There comes a time in your life when everyone around you seems a little more happier or sadder. This time came to me around my mid-twenties. I suddenly realized that I had a better life than most people and I have a worse life than other people. I take for granted the many great things I do have and forget what others suffer from not having. Everyone has a plan in their life. We can always make the best of what is handed to us and hope for great results. Unfortunately, most of my younger adult life was a bunch of “I don’t knows” or asking and thinking so many questions about life in general. Our purpose just may be a life-long photographer, a beautiful model, a father of the church, a serial killer and so on. Whatever it may be, everyone can all grow from each other and prosper from another human being. For me, I learned I could get my toilet fixed from the plumber, my hair done nice from the barber, my soul enriched from the father, a nice picture from the photographer and so on. In my life, I share struggles, pains, hardships, sharing moments, gift of giving and magical moments.
I was born June 26, 1974 in a small town called Toppenish, WA. I grew up a half hour away from Toppenish in Yakima where I learned that life is what you put into it. Yes, I was born on a reservation. Not in the classical sense one would picture though. Yakamas are scattered throughout the reservation and not living just in clutters of fifty houses all together. Instead, we scatter. A house is typically three or four acres away. There was the fifty houses all built together by the HUD housing though. Since the Yakamas maintained control of pretty much most of the land in the county, there was of course a scattered variation. In my case, I lived in the country area where there was a big hill-like mountains surrounding the entire Yakima City.
A pear tree was right behind us, forty acres of dead land in front of us and to the right. On the right there was much more than forty acres of land. Our neighborhood farmers grew some type of brush good for the cows and horses to eat. My family lived at the very end of 62nd Ave. Towards the end of the Avenue the cement roads would turn into dirt roads. Yakima had it’s fair share of all four seasons. During spring, snow gradually melted, sun got a little warmer, animals returned from the deep woods, stressful seasons were over and 4x4’s became less popular. Summer as a kid was the best. Mom would let us run through the sprinklers, swim in the pool we had for ages, take us to the canal and even take us on some camping trips way in the mountains. In the fall, school started up again, leaves of every color would fall from the trees, mornings got colder, yard sales gradually ended for the year and walks got shorter. When it snowed, there were times of no school, sledding on the inter tube up the road, hours of watching snowflakes, making angels, snow fights, blackouts and warming up to snuggly heat.
JESUS
SAYINGS IN COLOR
by Jenna
Thursday, June 3, 2010
CAMPING, SCHOOL, DREAM, ETC. 3-12-2001
For the past two nights I have remembered my dreams and they’ve been rather interesting. I only remember bits and pieces of them though. Everything around here is going pretty good. Today, I bought a bookshelf for Beck because I wanted mine back. The room in here looks really organized. I’m still not working and I’ve made some attempts to find a pretty good job because I know babe won’t be able to pay the bills that much anymore. I know things are getting rough on him lately. I went camping last weekend with my family and it was wayyy fun. We just spent one night but that was good enough time to spend with my family. David sure loves my family also. He gets along with great and even has a certain kind of bond with them. Tomorrow I have my final for class and I haven’t even studied for it. I don’t care. My idea is that I’m a pretty good writer and I could figure out some techniques and ideas to use. I don’t know how she graded my papers so I don’t know how she’ll grade me in my final. Then some students and I were meeting for our accounting class to study for that final on Wednesday. It proved rather helpful and I learned that they are pretty interesting in their own little ways. Man the room looks so nice way organized and stuff. This just makes me want to do some of my magazine collages and stuff. Well doing all of this actually makes me want to study for my final and just focus on that really. Math for me is SOOO hard. I’m happy with my checkbook skills and that calls it good for me. Other than that, it’s a complete mess and totally a job and a half for me to figure it out.
About my dream. The first one I had I (someone was with me driving the boat moving around) was watching some people (maybe even some families) in the water and a lot of their stuff was falling out like bookshelves into the water and I was thinking all of their stuff is falling how awful. All I could remember is their books and bookshelves were falling out. Then in the same dream there was like this apartment place where it was pretty old and I was there. I think we (still don’t know who was there) were stuck out and we had to figure out a way to get in. All I remember is me looking up at the apartment that seemed like two story ups and something falling on my head. There seems to be nothing of significance in this dream really. Maybe it was saying I sometimes throw my knowledge down the drain and I should use it up to my most potential or something like that.
The second dream was more of a fear type of dream. It about David having and affair with Rick’s wife (the electrician guy). It was during New Year’s Eve he had time to have a “sexual encounter” with this woman. He plain out told me he had an affair with her and it seemed like he wanted me to know like out of cold reason first. Then later in the dream he felt really sorry for doing it. I remember feeling real love for him at first and I forgave him. But then all of a sudden my feelings changed towards hurt, anger and even not trusting him anymore. I no longer seen him as this sweet innocent guy who was funny and adorable...but someone who was a liar and not trustful anymore. I know in the dream I would have just left him. Actually, I think I did leave him in the dream because I was at my mom’s house. It seemed like after he told me I was asking a million questions about his escapade and asking why and stuff like that. It even felt like I was guilty...as if I did something wrong or something like that. I know that I didn’t tolerate it and just left him.
Often, I have dreams where I fear David leaving me for another. I always see him as being this mack daddy who will just leave me for someone else. I sometimes have thoughts in my head where he’ll find a great looking woman that he finds mutually attractive and he keeps their relationship secret for awhile then all of a sudden he springs it up that he loves her and wants me to leave.
Knowing David, he is not that type of person. He is the most warming and care giving person in the entire male species (with my brothers following behind of course). He is gentle to my needs, wants and all of my pleasures. He has made me the happiest woman in the whole wide world. I swear there is an angel out there who brought him to my heart and I thank them everyday. We’re just so great together and I would never do anything to mess up what we have. I love him very much and he loves me just as much also.
Well, things for my walking needs to change. I hope when my sister Anne moves over she will go walking and jogging with me every once in awhile. I really want David to hold me as a moderately thin woman. I mean I don’t want him to hold the 200 pound woman like I am all the time. I want him to see me and think I’ll always be the most beautiful thing to him always. Plus, I have less headaches, feel more confident in what I do, clothes feel nicer and the overall feeling of bettering myself. So, I need to really get on the ball and eat better, drink better fluids and exercise my fatass. This low self-esteem, always being tired pathetic self me just can’t last forever!!!
I sure need to write to my friends and family after my finals are over. Right after that I start school in like a freakin week. Oh my how time goes by. Soon I’ll be walking down the aisle with my masters and strutting my stuff. I sure like the first quarter I had instead of the second one. I think sometimes I really want to do good and when I know I put all I could into something then I just say I did my best and just accept the fate of whatever the outcome was (accounting class!!). Most people could spend so many hours doing their homework when I just put it off till the last time (big mistake) and often don’t care. To a certain extent I care VERY much, but there are times when I say it’s just not worth it(the time consumption, putting off other things). Towards the end getting your certificate though you think damn this was hard work.
Well Beck seems okay. She seems more cheery and stuff. We had a small fight today where I asked her (bugged her really) if she could vacuum the stairs. She was all mumbling and saying yes. Not knowing she was saying yes, I kept asking over and over. She got all pissed and said yes...I’ll fucking do it....you know I always will with you bothering me. Please, I couldn't even hear her mumbling ass in the first place. Kids....I swear. Sometimes I wonder about what she is feeling. Is she happy? bored? sad? lonely? depressed? confused? Her modes of expression are sometimes difficult for me to pick up on. She does express her feelings though and how she feels. I don’t know how well I give feedback though. I have thought about that many times. Does she know I do listen to her? Does she know I try my best to give feedback and try not to interrupt or change the subject? I mean I often wonder about these things. It concerns me.
About my dream. The first one I had I (someone was with me driving the boat moving around) was watching some people (maybe even some families) in the water and a lot of their stuff was falling out like bookshelves into the water and I was thinking all of their stuff is falling how awful. All I could remember is their books and bookshelves were falling out. Then in the same dream there was like this apartment place where it was pretty old and I was there. I think we (still don’t know who was there) were stuck out and we had to figure out a way to get in. All I remember is me looking up at the apartment that seemed like two story ups and something falling on my head. There seems to be nothing of significance in this dream really. Maybe it was saying I sometimes throw my knowledge down the drain and I should use it up to my most potential or something like that.
The second dream was more of a fear type of dream. It about David having and affair with Rick’s wife (the electrician guy). It was during New Year’s Eve he had time to have a “sexual encounter” with this woman. He plain out told me he had an affair with her and it seemed like he wanted me to know like out of cold reason first. Then later in the dream he felt really sorry for doing it. I remember feeling real love for him at first and I forgave him. But then all of a sudden my feelings changed towards hurt, anger and even not trusting him anymore. I no longer seen him as this sweet innocent guy who was funny and adorable...but someone who was a liar and not trustful anymore. I know in the dream I would have just left him. Actually, I think I did leave him in the dream because I was at my mom’s house. It seemed like after he told me I was asking a million questions about his escapade and asking why and stuff like that. It even felt like I was guilty...as if I did something wrong or something like that. I know that I didn’t tolerate it and just left him.
Often, I have dreams where I fear David leaving me for another. I always see him as being this mack daddy who will just leave me for someone else. I sometimes have thoughts in my head where he’ll find a great looking woman that he finds mutually attractive and he keeps their relationship secret for awhile then all of a sudden he springs it up that he loves her and wants me to leave.
Knowing David, he is not that type of person. He is the most warming and care giving person in the entire male species (with my brothers following behind of course). He is gentle to my needs, wants and all of my pleasures. He has made me the happiest woman in the whole wide world. I swear there is an angel out there who brought him to my heart and I thank them everyday. We’re just so great together and I would never do anything to mess up what we have. I love him very much and he loves me just as much also.
Well, things for my walking needs to change. I hope when my sister Anne moves over she will go walking and jogging with me every once in awhile. I really want David to hold me as a moderately thin woman. I mean I don’t want him to hold the 200 pound woman like I am all the time. I want him to see me and think I’ll always be the most beautiful thing to him always. Plus, I have less headaches, feel more confident in what I do, clothes feel nicer and the overall feeling of bettering myself. So, I need to really get on the ball and eat better, drink better fluids and exercise my fatass. This low self-esteem, always being tired pathetic self me just can’t last forever!!!
I sure need to write to my friends and family after my finals are over. Right after that I start school in like a freakin week. Oh my how time goes by. Soon I’ll be walking down the aisle with my masters and strutting my stuff. I sure like the first quarter I had instead of the second one. I think sometimes I really want to do good and when I know I put all I could into something then I just say I did my best and just accept the fate of whatever the outcome was (accounting class!!). Most people could spend so many hours doing their homework when I just put it off till the last time (big mistake) and often don’t care. To a certain extent I care VERY much, but there are times when I say it’s just not worth it(the time consumption, putting off other things). Towards the end getting your certificate though you think damn this was hard work.
Well Beck seems okay. She seems more cheery and stuff. We had a small fight today where I asked her (bugged her really) if she could vacuum the stairs. She was all mumbling and saying yes. Not knowing she was saying yes, I kept asking over and over. She got all pissed and said yes...I’ll fucking do it....you know I always will with you bothering me. Please, I couldn't even hear her mumbling ass in the first place. Kids....I swear. Sometimes I wonder about what she is feeling. Is she happy? bored? sad? lonely? depressed? confused? Her modes of expression are sometimes difficult for me to pick up on. She does express her feelings though and how she feels. I don’t know how well I give feedback though. I have thought about that many times. Does she know I do listen to her? Does she know I try my best to give feedback and try not to interrupt or change the subject? I mean I often wonder about these things. It concerns me.
STRESSED AND MEN December 11, 2000
Today is the first day I have written on my computer journal. if everything goes great I plan to write in it more. Things are going pretty good for me. Sort of. I’m going through that stage where I need to look for another job, create a house of my own (where David will love it and want to live with me), get a truck and make a family (preferably four kids).
My low expectations of doing things are not going so great. I don’t go out and look for jobs because I really hate it. The point of getting rejected, going through those pathetic and lame interviews (this is the point where I think I really get out on most of the jobs) and the whole having to please some company and having to work for them sucks. Unfortunately, you have to work everyday or most of your life in order to 1. pay the bills 2. buy some relaxing things that you enjoy (things listed above and clothes, cd’s and magazines), 3. so you can mature with time and realize that working is a valuable asset to your personal life 4. realizing the fact that some things in life are not free. I have tooken these into consideration. Yes, I seriously want a job and would love to have it where I love waking up and enjoy what I do. A huge amount of people are unsatisfied with their work but face the fact that work is important to support kids, pay the bills. live and move on in stages of life. I never really thought about this but you have to work a great amount of your life. It does take a big chunk out of your day: getting ready for work, the commute to and from work, actually time working and some work you have to do outside of your office (sometimes some people do this...why? they’re insane!) I pray I find something very fond in life then integrate it at my future work. At this time I’m going to have to say I am working on finishing one college class and going to then focus on looking for a steady paying job.
I realized that my personal relationships (besides David) are pretty much limited to nothing. I don’t know if it’s because I chose it or I ignore the fact that I don’t spend some quality time with my outer friends or family much. A greater part of my family and friends living far away from me does take a lot of time away from them. I have gotten some discretion about taking this time away like: you haven’t emailed me much, you haven’t talked to me in a long time...what's the matter?, I haven’t gotten a card from you in a long time...why? and stuff like that. It does upset me. I’ve been spending most of my time on doing a lot of homework and haven’t been really focusing on outer spaces of my social life. My time schedule is pretty much fucked up and needs a lot of rearranging. Often, I can find myself wandering in some time zone where I’ll just look at something for a long amount of time wasting many minutes. Or I could be shopping and lose track of time and not even care because I’m having a great time (this one is no biggie though...I LOVE IT!!). These things I need to sort of stray from because of the danger factors behind them. Those being: you’re losing quality time doing nothing, spending time on this when you should be doing that or taking away from some valuable social time with others. Hopefully I’ll be able to do this---where I focus on my time schedule more carefully.
I really love and care for David with all my heart but sometimes he can be really irritable and a pain in the ass. He sort of reminds me of my brother Braden where he can be such a huge teddy bear and then just be a big goofy ass sometimes. Not like this is horribly soaring on me or anything but it could be difficult in some communication areas. I sometimes forget that he is everything I wanted in a guy. I mean I asked (from the cupid person themselves) what I wanted in a guy...from a-z and basically got what I wanted. I wanted him to be really cute (gorgeous blue eyes, great ass and wonderful smile) a jean and t-shirt guy, have no kids, have a good paying job, have a nice place to live (that don’t smell or look nasty looking and in a nice area), have some kind of means of transportation, be really nice (I’m not into asshole men who think they’re the shit) and have some of the other common things I love in a guy. He often lacks some common sense kind of things that I really love but all around he’s an A+. For example, he doesn’t buy me cards, write me love notes, give me some things just out of the ordinary because he loves me. I often think that sometimes his monetary persuasion can get confusing with personal relationship love. There are some people who buy love with the money they have and buy people for things. I sometimes think David has this way of thinking and it could be upsetting at times. For example, we were at the casino and there were 2 times when he was sitting by two pretty women at different times. I think to show the power in him, he showed those women how much money he had and kept spending it and spending it playing blackjack. He even gave one of the women a few dollars right in front of me. In my mind (yes my very pathetic mind) it was like he wanted this very much so. He said he wanted me there but deep down he didn’t want me there at all. These women (one blond had her leg right up to David and the other some smallass Asian women who looked like a little girl) were obviously very attractive. What hurt me was that he ignored me practically and just didn’t want me there. The thing that hurt me most was him giving the asian girl some money. Why it upsetted me so much is beyond my own thinking. I do have some possible reasons why: he wanted me away from him so he could mack, he kept spending money like a drunken fool, his obvious love to flirt and their company instead of mine, his general fondness towards the asian girl and then giving her money(who was pretty cool though), we were supposed to have quality time with each other and what we both like and not just what he likes, his willingness to bend backwards for either of those women (just like when he first met me...:( or when we were first went out together) and the fact that when I asked for five bucks he rejected me and told me to just sit by him and wait. Knowing I would just leave, he just didn’t give me money (but would give cute asian girl 3 bucks whole -heartily). Then I spend eighty dollars more just because of his obvious rejection and could have gotten some more gifts instead. Actually my first intention was to spend only 40 bucks. The other 40 was waiting for David then I waited too long and got pissed and wasted it on the machines. It did hurt me a lot. I have come to an understanding that David was just having fun. The whole thing does have some ridiculous points to it. But from a woman's perspective, they probably have gone through this many times. Their obvious rejection in doing or saying anything only makes them die inside more. Not like I bitch all the time and make a hate list of what David does. I just try to communicate my issues and hopefully he gives me the feedback I want to hear (it often helps when I tell him what I hear instead of having him guess). They could just guess for like a minute and then easily give up. So going down that route generally doesn’t work. Hopefully I’ll become stronger and more understandable of relationships. Right now I’m just insanely jealous and have a very poor attitude towards David looking at other women. Actually, ok yeah I am jealous. The whole night (the night at the casino) I had a positive attitude and didn’t care if David looked at other women. David not wanting to spend time with me and flirting really bad with the other women and having them sit right by them and touching each other is where I draw the line. Next thing I’m at the slot machines and they’re switching telephone numbers, getting a quickie in her car or something like that (yes beyond exaggeration but hey). I also had this thing where he paid women for sex and that really didn’t go into my head as much as the other things I said. But the whole giving money to the Asian girl hurt me (yes I’ll dwell...it’s my damn journal). I told him and all he did was tell me to shut up. That really wasn’t what I was looking for. I was looking for an apology and that he didn’t mean to do what he was doing and sorry jenna...didn’t know that hurt you jenna kinda thing. Instead, he took the route of making himself feel better because he was getting the attention of those women and didn’t care to hear what I said because he was having fun. Trying to communicate this to him only gets worse. Today, I didn’t want to talk to him because I told him how giving the women money hurt my feelings. This is when he told me to shut up (like I am some fukking white trash bitch who don’t care). The rest of the ride home I ignored his dickheaded comment. When he got home he goes. “so is this where you’re not going to talk to me anymore? (I said nothing...very obvious yes...meanwhile trying to open the door and very cold) fine...just go to your room and lie down like you always do”. For future reference, I’ve found that going to the computer room and writing a poem is just as effective. In most cases, I would go and lie down in my room and cry for hours because my feelings have been hurt. This time I went to my room and just wrote a poem. Later on, we were talking again when he asked me if I wanted to help him clean the shed. I did (giving into my weaknesses and not saying no). Then we had a cheeseburger and watched TV for the rest of the night.
Most of the time, I feel like I’m constantly being a wuss and have to stick up more for myself and not give in so much. To some degree though, I feel like I don’t have to put up with shit (or feel like it in my head really) and don’t want anyone to stomp on my feelings or tell me what to do. A gal has got to have some independence and live free as she does so (with the obvious degrees of how you live of course and how you’re living with others...respect wise).
i hate school. i hate doing homework and it sucks big time. i wish i could just hire someone to hire to do all my damn homework i swear. i just think everything sucks big time. well just the school work. it just sucks the time you have to put into it to have a good paper. im taking the summer off. if i get money im going to give it back to whoever gave it to me and say no thanks i don't want to go this summer.
david is all being loud and braden came over from yakima and wanted to spend a week over here. which is going to be pretty cool. oh braden went to sleep and david has a loud voice and is talking left and right like there is no tomorrow about his baseball cards.
jaye and david went to the mariners game tonight and they won. they are doing damn good because of their excellent pitching. well and they got edgar, ichiro, olerud, cameron, and some other damn good players. jaye and his gf went back to yakima. she wanted to go home because she was ssoooooooooooo concerned about that furry thing with four legs she calls a cat. i would loovvvvvvvee cats if the damn things didn't poop so much. oh back to the baseball thing. jaye got david obcessed with buying baseball cards so he could get these cards inside where on one card its called a sluggers card and you get a chance to win a trip to the all star game in seattle. what you do with the code on the card is go on the internet and then enter the code and it gives you three nine choices of players and then you have to chose only three of the nine. when trying to select the players you try to have players who have the most homeruns, singles, double, triples, base on balls and stuff like that. so basically get three players who have a lot of points racked up. and then there are weekly prizes given every week. they have till like may 25th and then it's over. no more buying cards like crazy...man i swear he spent like a gajillion dollars already trying to get the "perfect" team. oh well. he's been having a lot of fun and keeping him real busy.
i had a cool mothers day weekend. it was fun. i went home. went into the mountains and was with chico his gf and their little baby, duval and braden. it was fun. and then on mothers day we were all at the house and we all gave mom some gifts and ate cake and ice cream. oh and we went fishing at some lake. david was all excited. he didn't catch but a little fish...it was adorable. jerry and braden caught like a nine inch fish...it was cute seeing them all fish. even my mom fished a little but she didn't get anything. i just sat back and relaxed.
My low expectations of doing things are not going so great. I don’t go out and look for jobs because I really hate it. The point of getting rejected, going through those pathetic and lame interviews (this is the point where I think I really get out on most of the jobs) and the whole having to please some company and having to work for them sucks. Unfortunately, you have to work everyday or most of your life in order to 1. pay the bills 2. buy some relaxing things that you enjoy (things listed above and clothes, cd’s and magazines), 3. so you can mature with time and realize that working is a valuable asset to your personal life 4. realizing the fact that some things in life are not free. I have tooken these into consideration. Yes, I seriously want a job and would love to have it where I love waking up and enjoy what I do. A huge amount of people are unsatisfied with their work but face the fact that work is important to support kids, pay the bills. live and move on in stages of life. I never really thought about this but you have to work a great amount of your life. It does take a big chunk out of your day: getting ready for work, the commute to and from work, actually time working and some work you have to do outside of your office (sometimes some people do this...why? they’re insane!) I pray I find something very fond in life then integrate it at my future work. At this time I’m going to have to say I am working on finishing one college class and going to then focus on looking for a steady paying job.
I realized that my personal relationships (besides David) are pretty much limited to nothing. I don’t know if it’s because I chose it or I ignore the fact that I don’t spend some quality time with my outer friends or family much. A greater part of my family and friends living far away from me does take a lot of time away from them. I have gotten some discretion about taking this time away like: you haven’t emailed me much, you haven’t talked to me in a long time...what's the matter?, I haven’t gotten a card from you in a long time...why? and stuff like that. It does upset me. I’ve been spending most of my time on doing a lot of homework and haven’t been really focusing on outer spaces of my social life. My time schedule is pretty much fucked up and needs a lot of rearranging. Often, I can find myself wandering in some time zone where I’ll just look at something for a long amount of time wasting many minutes. Or I could be shopping and lose track of time and not even care because I’m having a great time (this one is no biggie though...I LOVE IT!!). These things I need to sort of stray from because of the danger factors behind them. Those being: you’re losing quality time doing nothing, spending time on this when you should be doing that or taking away from some valuable social time with others. Hopefully I’ll be able to do this---where I focus on my time schedule more carefully.
I really love and care for David with all my heart but sometimes he can be really irritable and a pain in the ass. He sort of reminds me of my brother Braden where he can be such a huge teddy bear and then just be a big goofy ass sometimes. Not like this is horribly soaring on me or anything but it could be difficult in some communication areas. I sometimes forget that he is everything I wanted in a guy. I mean I asked (from the cupid person themselves) what I wanted in a guy...from a-z and basically got what I wanted. I wanted him to be really cute (gorgeous blue eyes, great ass and wonderful smile) a jean and t-shirt guy, have no kids, have a good paying job, have a nice place to live (that don’t smell or look nasty looking and in a nice area), have some kind of means of transportation, be really nice (I’m not into asshole men who think they’re the shit) and have some of the other common things I love in a guy. He often lacks some common sense kind of things that I really love but all around he’s an A+. For example, he doesn’t buy me cards, write me love notes, give me some things just out of the ordinary because he loves me. I often think that sometimes his monetary persuasion can get confusing with personal relationship love. There are some people who buy love with the money they have and buy people for things. I sometimes think David has this way of thinking and it could be upsetting at times. For example, we were at the casino and there were 2 times when he was sitting by two pretty women at different times. I think to show the power in him, he showed those women how much money he had and kept spending it and spending it playing blackjack. He even gave one of the women a few dollars right in front of me. In my mind (yes my very pathetic mind) it was like he wanted this very much so. He said he wanted me there but deep down he didn’t want me there at all. These women (one blond had her leg right up to David and the other some smallass Asian women who looked like a little girl) were obviously very attractive. What hurt me was that he ignored me practically and just didn’t want me there. The thing that hurt me most was him giving the asian girl some money. Why it upsetted me so much is beyond my own thinking. I do have some possible reasons why: he wanted me away from him so he could mack, he kept spending money like a drunken fool, his obvious love to flirt and their company instead of mine, his general fondness towards the asian girl and then giving her money(who was pretty cool though), we were supposed to have quality time with each other and what we both like and not just what he likes, his willingness to bend backwards for either of those women (just like when he first met me...:( or when we were first went out together) and the fact that when I asked for five bucks he rejected me and told me to just sit by him and wait. Knowing I would just leave, he just didn’t give me money (but would give cute asian girl 3 bucks whole -heartily). Then I spend eighty dollars more just because of his obvious rejection and could have gotten some more gifts instead. Actually my first intention was to spend only 40 bucks. The other 40 was waiting for David then I waited too long and got pissed and wasted it on the machines. It did hurt me a lot. I have come to an understanding that David was just having fun. The whole thing does have some ridiculous points to it. But from a woman's perspective, they probably have gone through this many times. Their obvious rejection in doing or saying anything only makes them die inside more. Not like I bitch all the time and make a hate list of what David does. I just try to communicate my issues and hopefully he gives me the feedback I want to hear (it often helps when I tell him what I hear instead of having him guess). They could just guess for like a minute and then easily give up. So going down that route generally doesn’t work. Hopefully I’ll become stronger and more understandable of relationships. Right now I’m just insanely jealous and have a very poor attitude towards David looking at other women. Actually, ok yeah I am jealous. The whole night (the night at the casino) I had a positive attitude and didn’t care if David looked at other women. David not wanting to spend time with me and flirting really bad with the other women and having them sit right by them and touching each other is where I draw the line. Next thing I’m at the slot machines and they’re switching telephone numbers, getting a quickie in her car or something like that (yes beyond exaggeration but hey). I also had this thing where he paid women for sex and that really didn’t go into my head as much as the other things I said. But the whole giving money to the Asian girl hurt me (yes I’ll dwell...it’s my damn journal). I told him and all he did was tell me to shut up. That really wasn’t what I was looking for. I was looking for an apology and that he didn’t mean to do what he was doing and sorry jenna...didn’t know that hurt you jenna kinda thing. Instead, he took the route of making himself feel better because he was getting the attention of those women and didn’t care to hear what I said because he was having fun. Trying to communicate this to him only gets worse. Today, I didn’t want to talk to him because I told him how giving the women money hurt my feelings. This is when he told me to shut up (like I am some fukking white trash bitch who don’t care). The rest of the ride home I ignored his dickheaded comment. When he got home he goes. “so is this where you’re not going to talk to me anymore? (I said nothing...very obvious yes...meanwhile trying to open the door and very cold) fine...just go to your room and lie down like you always do”. For future reference, I’ve found that going to the computer room and writing a poem is just as effective. In most cases, I would go and lie down in my room and cry for hours because my feelings have been hurt. This time I went to my room and just wrote a poem. Later on, we were talking again when he asked me if I wanted to help him clean the shed. I did (giving into my weaknesses and not saying no). Then we had a cheeseburger and watched TV for the rest of the night.
Most of the time, I feel like I’m constantly being a wuss and have to stick up more for myself and not give in so much. To some degree though, I feel like I don’t have to put up with shit (or feel like it in my head really) and don’t want anyone to stomp on my feelings or tell me what to do. A gal has got to have some independence and live free as she does so (with the obvious degrees of how you live of course and how you’re living with others...respect wise).
i hate school. i hate doing homework and it sucks big time. i wish i could just hire someone to hire to do all my damn homework i swear. i just think everything sucks big time. well just the school work. it just sucks the time you have to put into it to have a good paper. im taking the summer off. if i get money im going to give it back to whoever gave it to me and say no thanks i don't want to go this summer.
david is all being loud and braden came over from yakima and wanted to spend a week over here. which is going to be pretty cool. oh braden went to sleep and david has a loud voice and is talking left and right like there is no tomorrow about his baseball cards.
jaye and david went to the mariners game tonight and they won. they are doing damn good because of their excellent pitching. well and they got edgar, ichiro, olerud, cameron, and some other damn good players. jaye and his gf went back to yakima. she wanted to go home because she was ssoooooooooooo concerned about that furry thing with four legs she calls a cat. i would loovvvvvvvee cats if the damn things didn't poop so much. oh back to the baseball thing. jaye got david obcessed with buying baseball cards so he could get these cards inside where on one card its called a sluggers card and you get a chance to win a trip to the all star game in seattle. what you do with the code on the card is go on the internet and then enter the code and it gives you three nine choices of players and then you have to chose only three of the nine. when trying to select the players you try to have players who have the most homeruns, singles, double, triples, base on balls and stuff like that. so basically get three players who have a lot of points racked up. and then there are weekly prizes given every week. they have till like may 25th and then it's over. no more buying cards like crazy...man i swear he spent like a gajillion dollars already trying to get the "perfect" team. oh well. he's been having a lot of fun and keeping him real busy.
i had a cool mothers day weekend. it was fun. i went home. went into the mountains and was with chico his gf and their little baby, duval and braden. it was fun. and then on mothers day we were all at the house and we all gave mom some gifts and ate cake and ice cream. oh and we went fishing at some lake. david was all excited. he didn't catch but a little fish...it was adorable. jerry and braden caught like a nine inch fish...it was cute seeing them all fish. even my mom fished a little but she didn't get anything. i just sat back and relaxed.
COMPLAINING AT WORK October 21, 2000
Moved into new house. I am at work and I’d rather be somewhere else than here. People being denied writing checks can be ignorant dumbasses. I need to be more open about being friendly with people. My throat is killing me and I feel tired. I want Sundays off. That should be my “rest” and sit back day. I think I’ll tell David I want to quit my job. Well I think I’m a bigass fib liar who will never quit. I‘m not a quitter that’s why. I want my paycheck and the luxuries that come behind those hard hours of work and those “hell” J drives going to and from work.
This job can be pretty shitty because the customers don’t want to take time to care why they were declined. I think they’re all idiots. Ok no-- I guess if I was declined then I would be upset but would at least asked possible questions at what’s going on or what circumstances let me be declined. Or maybe I would go insane not even understanding the process of the whole check processes and stuff. I keep writing in here like a big weirdo. I have nothing in particular to say. I’m just saying whatever goes through my head.
I should be seeing if I have homework. Wait I can’t…I don’t even have my books here so never mind. I find it way interesting that some people could hold conversations with someone either in their head or with just themselves. For me, I talk to myself but its like a self therapy kind of thing. I also like to play like I’m some mental head. That “special” kind of attention is fun. Its almost lunch. I think I’ll drive to the store and get some grub. Oh and see if they have any CD’s so I can listen to it on the way home. Man I feel this obsession to buy a lot of CD’s. I bought $55 bucks worth and 2 of them suck. I really don’t like buying many CD’s- I prefer recording songs on the radio.
This job can be pretty shitty because the customers don’t want to take time to care why they were declined. I think they’re all idiots. Ok no-- I guess if I was declined then I would be upset but would at least asked possible questions at what’s going on or what circumstances let me be declined. Or maybe I would go insane not even understanding the process of the whole check processes and stuff. I keep writing in here like a big weirdo. I have nothing in particular to say. I’m just saying whatever goes through my head.
I should be seeing if I have homework. Wait I can’t…I don’t even have my books here so never mind. I find it way interesting that some people could hold conversations with someone either in their head or with just themselves. For me, I talk to myself but its like a self therapy kind of thing. I also like to play like I’m some mental head. That “special” kind of attention is fun. Its almost lunch. I think I’ll drive to the store and get some grub. Oh and see if they have any CD’s so I can listen to it on the way home. Man I feel this obsession to buy a lot of CD’s. I bought $55 bucks worth and 2 of them suck. I really don’t like buying many CD’s- I prefer recording songs on the radio.
Breast Cancer IS okay now
These were my emotional roller coaster years (2004-2005) of breast cancer, metastatic type 4. It went to the left pelvic bone, the liver and different parts of the body. The right side of the breast is the main area of my cancer. You can tell I’m not all that medically knowledgeable to the point where I’m not an expert. You hear horror story after another, women with your type of breast cancer live 2-4 years. I feel fortunate to have even be here really. Plus, you hear women with this type of breast cancer don’t live too long because of the type I have and it goes on and on. I tend not to read much because they’re all so depressing to me. It only adds to the intensity and terror you’re already facing so I don’t waste my time. I was told to read EVERYTHING about my cancer and be aware. I never did. I honestly never did. I didn’t want to drown myself with the horror of knowing that statistically I have only a year left. No thanks. I know the basics and that’s it.
Now, I just keep my all my cancer in the hands in God and that’s good enough for me. I’ve always had a strong faith in God knowing he’s by my side at all times and I only keep my health in his hands now. If he wants me to join him in heaven with all the other angels, then so be it. For right now, I’m happy and divulge in everything as much as I can. My poems are not about breast cancer itself but stresses people have, the world as many see or perceive it and the very powerful connection to God who is truly and honestly the beginning and the end. He is my strength and power of everyday.
There are endless accounts of peoples stories of how they got out of their lows and some of them are inspiring. That’s what my story is about. They are about earths cycle of how you loved, struggled, suffered, helped another or finding God for once in your life or found him again. Finding some sanity and peace of mind is hard to find when you’re looking in the wrong direction. Following someone else’s plan of how you think you want to be doesn’t always work out. You thought you wanted to be like your friend who drank, did drugs, slept around, stole or be like the ridiculous movie stars you envy as young adults. Or even worse you were ridiculed as a young adult because of your holy beliefs in God and not doing those other so-called cool things. Either way you get confused.
The following journal is my own and how I grew up spiritually. I was rather immature and didn’t use all my common sense in the past. Today, I am a completely different person who loves and forgives with all my heart. I have asked for Gods forgiveness of who I was and he forgives. If you ask you truly do receive. Miracles and coincidences are no accident. Things happen for a reason. Fate is beautiful.
Now, I just keep my all my cancer in the hands in God and that’s good enough for me. I’ve always had a strong faith in God knowing he’s by my side at all times and I only keep my health in his hands now. If he wants me to join him in heaven with all the other angels, then so be it. For right now, I’m happy and divulge in everything as much as I can. My poems are not about breast cancer itself but stresses people have, the world as many see or perceive it and the very powerful connection to God who is truly and honestly the beginning and the end. He is my strength and power of everyday.
There are endless accounts of peoples stories of how they got out of their lows and some of them are inspiring. That’s what my story is about. They are about earths cycle of how you loved, struggled, suffered, helped another or finding God for once in your life or found him again. Finding some sanity and peace of mind is hard to find when you’re looking in the wrong direction. Following someone else’s plan of how you think you want to be doesn’t always work out. You thought you wanted to be like your friend who drank, did drugs, slept around, stole or be like the ridiculous movie stars you envy as young adults. Or even worse you were ridiculed as a young adult because of your holy beliefs in God and not doing those other so-called cool things. Either way you get confused.
The following journal is my own and how I grew up spiritually. I was rather immature and didn’t use all my common sense in the past. Today, I am a completely different person who loves and forgives with all my heart. I have asked for Gods forgiveness of who I was and he forgives. If you ask you truly do receive. Miracles and coincidences are no accident. Things happen for a reason. Fate is beautiful.
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