EARTH IS NOT MY HOME March 11, 2008

I feel like I don’t belong here on earth. It’s like being somewhere you don’t belong or like how you’re at someplace you don’t fit in and you’d rather just want to go.

SPREADING LOVE May 16, 2007 Wednesday 04:08 a.m.

I gave out all the love possible and sometimes got resentment, judgment and misunderstanding. This gift let me pray for them and only reach out to them to shower them with love flooding their veins beautifully. I know pain in their loneliness, selfishness, lost ness, anger, resentment or unknown identity can be confusing with the real truth. Truth that love fulfilled in the heart takes away all the pain off the world because the genuine feeling uplifts your heart soul and mind. Love yourself first and foremost telling the mirror. I love you! Then spreading the love is natural and very beautiful and wholesome.

PERSONALITIES March 22, 2007 Thursday 12:34a.m.

Adjusting to personalities and understanding their thought processes takes a lot of common sense. Is there anyone home up there? Do they understand you and feel anything when asking how you’re doing? No ones perfect so you’ll occasionally come across someone that you’ll instinctively think to keep your distance or stay away from them all around. Patience, calmness and being unselfish are keys to knowing or getting along with others. Eyes can give away a lot of other peoples personality. Every book is different though. We’re all solving humanities mind. Thank God we can’t read minds. AHHHH!!

YOU ARE EVERYONE February 22, 2007 Thursday 8:27a.m.

Me, you, them, everybody, he, she,
Her, him, us, we, I, you, his, theirs,
Nobody, somebody, mister, misses, all
Of us, none of us, alone, together.
Beneath you is everyone. Above
You is everyone. Around you is
Everyone. You are everyone. Everyone
Is you.
I am everyone. Everyone
Is me.
Love me.
ETERNITY
Lovely You Lovely Me
Lovely Everybody

WHEN YOU'RE OUT DRIVING September 11, 2006 Monday 5:39 a.m. Driving

Passing other vehicles you wonder where they’re going, who they with, how long they’ve drove already, are they late, they listening to music, are they at all tired, they eating/drinking, chewing gum, they ever been in a car accident, their back/legs hurt or not, is it a nice vehicle to them or do thy want another, do they enjoy driving.

WHO IS JENNA (ME)? August 11, 2006 4:03 a.m.

She’s some dream in a dream constantly eating pizza and fried chicken. She’s also a spirit in a thousand souls wandering like a headless chicken. She’s the belly of fire cracking codes of Einstein’s fascinations. She’s the chatter of no one but whispers behind their back. She’s your toothache getting more decayed and hitting nerves. She’s the doorbell you ring over and again with no answer. She’s the chuckle of your belly moving like strawberry jell-o with whipped cream on top. She’s the scissors hurting your hands and wrists. She’s the ghost of Goldendale spooking the weirdoes. She’s your heart in a blender with a margarita touch. She’s your boss who says you’re fired.

I'M THE SPECTATOR August 11, 2006 3:29 a.m.

Pretty is one who is seeing others as pretty. There are spectators and there are participators. You could say I’m both but mostly a great spectator. Its weird but I do love my own character. There’s only one actress of me. Art to me is finding common pleasantries everyday. Don’t you wish we could all fly so we could take cool pics up high. Babies are so fascinating and adorably cute. Wonders of the world are minimal when you think about your galaxy. So much toilet paper that I can throw a lot of rolls around earth- twice. What’s with social anxiety, social fears, social stress- shouldn’t be that way. Just say no to stupidity.

CONFIDENT MEN May 28, 2006 Sunday

I truly respect the man who is comfortable with themselves. They are the ones that are fun to be around and wise to many remarks. They come few and far and really are a rare species. Really it could be: hang around the wrong people and have a twisted perspective of the male species. To me they’re animals that are really backwards, twisted confused. It could be that it starts with their own upbringing but there are many other social factors as well like school, work, other family members or their church beliefs. One can only speculate really. Yes, the men of our world have been world leaders, decision makers in our political governments and so forth and you sometimes think--how??!! I think by size, voice….well I don’t know really. It really and truly fascinates me. Men are so immature and want to all stay 21 to me. Well, that’s broadly exaggerating but it just seems really crazy to me. Very crazy.

DESCRIBE THE PEOPLE YOU'RE AROUND THE MOST? Sunday February 19, 2006

To be around the people like the ones I do most is very honorable and very much a blessing. Their power is one that is over consumed with love and togetherness unknown to many in the world. Much of our happiness exists because of this. Our bonds are ourselves identifying our history together, our future together and even what is to come. This power is not wealth, chain of command or even societal rank. This type of power is beauty in the hugs, smiles, laughter, games, stories and togetherness commonly shared throughout the days. I’m thankful for who I meet even on a new found relationship. I try my best to divulge as much as time possible with everyone. Time is of the essence. Its important to connect with everyone so there’s an even and open wavelength going on. Everyone thinks the same way too.
Many I come across are really fun to be around where you can be yourself and not some other person you don’t want to be. All those people I n my life are protective. They’ll go out of the way for you in order to make sure you’re okay. Oh I’m referring to my immediate family, boyfriend and dear friend. I have to brag that I’m honestly spoiled for having them all in my life. Many bow downs to all of them for my sincerity, my personality, my kindness, my stories, my history, my strength, my joy, my responsibility, my hopes, my jokes, my smiles, my laughter, my music, my reason for everything. They are the mold of what I am today. They always bring me back to sanity too. Hours alone can- well days alone really can be really troublesome for me at times. So with these people they push me to levels unable to do alone or unable to reach alone.
Through struggles, hard times or harsh pain we gather as an even mightier unit letting nothing stand in our way. Some have made attempts to harden our spirit with fear, shame, pity, disgust, looking down upon, integrity, jealous- but its always love that brings us back together. A thick pudding of love always being there even when the tough gets going. Everyone in this people group of mine know who they are. Thank you. Let me tell you this. Don’t forget who your loves ones are too. Respect them, even others as well. We are raised ladies and gentlemen. Act like it! Open a door for others, give your seat up for someone else in need, don’t speak over others, attentively listen to others, give positive feedback, embrace handshakes, share everything, share in the cleaning projects, share music listening time, share TV program time, often to buy food for everyone, communicate in a well-mannered tone, respect your elders, respect other races and religious backgrounds, be gentle, be nice, be soft, be cool, be quiet and share your time. Be the loved person you were always meant to be.
The love will automatically come back to you. To continue this love anyways just to remember to do all these things with true love in your heart.

WHY DO YOU LIKE ORGANIZATION? January 5, 2006 3: 52 a.m.

To me, it clears my mind and makes me think a whole lot better. If I have clutter then I think with stress on my shoulders. If its really filthy then I feel hopeless and disappointed that I’m living a mess. Most of the time I don’t like to have clutter for too long or else I just get down on myself. I don’t have to be neat all the time. I got to have some days where I’ll just leave clothes on the floor, dishes undone and stuff like that. I’m not perfect nor aim for perfection in anyway. Most of the time I like to have it clean so I can think clearer and with more positive thoughts jollying around in my head. Being at moms was real frustrating for me. I so much wanted to clean, get rid of a lot of junk, have others help me clean, dust stuff everywhere and so on. I wanted some kind of action where I could at least have a feeling that is both nice and comfortable. I kind of felt claustrophobic like I was being smothered by too much stuff. I like to have a clean car too or I’ll get frantic every time I got in the car thinking damnit I need to clean the car out or it’ll be at the top of my mind till I do so. I like to have a place for everything as well. Towels go here, rags there, recycle pile here, undies/socks there, books here, shirts there or all the cleaning stuff. If I have a place then I like to make sure it stays that way unless there’s room elsewhere and makes more sense in another area. Same with papers- the filing system I have enforced works well for me. Bills go where they’re supposed to be, cards, quotes, stickers, pictures and so forth. Pretty much I like organization or else I get really flustered and angry that its not the way I want it to be. Plus when I do- I feel good about myself thinking I can take on many different projects throughout the week and so forth. I also feel less tension like its at the back of my mind till I get the organization done. If I need to find anything too- I know right where it is and can easily explain where it is.

WHY DO YOU GET SAD SOMETIMES? January 4, 2006 3:46 a.m.

Often times, it’s the things on the last page. I’d like to wave a magic wand and not let another be sad in any way, have no one feel pain or misery. But its those times that keep us stronger, alert, aware and genuinely appreciative of who we have in our lives. What we’ve gone through together and where we stand in each others future. I feel sad that there are people who are unaware of their surroundings and not really living a true life by opening their hearts to so much than their closed worlds. I’m sad at the idea sometimes that I have a bed of my own and other material possessions knowing there are many people in our world who lack common day living necessities. I’m sad that there are actual wars, bombings, shootings, murders, rapes, tortures, ignorance, competitions, jealousy, greed, affairs, divorces, adultery- well sex at young ages too, drownings, car accidents, domination control, territorial control, home invasions over animal kingdom and sudden deaths. I think there are numerous reasons to why things happen. One country wants to control another and become richer, political chaos corrupted the population, molestation continues down generations, drug/alcohol messes up your over all judgments, world domination tries to be enforced- well a huge mixture. Sad movies, happy events in life and certain things also make me sad. I’m sad I can’t change the world to a peaceful, colorful butterfly. I’m sad you’re sad. I’m sad I’m not at all perfect. I’m judgmental, easy to think the worst, crabby some days and a little uncaring. I’m sad David doesn’t like to listen to music joyously, sad he doesn’t’ like my family around a lot, that he won’t get a nice car, that he’s weird about money, that he’s pushy and hurts my feelings when he does so and that he suffocates me at times. I want him to like my family being around a lot more. So all around I have my days where I can be sad but realize that things make you stronger and make you grow to an adult that loves and cares. Often you look back and think it was silly too!!

YOU EVER WANT TO CHANGE ANYTHING IN YOUR LIFE? January 4, 2006 3:17 a.m. Wednesday

There are a lot of things. Not with me personally but some external things like what goes on with the world. If it were up to me I’d want no child unfed or malnutrition, no woman abused physically or even emotionally, everyone to recycle everything so they see that our earth is dear and precious to us all, that everyone could say goodbye to a loved one before their final journey, that no one would even litter the side streets/roads or even mother earth, everyone listened to nice beautiful music, no murders were ever committed, no car accidents on highways resulted in death, elderly would always have loved ones come and visit them, animals/pets always loved in homes, wild animals not be murdered for sports purposes only, people would never be homeless or hungry, no one ever be lonely, families stayed close knit, cures for all kinds of diseases, everyone attends churches, no drugs grown ever again, no cigarette smoking all over the world, more financial security for everyone, home and car for everyone, no sexual abuse, clear water worldwide, a worldwide law that anyone wanted a child can have one, anyone stuck in the woes or torment of mother nature be rescued to safety, everyone found true love that is both true and pure that there was no arrogance, that everyone could travel and see different part of wherever they wanted to go, that everything artistic exploded ten-fold, that high costs turned to reasonable costs, that there be better or even more alternatives to gas, that crowded cities didn’t have to be without judgment or looks, that no child predators never existed, that the stars twinkled especially bright like the moon, that fights always resulted in later apologies----
With all this said, I’d also like to change that I eat lots of fast foods and gain no weight at all. Plus, I’d like to have a three day job that’s fulfilling, fun, nice, creative, challenging and worthwhile then I’d like to have a permanent home and new SUV that’s nice and cool to listen to. That’s all in due time. Some things listed above are realistic. I can’t change most of them.

WILL YOU KEEP AFLOAT? December 29, 2005

Swimmers, Floaters, Drowners, Seekers
I envision everyone in a huge ocean of water. There are those who are swimming constantly and will never find land. Those with their head under water with no clue like even how to even swim. Those who will push others out of the way to get the very next floating device. Those who will seek others to keep heads afloat.

I'M A MIDDLE MAN (MY CASE WOMAN) PERSON December 16, 2005

Middle- a lot of meaning to me
Born in mid seventies
Born in the middle of the week (Wednesday)
Born in middle of the day (noon)
Born the middle child
My two other girlfriends have the same middle name Lynn/Lyn and are also cancers
Very mid between on arguments- good/bad
Boyfriend and I have the same middle social security number
I prefer sleeping in the middle of the bed
Born in the middle of the year (June)
I’m a C average grade student AB C DF
I have two middle fingers (joking!)

UNEXPLAINABLE ACTS OF HUMANKIND October 21, 2005 03:49 a.m.

I find it very hard to believe that right now murders are being committed. Right now a girl is being choked, drowned, tortured and left for dead. Another is getting shot, strangled, ran over, burned, hit over the head, stabbed, beatened, chopped up, kicked or even electrocuted and poisoned. These are all in fact jaw dropping but all so common to the person doing the acts. Never hit before by a man- I can’t say I know what it feels like to be treated disgustingly. Who knows what their relationship was with their killer and their very last thought would have been. Not just females but the males too who are also being wrongfully murdered. Murder itself is very scary. I mean its an actual taking of another’s life. That’s way creepy, unimaginable, terrible and so very wrong. To do so is psychotic, perverse, disgusting, scary, weird and stupid. What possesses one to do so is unexplainable.

MEN NEVER GROW UP October 21, 2005 03:30 a.m.

I honestly believe that its very hard for men to grow up. I mean not all men but a great majority of them out there. I don’t think their minds mature fully like the female counterpart. That’s why you see men leaving their wives for younger women. In their head they think they haven’t balded, gotten fatter, grayer, browner teeth, weaker body and so forth. I find this very weird. Mentally, deep down they want to stay young. Going out with buddies or be with someone youthful. I find it disgusting to see men scouring over girls like meat. it drives me insane. Well, not insane but just puzzling I guess. On a positive not though, there are gentlemen out thee. I like to think so anyways. Just kidding…there are some out there. Society has a role in this too I guess. To some degree I guess. I trust no man really. I don’t think I ever really did. I respect my brothers. Okay, I trust some men. Lets not exaggerate. In twenty years would David still love me or leave me for someone half his age?

YOUR FAVORITE ITEM, MINE BUT ALSO DO YOU HAVE ONE? August 27, 2005

I have to admit that all the gifts given to me mean a lot to me. I can’t really say I have one single gift/item in particular that is an absolute favorite. I love all my crosses. I think they’re all really beautiful. I love my poetry books with tons of historical poems depicting time eras of history. Its amazing I love all my downloaded cd’s pictures on cd, saved old writing, old photos, my musical tapes, lotions, candles, pillows, blankets, sheets, shoes, bags, purses, magazine pictures, hand watch, necklaces, earrings, clothes and collages I did myself. I’d give it all at the snap of a finger if it meant the well-being of my family and David. They’re more important than any worldly possession. Things can be replaced, not people. For now, I really do love everything I have very much. I hold things close to my heart and never think any gift is a dumb or thoughtless gift. The thought alone that another went out of their way for me is honestly a gift in itself. That means that person really loves you. When I go shopping I’m always keeping my family in mind all the time. I know that its better to give than to receive a lot of the times. Its nice to give gifts but to see a light in another’s eyes is an even better gift than ever. Going out of your way to help others is also a gift also. All of this also means good things happen to you too. One Christmas comes to mind where I was given a book for Christmas and I just thought it was so touching from my mom that I cried. It was very beautiful and thoughtful. Mom thought it was because she hardly got me anything for Christmas. That was hardly the case. Mom one Christmas also gave Jerry, or she wrapped it up for me but was supposed to give it to me. Well, she did anyways but that was a big oops. I got a lot of my gift giving ideas from my aunts who give gifts in bundles. Giving a lot of stuff in a plastic laundry basket is rather a really good idea. You put a lot of stuff in there. Perhaps everyone’s greatest gift of all is the gift of life. Truly and honestly we’re here for a purpose to carry out your life with kindness, goodness and warmth. Also, to spread the word of God to everyone uniting as eternal friends. Overall, gifts are given/received with love and tooken with heart. My family, friends and boyfriend. I wouldn’t trade any of them for the world. As personal things I do love the things listed above. I enjoy my clutter of gifts and hardly every throw anything away. I keep most things dear to heart. Every object/things shares a story, creates another nice memory and brings me back to the time I was given the gift. I even like to self give. That’s very important. With self gifts you can easily give them away or even exchange. Or if you get tired of it or gets old then less likely I’ll feel guilty when getting rid of it. Homemade gifts are made favorite. They’re made with true love, thought, the persons uniqueness and talent. This is my favorite of all gifts. Even homemade cards, handwritten letters/cards mean a lot. Getting candy is really cool too. Oh clothes are super really cool too.

HOW DO YOU HONESTLY PERCEIVE YOURSELF? June 21, 2005

Well I see myself as quite the non-socialist type. I’m not much of a talker and get on the phone talk for hours type. I can and have in the past. Its just that lately I don’t want to depress anyone with my annoying/depressing stories. Anyways, I believe myself to be somewhat friendly and easy to get along with. I tend to bitch and whine to get something I want. I find this strategy quite useful. It can be rather manipulative too. I’m not much of a go out and meet type of person. Getting to know everyone isn’t my cup of tea. I’d rather focus on those I love and know now. I think that’s more important. I don’t need an abundance of so called friends to make myself feel better. I read people well. I know when one has common sense, no common sense, been hurt, stress in their life, down in the dumps or genuinely happy. Often I’m blind to other people as well. I’m not perfect. I said some people- not everyone. Sometimes people are real mysterious. Oops, I forgot to finish. I’m very insecure. I try not to show this but it comes out very obvious probably. I do enjoy being around others if they have common and logical sense. Otherwise, it’s very straining on me to be around them. I just get real annoyed, agitated, disturbed and frustrated. Being the lady I am, I don’t show this because its rude. Deep down though I make up excuses to leave social situations all the damn time. It’s very mean, silly and ridiculous. Don’t get me wrong, I am a likeable person- its just that I’m so particular about friends- and meeting new people. Oh hell, I don’t know. I guess I’m just too damn bitchy and judgmental I guess. Now, when I first see someone I like to imagine them as a genuinely good person or possessing some aspects at least. Now, when I get to know them better I sense that their puzzle is missing some pieces. Its ignorance really- most people don’t know better because they were never really taught. With all this said- I see myself as an over thinker who thinks too damn much. Its an illness really. Actually, its not just me. Americans obsess about looks, personalities and characters. So you can’t say I’m alone on this. Shit, where am I going with this? Hmm…okay I guess I’m just trying to say that I judge too quickly, judge books by their cover, over analyze others too much, think the worst about others and really impatient. I was raised better than to just automatically judge. I’ve just matched certain people with certain characteristics. Oh you could call it a way generalized stereotyping too. Now, that isn’t any better. Its like saying all Indians are gay. I guess you could say I know from certain physical features what some people are possible like or will be like. That’s just a generalization now. This is how I perceive SOME, not ALL people. Damn, give me a break. I always just assume. I was once told to never assume anything. Not like I’m alone here. Everyone has their own click/thing of how they read/see other people. Gawd, now my perception of myself seems rather selfish. I’m not that way at all. You treat me with respect then I’ll do the same. It’s rare that people are idiots- so basically out of six billion- most of them are okay. Overall, I’d say I’m cute, cuddly- not, I’m boring, no I’m plane Jane same as everyone else. No less, no better. I want a career, money, marriage, home and be happy. Also, I’d like to be superass passionate in making money and give back to the community and the world.

ALIENS INTENTIONS May 4, 2005

Ever wonder where aliens go out to eat in their planet. Do they like us humans as a fine dining dinner- hence all the missing persons across our planet?? I wonder if they have restaurants or drive through spaceships fast food joints? Do they wonder what we eat all the time?? Only time will tell….

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT WEIGHT? May 3, 2005

To me, I’ve always tried to be reasonably fit and healthy. Lately though, its been like pulling teeth for me to even take a breezy walk. I think to some weird degree I’m just so depressed and down. Oh and a little antisocial. I just hate to see people out when I’m walking. I just really, really hate it. Yeah I’m working on getting me a treadmill to get walking. Now the whole weight thing. I’m rather obese for someone my height and weight. I never really ate carefully. My boyfriend has always been on my back how I need to lose weight, I need to go walking, I need to socialize. I need to go out more. This and that. Gawd before my cancer, I was even a miserable drag then. I hardly did exercise in Everett either. Too many fucking people around. I just can’t take it. At moms house I can go for a nice walk and never have anyone go by. Maybe a car but that’s it. Its just getting too congested. Oh anyways. Weight is important to maintain and control for health reasons. I mean I’m 207 and got breast cancer. That says a little about obesity. Not much though. In this vanity driven United States, women (men too!) are pressured to look their best. They’ll spend billions in surgery, make-up, hair products, aging products, fitness stuff, diet pills, fashion clothes and ads. I believe whatever a person feels most comfortable with- go with it. As you age though this becomes less of an issue. I’m not out to impress like I used to. Now I want comfortability. Overweight people are discriminated against and looked down upon. So its very difficult and depressing for obese people like me. Its not so bad for me though. I don’t have too many complaints. I went shopping with my boyfriends sister and she’s got some serious weight issues. In the past she was bulimic. We were in Lane Bryant’s store which is a woman’s department store for heavy women and she’s holding up some hugeass panties to make herself feel better. She’s holding them up high saying OH MY GAWD…THESE ARE SO BIG!! Only I sensed her insecurity and her being the petite skinny thing though would never be seen without heavy me in there too. I can tell it was a struggle for her though. It was both sad and pathetic at the same time. It was a little jealousy too. I’m proud to be big and beautiful. Men know it too and she knows that she made an attempt to try to make me feel fat. Didn’t work though.
Its people like that who make our society what it is today. I mean I know butt loads of obese people who are just as happy as 98 pound anorexics or bulimic people. Weight can be a life long struggle for many young adults and adults themselves. I’ve noticed that when I used to eat I’d feel guilty afterwards. Now that I have cancer I eat guilty free and actually enjoy to the very last bite because life is too damn short. I really haven’t set up any type of exercise regime yet. I know I want a treadmill and some exercise dumbbells. I also sleep a lot. I need to change my sleeping pattern. Ummm. I need to cook more too! I need to make my own nutritious meals and not have so much microwave able goods. I don’t think that’s really good. These three key factors are very important to me living a long and healthy life. For others out there who are obese, I empathize to the n’th degree. I’ve had my moments of eating out all the time then feeling like a huge whale after doing so.
I only watch the weight/ exercise shows on TV and don’t actually participate. I know how that goes too. Being perfect in our society will never happen. What we seek as a genuine person is key to finding a nice soul mate. Going beyond looks and knowing the person is rather reasonable and realistic. Happens all the time. I think sex is the key too in having lasting relationships. If you’re both comfortable around each other and not weirded out then you can last. What matters is you two finding each other as one and not two separate bodies that are not in to each other. So overall, weight to me is a number you can change to your liking and what makes you comfortable, lively, energetic, healthy and happy. Overall, are you happy with yourself? If you are then you’re one step above all others.