting pulled over by state and hair dying memories to you
ALL OF YOU: I dedicate all my family fun yard sales, family trips, family vacations, swimming pool times, orchard walks and family fun movies nights all to you!!

SCARED ANNE, THE WALK AROUND GOLDENDALE AREA October 11, 2005

Going going gone. Anne spent a couple nights. She hurt my gut by looking at the scary email I had her look at. Man she jumped high and was totally ass freaked me out. She even cried for some reason- probably because she was totally ass scared. Gawd she sure had me laughing like there was no tomorrow. I went to this walk across Washington in Goldendale starting at the swimming pool place. Dawn did good- she made it to the Sentry store which is really good. I did the whole 3.2 miles. Go me!! I thought it was pretty fun. Felt terrible Dawn had terrible shoes on. Plus she was pretty tired out. David watched Monday night football. Today was Columbus day so no mail. I have $17 left on my food stamp card. That’s pretty ass cool. Well I better head off to bed. I have to get up early. I usually don’t like to get up early. My whole life I’ve NEVER EVER EVER been a morning person. I think because I was born in the middle of the day. I’m mid way on everything. I was born on Wednesday, mid year, mid child, mid seventies, middle in arguments and so forth. You get my point.

YOUR FAVORITE ITEM, MINE BUT ALSO DO YOU HAVE ONE? August 27, 2005

I have to admit that all the gifts given to me mean a lot to me. I can’t really say I have one single gift/item in particular that is an absolute favorite. I love all my crosses. I think they’re all really beautiful. I love my poetry books with tons of historical poems depicting time eras of history. Its amazing I love all my downloaded cd’s pictures on cd, saved old writing, old photos, my musical tapes, lotions, candles, pillows, blankets, sheets, shoes, bags, purses, magazine pictures, hand watch, necklaces, earrings, clothes and collages I did myself. I’d give it all at the snap of a finger if it meant the well-being of my family and David. They’re more important than any worldly possession. Things can be replaced, not people. For now, I really do love everything I have very much. I hold things close to my heart and never think any gift is a dumb or thoughtless gift. The thought alone that another went out of their way for me is honestly a gift in itself. That means that person really loves you. When I go shopping I’m always keeping my family in mind all the time. I know that its better to give than to receive a lot of the times. Its nice to give gifts but to see a light in another’s eyes is an even better gift than ever. Going out of your way to help others is also a gift also. All of this also means good things happen to you too. One Christmas comes to mind where I was given a book for Christmas and I just thought it was so touching from my mom that I cried. It was very beautiful and thoughtful. Mom thought it was because she hardly got me anything for Christmas. That was hardly the case. Mom one Christmas also gave Jerry, or she wrapped it up for me but was supposed to give it to me. Well, she did anyways but that was a big oops. I got a lot of my gift giving ideas from my aunts who give gifts in bundles. Giving a lot of stuff in a plastic laundry basket is rather a really good idea. You put a lot of stuff in there. Perhaps everyone’s greatest gift of all is the gift of life. Truly and honestly we’re here for a purpose to carry out your life with kindness, goodness and warmth. Also, to spread the word of God to everyone uniting as eternal friends. Overall, gifts are given/received with love and tooken with heart. My family, friends and boyfriend. I wouldn’t trade any of them for the world. As personal things I do love the things listed above. I enjoy my clutter of gifts and hardly every throw anything away. I keep most things dear to heart. Every object/things shares a story, creates another nice memory and brings me back to the time I was given the gift. I even like to self give. That’s very important. With self gifts you can easily give them away or even exchange. Or if you get tired of it or gets old then less likely I’ll feel guilty when getting rid of it. Homemade gifts are made favorite. They’re made with true love, thought, the persons uniqueness and talent. This is my favorite of all gifts. Even homemade cards, handwritten letters/cards mean a lot. Getting candy is really cool too. Oh clothes are super really cool too.

CAKE, FUNNY STORIES, BREASTS REMOVED AND MY ENTERTAINMENT OF THOUGHT June 29, 2005 2:23 a.m. in the morning

David and I have been sleeping in different beds. I have no complaints really. I’ve always done my best writing in the wee a.m. mornings when its been silent. I think I just concentrate better really. I guess you could say that distractions do interrupt my train of thought. I’ve always been a huge procrastinator. Doing things at the last moment has always been a huge weakness for me. Oh my- I’m already meeting with the radiologist and surgeon on Thursday. I’m very determined NOT to get surgery and getting my whole breast removed. I’m just very sure of this. Whatever results, I hope God watches me in this decision of mine. I know he will though. I’ve been going through rocky times in my relationship with David. I’ve been having these up and downs. Oh like I said- we’ve been sleeping in the opposite of bedrooms. I think this has actually enhanced our relationship really. We both sleep better, hold each other more and talk more. I enjoy the ability to stay up at a much later time and David loves getting up earlier. So I think its just really nice. We honestly don’t have booty call anymore. I haven’t been wanting any nasty anyways. I’ll regain superwoman fire back here one day though. Not like I’m some dead fish or anything when it comes to this matter or anything. Now just isn’t the time really. I sure hope Braden’s firework stand does really well. Every year I hope this and every year it sure does. Oh yeah- my 31st birthday went wonderfully. Cake was delicious. All my gifts were really ass cool. Gifts are always fun to get. Especially when they’re given out of true love. My whole family was there telling “Jenna” stories . Anne’s was really ass embarrassing cuz she brought up my shitting in the summer story. Gawd talk about wayass drama. Well, it was all in fun though. Even since Anne’s surgery she’s been “off.” well a little confused really. It saddens me to see this. Makes me angry too but there isn’t much one can do. Can’t go back and change history. David’s been working on the Rock crawl event. Making flyers, fixing the drain system and cleaning the bathrooms. I’m excited that we’ll get a butt load of people here at the RV park. David will make good money that weekend. Oh I went negative in my checking account again and we fought about it. I wanted to move out and not hear his bullshit anymore. I honestly did. Oh that’s when I started sleeping in the other room. I’m so weirded out by my whole life. I’m thinking way too damn philosophical I swear. I ask too many silly questions about the purpose of life and why we’re kind of stuff. It keeps me wondering all the time. I just think about this all the time. Am I doing what I’m supposed to be doing? Am I going the right way? Should I do more/less? I mean I have no idea. I myself can only answer the questions I guess. Depends on my will and courage too. There’s a lot of other things that entertain my train of thoughts as well. For example, is there reincarnation? Can we travel in time? Do aliens exist? What’s the black hole? Are soul mates actually soul mates? Does God come to earth sometimes? Does hell exist? Do we have guardian angels? There are tons of other things I probably forgot. I just have theories and other peoples theories and only hypothesize what my be the truth and what may be fiction. I need to think of some ideas of what my family and I could do to entertain ourselves to move away from gambling addictions. I thought of a few ideas- we could bowl, go ride to the mountains, go to the movies, play UNO, play cards, write, sew, summer physical activities , yard sales, go fishing, go to thrift stores- well lots of other stuff. Gambling is just very hard to stay away from. Its addictive and very compulsive. All I do is just lose. This is very sick because I withdraw money like crazy and just end up losing like crazy. I turn to a raging gambling lunatic with no sense I swear. I honestly want to quit. I probably will be back one day!