MOM VISITED & MUSIC September 28, 2005 2:42 a.m.

Today was a beautiful day. David and I drove towards Bickleton looking for this windmill plant but ended up finding nothing. But I thought the drive alone was gorgeous. I slept really late. Till like two in the afternoon. How insane is that? Its really nice to have my own bed back. I sure miss my chit chat talks with mom though at nights. Plus sleeping at her side wasn’t that bad at all. Plus the never ending drama is always fun to be round there. I mean it never gets boring- that’s all. I sure missed tootsie roll too. He makes me laugh, hold me, takes care of me and even cooks nice homemade meals for me. How lucky can a girl be really? Umm…growing up I always loved music. I like most types of music also. I think music brings people together all the time. I think art does too. Man its been so cold a nights and warm during the days. I sure love chocolate, my life would be pretty dull and boring if I had no chocolate in my life- that’s for darn sure. Even feel like some people were actually born with half a brain for some weird and strange reason? I think so too. I mean the things people do these days is rather ridiculous.

FAMILY FIGHTING May 16, 2007 Wednesday 01:33 p.m.

I think yesterday was a full moon because it seemed real odd and tense. I just remembered waking up to Joe and Nikolai yelling. I believe (not 100% sure) Joe was yelling at Nikolai to go spend time with her kids. Then Joe comes back in seeing her on the cell phone outside and then starts up with Braden. Braden yelled at Joe saying don’t yell at Nikolai because Nikolais trying (which she’s been trying for 8-9 years now since she was 14-15 years old). So Joe was like she’s only around for two days (if that) out of the month. Joe says stuff we never even dare to say. Then Nik and Braden go with Jr and Arlene to play by the tree. Next thing they’re in the front and leaving with Duval to take the stolen copper to get some money (by the way it was stolen from Bradens work) which I believe is terrible in itself. I mean it is stealing for crying out loud. Then mom and I were feeling bad they were yelling at Joe because he spoke the truth. Joe went to the back yard and we were wondering where he was for a moment. I made my pop tart and went to go see Braden and them. They were getting ready to go and Braden took one of my delicious chocolate pop tarts and drove off saying Jr didn’t eat. He was glaring at Dawn because in his mind Joe and Dawn were calling (him/him & her) bad parents. They’re overly sensitive I think and ridiculously wanting to fight back. I mean that’s their automatic response is to be defensively abrupt with yelling and fighting words. Oh so I call to offer mom and I to come and pick his van up. Mom wanted to finish her movie so we waited a little. Then we left and next thing we get there. Well Dawn stayed home because Joe was with his friends driving around. Now that I know he was drinking and selling Bradens copper without his permission. In the night, oh yeah mom and Dawn came with me to Goldendale and mom had an inkling to stay because Joe was drinking and mom said- told Joe to stay out of trouble. David shows us the property and we get a call while waiting in the truck from Beck saying Joe/Braden/Nikoalai were fighting. Dawns in the front seat talking loud going- should I call the Wapato Police? Mom and I were in the back seat of the truck saying…sshh all embarrassed. We couldn’t’ do anything what happened is Joe took (stole-depends on ones view) copper and Braden was mad. Joe was drinking and yelling at Nikolai Joe went towards Nikolai physically and Braden protected her. Braden beat Joe up. Joe goes to jail. Gets out next day. Nikolai goes to jail and gets sentenced. She gets out June 9th. Its rather insane. Well it was insane that day. We stopped to get $5 more bucks at the casino and left. Mom and Dawn went in and mom wanted more tickets to win the RV. The feud between Joe and Nikolai is very heated. Braden milks into Nikolais deceit and lies against Joe causing us to fight and try to bring us apart as a family. She’s a compulsive liar with many versions of her stories. Who knows? May God give her an awakening to be loving, honest, alcohol free, drug free, keep away from bad influences and seriously get treatment or else the cycle of her madness will continue. Oh I think on that day too mom and Dawn fought about mom tickling Dawn and Dawn got really upset. That was pretty weird too. Oh what a day!!

WHAT'S GENUINELY ATTRACTIVE TO YOU? May 4, 2005

When looking at either a male or female- I think that a big fat sex smile is genuinely attractive. I think many people out there who have no smile but a nasty smirk, grin, angry face, snobby turn or anything shitty is going to be ugly. Cockiness is unattractive too! When someone thinks they’re all that then it only disgusts you. Yeah they could be good looking but once that bubble over explodes then its just gross and all downhill from there. Confidence is very attractive. When a person is confident it screams attractiveness and yells come get more of me. When one is confident they don’t yell for attention- they just automatically just get it. This is very true. When they’re confident, they’re charismatic, funny, smile a lot, lighten a room and blast with attractiveness. What’s attractive in a mans voice is one that carries and is pretty loud and can be very demanding. Soft voices are weak and unattractive. When its too light you want to pull their teeth out and tell them to be a man. What’s attractive about a woman’s voice is light and whispery. If she sounds like she smokes five packs of cigarettes a day, heavy man voice or crackly then that’s unattractive. When a woman’s voice is cheery, light and carefree then that exuberates confidence. What makes both the man and women attractive is their looks. Everyone has their own taste of what they prefer in their spouse. Often it’s the looks you see first, if you have a taste for a certain package then that’s what you’ll look for.
Now, let me tell you about my attractive male list I made a very long time ago. I actually prayed to God at what I prefer in my perfect mate. I wanted him to have no kids, have no ex that was going to ever be around, have a good job, a nice place to live, make good money, be good looking, be genuinely nice, have a sense of humor, wear jeans tees mostly and have own car. Now this was asking a lot but my prayers were actually answered when I met David Latshaw. He actually fit my list from A-Z. I mean he was a perfect match. I thought he was great looking the moment I seen him and I knew I was really attracted to him. He was the perfect height to kiss to. I loved that part. We had great physical chemistry which was excellent.
What I find attractive is very opposite to many women out there. We all have different tastes, desires and wants. Many find a soul mate and many wander aimlessly always hoping the next person is Mr./Mrs. right. To me attractiveness is good looks, sense of humor, sexy smile, confidence, carrying yourself with care, being naturally bossy, caring for others/yourself, laughter, good spirit, warm heart, kindness and warmth. All of this is David and I combined. Together we exuberate an attractive couple. Plus, we’re happy together and care for each other deeply. I love him with all my heart and I’m blessed that he’s in my life. Not a day goes by where I don’t appreciate babe. He’s everything attractive and much much more!
What do you find attractive all depends in your own experiences, tastes, recollections of past relationships, levels of commitments and where you are in life right now. Do you want a physical or life long relationship? Both depends on how attractive they are! If they’re so so then a few things if great then marriage.

ENJOYING YOUR SPARE TIME May 3, 2005

Since as long as I can remember, I’ve always enjoyed music. In my time, I recorded songs off the radio on to tapes. CD’s came then I bought CD’s and then put my favorite songs on the tapes. Then internet came, I downloaded songs off the internet and then put them on tapes. Then I put songs off the internet radio on to tape. I really love music. Its soothing, relaxing, and great to sing and dance to. I’ve always enjoyed cutting out of magazines and doing my own collages. They’re like my own scrap booking really. I’m really good at it and great with words. I’m great at reaching sensitive spots to a persons heart and making people feel good. So collages are a way to make people feel better and my own self entertainment and pleasure. For quite some time I’ve enjoyed writing. Either journaling, poetry or just daily what happened kind of things. I like to sew but I have no idea how to use the machine that great so its pretty frustrating. I also like to get lots of quotes and put them in books or whatever I make for others. There are so many great quotes out there. When I have lots of money I like to shop. When I go shopping I like to look for nice pillows, comforter blankets, clothes, socks, undies, CD’s, candles, hair products (when I have hair J), bags, books, pen sheets and stuff like that. Oh and moisturizer/lotion stuff when I go somewhere I like to drive by myself because I like to listen to the radio loud with no complaints about what I’m listening to. Mom, David, Jerry are the hardest to drive with because they complain. Long drives by myself are very comforting and beautiful to see different scenery. I really love to take long baths too. Those are always really nice. I listen to the radio and think about everything. I really love bubble baths. On some occasions I find the need to just go and try on clothes and buy a lot that I like. Often this is comforting and really nice. Now my last pleasure is gambling. When I’m gambling my mind strays from any worries like cancer so it’s really nice to get away from the world and just gamble. With my family around its also fun to see them having fun and enjoying themselves as well. Also, I like to clean the place with the radio on loud. Its nice to have your end result to be a clean and organized home. Plus, you enjoy it while jamming out to your favorite tunes. These are all of my favorite spare time entertainment events.

FRIDAY & UNHAPPY March 22, 2005

Many ass moons since I’ve wrote to myself. Not much going on this Friday afternoon. David’s working with Ben next door trying to put up a deck I think its more exhausting doing nothing gat all than doing a lot of things at once. I’ve been laying in bed for hours now not really doing much. My mind is far from excited and happy. I’m being caved in by myself. I’m cementing my core soul from living and experiencing . I used to love a lot of things but lately I’m having a hard time going back to things I enjoy. There are no goals in my future. I seem so very helpless now. There are no answers to questions of helplessness and hopelessness I feel. Am I happy? Will I be happy? Were you ever happy? Why you sad? What the hells wrong with you? Cheer up you stupid ass hole!! L

GO WALK & EXERCISE January 5, 2005 Wednesday

David asked- do you want to walk? I said no- I’m bloated. Then he says by eating cookies, donuts, pies and not exercising you’re going to gain weight. I don’t want you getting any bigger. Walking is not that hard. You’re hurting others by not walking. You’re making it hard for yourself. I called Adecco/credit card place.

TACO BELL, UNO & POOL January 1, 2005 Saturday

Beck, Amy and I went to Taco Bell. it was the funnest New Years party at moms. Braden lit fireworks, we all toasted in the kitchen, we played UNO and rummy. Jerry scratched my hand, we hugged each other. We went and played pool. Jaye, Jamie and Duval went to Jayes. It was fun because everyone was happy.

PARTY ELSEWHERE December 31, 2004 Friday

Went to moms house. Anne drove behind me and David. She went to Texaco in Toppenish and then Costco. She had a soda and parmesan pretzel. She didn’t come to moms. She wanted to find a party.

DRIVE TO FIRE & OWL ON THE ROAD 11-17-04 title: what I was thinking

Tonight David and I seen a fire in the mountains we filled up the tank and made a brave attempt to drive towards the fire wanting to take a picture. Getting my camera and gung ho and ready to hit it, we start driving. At first, the excitement of getting close to the fire raised our adrenaline level to an all time high for that day. We filled up the tank slowly making a decision of how we shall even head up. Not even knowing where to head in the first place we only guess of where the fire may be. Obviously, we follow the night light flame in the sky and head towards that way. By not knowing where to go I meant we had no clue of what road to take. Filling up the gas tank I took a couple pictures of David while he isn’t looking at the pump and by the store.
I saw an owl on the road. At least I think I did. Now in Native American culture it is a holy tradition to slow down or be careful at what may be ahead of us. Suddenly, I’m more alert to David’s driving- making sure his bad vision sees any animals hopping or running in front of us causing us to swerve off into the heavy tree line on both sides of the road. So I’m paranoid at this point cautiously paying attention to the road and forgetting about the flame. If I do look towards the flame I only do so for a short time. No cars were around. One truck did pass us by on the way there. I think there were other cars going up that way looking for the fire also because two cars passed us when we decided to turn around. David and I were talking on the way about oddball stuff like his stock talk, shopping Christmas time or the usual small talk stuff.
Having no radio does cause many to talk more or sing their own tunes. I had the holiday spirit in me so I sang some holly jolly Christmas tunes. David didn’t seem to mind. We did get out taking our snapshot but it was so far away it only was a black image with no hint of any fire in the background. Needless to say, our excitement was fatigued by the time we were heading back. We drove close to an hour or even longer hoping for some close action by the fire. It sucked nothing happened. Oh well. Maybe it wasn’t meant for us to see any drama. We did see some deer on the way there. They were crossing going towards the left side of the road. I seen them pretty far away and David didn’t notice them until we got pretty close. I seen two and David seen one. The night was pretty fun. I enjoyed it a lot.

THE CRUEL MOM 11-15-04

Last night David called his birth mom. He calls up and says hey this is David Catherine- how are you doing? She hung up. Thinking they got accidentally disconnected, he called her right back. He calls back and she says “I don’t want to talk to you” and hangs up abruptly. Sitting to his left and hearing this my emotional reaction was to cry. He was hurt too. I could tell he was upset and disappointed. I cried for like 20 or so minutes. My sadness turned to anger towards his birth mom. Then David tells me- well it wasn’t easy giving up your only child. Then it turned to pity.

THE PEN, MORE STRESS, MY BOYFRIEND AND NATIVE AMERICANS 11-10-04 very cold November

Hello again- long time no see. I haven’t written forever and ever. Ick that pen sucked. Well lets see- things have been going alright. I didn’t like that pen either. I don’t know whether to write straight or silly cursive. Hmmm…. Maybe cursive. It’s cold out. Burr. Damnit- I keep switching pens. Goof. We’ve been in Goldendale close to four or maybe five months. Maybe even three- I’m not really sure. I love it here. It’s very peaceful and beautiful area of Washington State. I love that every time we go walking we get to see deer. I also don’t feel overly anxious, paranoid or overly excited. Here, you’re just simple, relaxed, monotone and carefree. I’ve written much more and enjoy seeing my family. Riding to Yakima from Goldendale is very risk taking though and scary. There’s no mid cement wall, there’s few passing lanes and too many risky attempts to pass. Cars that try have to realize there’s predominantly trucks coming towards you heads on. Numerous accidents have happened as a result of speeding, poor decisions and wanting to get by a car/truck in a hurry because they’re late or just speeding to get somewhere fast.
The power of the pen is intimidating, concrete, damaging, enriching, empowering, entertaining, damaging, self-fulfilled and even confusing. Today, the power of the pen is often transcribed through keyboards on to computers and then printers. What I mean by the power is through legal documents, signatures making documents official, those writing aim to touch or change your lives, diaries follow you innermost personal tragedies/stories, literature, poetry, short stories, novels, newspapers articles, magazine articles, songs/lyrics, news broadcasts, etc. Actually, these all started with a genuine thought. A very few have been given the gift of touching millions of lives. I find it beautiful you can actually be enriched and empowered through words, ideas, lyrics, stories, novels, poetry, fiction, non-fiction, commercial ads, magazine articles/ads, books, posters, on-line stories and even calendars. All of them expressed through ones emotions, fears, hopes, anticipations, dreams, fights, copes, struggles, and even past futures or present lives. Intensity, drive and change requires all of us to reach and look further beyond going ahead of yourself and others all the time.
Soon, I hope to have a beautiful child by the age of 31 or 32. I always envision my own child. Intensity grows as I get fewer and fewer eggs. Actually, when I say envision I just imagine names for both a boy and a girl. There are many other aspects I always have to consider also. For example, I have to keep an eye out for my health, my age a home for the child/children, community I’d want them to grow up in , a father of some sort and whether or not I’ll even be married up on conceiving my first child. These all have to be weighed out and carefully examined. I’m not sure what’s going to happen in this category of my fragile years of being in my thirties. David, believe it or not, is a very wonderful guy. A great majority of the male population can be turn aways. What I mean by turn aways is- you gave them one look, one date, one moment of maybe then put them in the turn aways section never looking back. Even while being with davit for these four years had been troublesome at times where he’s came damn near close to being a turn away. What matters to me is a soft heart that is genuinely loving and sincere. David is far from perfect but he’s a fighter and a real go-getter. That can be stubborn, senseless and overdramatic. Can I be happier? Yeah, of course. Who couldn’t be? There are things about him that make my hair turn gray or my urge to rip some shirts off and go WWF. Man I just get pissed at some things he says and some things he does. It’s all part of being in a relationship or being around each other all the time. His talented gift with money is a great resource but his weakness comes when he’ll refer to spending on a daily basis. We can be at a store and I’ll want something then he’ll be like- I can’t spend a lot of money now- I only have a little money. Yes, yes- I understand the importance of being frugal and living within your means, but he can go overboard at time. Roles can be reversed and I’d know the importance of saving here and there but I wouldn’t overkill like David.
The problem with complaining is that I often have nothing to retaliate my arguments. I guess in a sense- it’s just the degradation I feel when he can be cruel and dispassionate. His mannerism can turn to a jackass making me feel less than usual. A great majority of the time I just take it in and swallow with no intentions to fight back. Doing so would result in my emotional downfall leading to crying for endless hours but start off with a ridiculous fight. This fight would entail me to be a wuss saying why you’re not working, why little exercise does me no good and my low self-esteem can be another low blow to my overall weakness self. Asking for a couple dollars only ends up an angry shake of the head and endless continuation of me nagging for money. I try to avoid at all costs.
Contributing absolutely nothing to the household income has been the main strain in our relationship. I’m no good with money and he’s a financial genius. The idea alone that I’m not even self-dependent or not even self made give up my vulnerability as a weak mate and doing poorly in the U.S. marking world. My only source of money is a $100 month percapita check every month. I’m not going to a self-pity party here because I thought this all on to myself. I’m my own worst enemy. I search for my inner power all the time only becoming more cabin fevered and sheltered day in and day out. I grasp my weaknesses but never carry out strategies that would enable a self therapy of some sort.
Overall, I feel very powerless. I can’t fight for what I want or believe in, speak up to the world or hold my head high. Not saying I’m screaming for attention, but only proving a point and knowing all of the differences between right/wrong, yes/no, him/her. I don’t eat up being the center of attention, nor ever really did. I’d rather have a back ends view of everyone else then I’d step in or interrupt only when they’re incorrect, rude, impolite, mislead or even carrying on and repeating over and over.
Everyone’s entitled to an opinion also. In everyone’s mind their belief is their own. I have no energy to debate on certain issues that can be dragged out to layers and layers of nothingness. What comes out is only two sides of gibberish that stays gibberish. Men fancy this argumentative junk with welcome arms more than women. I don’t know though women are just as mean, feisty, nasty, backstabbing, catty, wicked and bitchy. The role of women is changing dramatically. Offices are flooded with women. County, city and even office type of governments are ran by women. I find it breathtaking but frightfully scary in many ways. Strangely, these seem to be a serious strain in the professional relationships among the internal environment itself. Where I’m going with all of this is tough competition, stressful workplace and difficult complexes.
Another side to a predominantly female is the compassion for parental needs to take day/afternoon off, togetherness of womanly brunches and strategic work methodologies different from males. What those differences may be depends on type of work: right now I’m just bitter because lots of other women have a job and not me. L That should be me being an asshole to everyone knowing I get a paycheck. But it’s not so I just vent out anger and frustration. Anyways, - Hahaha!! Men suck. They’re so childish and immature. They’re all the same. The straight ones anyways. Ok not all but a great 98% of them are just a joke to humankind. Thank gawd we can’t read other minds because I bet every woman would be upset and disgustingly angry by their innermost thoughts. Already as it is, women are reading men a lot more and as a result becoming much more independent. We don’t have to clean after their disgusting asses, put up with their childish mentality, play with their selfish games, listen to their BS, put up with their BS or drain all energies in a relationship not even worth working for. Historically, women have stayed home and watched the kids at home. This made the female counterparts weak and extremely reliable or dependent on the male species. Today, women can get a degree online, work days/got to school nights, live alone and also own a car/home. There’s a lot of possibilities.
It’s very interesting Kerry lost against President George W. Bush. The day of the presidential race was intense and very exciting. Kerry got key states with a lot of electoral votes but it just wasn’t enough at the very end to get 270. It was neck to neck 252 to 254 with Bush barely leading. So it was very close. I was disappointed because I felt Kerry would have done a good job. Great race to watch though.
We have Amy’s old white Subaru, our station wage old Subaru and the coolass Chevy truck. None of them have shit for a radio though. It sucks. My passion for music has existed for a really long time. It’s a huge chunk of my soul enlightenment. No tape/cd player in none of the cars is darkening and teeth shattering. Naturally, I’ll always love music which will continue to have me listen to music forever and ever.
I’ve never been a huge fan of live music or concerts though. I do see some thinking it was entertaining but there are very few. Now, there’s a reason for this. I just don’t do well in crowds, public get togethers or busy places. The more people the more insane I’d go. I get nervous, anxious to get away from everyone, inability to fit in or even wanting to fit in really, angry knowing many are rude, pollution will be inevitable. Knowing outhouses are flooded or that garbage cans are flooded with no recycling bins made available. Snobbery makes me angry to where people aim to outdo each other gets a little ridiculous. “What for” is going through in my mind. I’m no less/more than anyone else. Nor is everybody else. We’re all humans breathing the same air, all eating or coping with some sort of weak securities.
I sometimes feel a certain empowerment by being of Native American blood. An air of powerful peoples and strong culture of history. When I was younger I was ashamed. Ashamed because Indians were all drunks dressed in funny colored dressing having pow-wow parties all the time. Growing up in a predominantly white school kind of emphasized the shame. Through my cousins or wonderful friends I managed to survive the struggling strain of child/teenage school years. Without them I’d be a dropout not have been able to go nowhere. Therefore, I praise to have even known them. They stuck up for me when I was weak. They were my voice when I had no voice or fight.
Native Americans are seen as poor figures when you’re younger. Growing up and becoming more aware of what Native Americans brought to the U.S.A you proudly name your tribe. You get rights not shared with many other Americans. You’re privileged with opportunities beyond many out there that cry or bitch because of the things we get. You’re given a strong backbone of historical treasured beauty. Some would argue saying the Native Americans are poor drunkens. There are a great amount that seem to be suffering in poverty, low income homes and weak role models. They impact everyone else. Not directly but as the whole Native American tribe itself.
Much can be said through the historical viewpoint plus the many wonderful things offered by the people. I think I had this shame when I was younger because the teachings in history classes were shady. The coverage of the Native American history was displayed as the people being scavenging head scalpers or murderers. College emphasized the historical truths and struggles.
We were killed off by disease predominantly, we had to keep moving from land to land in order to not to get kicked off, had to sign false documents from government saying we’d get this or that, forcefully bullied to move off our own land, forced into religious beliefs, dishonored as a people and wrongfully took advantage of our overall weaknesses. To a huge degree, it has left us resentful and angry. We’re not going to lose sleep over it though. We’re going to strive to unite as a nation resolving tribal issues or coming together with social issues or political issues.

MOVING FROM EVERETT June 20, 2004

David just got back from the RV park after being gone 4 and a half days. I sure miss him when he’s gone. He had to go back because the rock crawling event was happening this last weekend. He picked up Duval and they probably had loads of fun. Man its getting hotter and hotter. Its only been like 110 degrees out. I always get dehydrated and hot out. Man I’m going to miss working at the window place. They had the coolest people over there I swear. They were all super nice and fun to be around. Well I wouldn’t say super nice but it was really cool being around nice and fun people there. I made only one cool friend there named Hussain. We went to McDonalds on our last day there. Julie went to graveyard shift so it wasn’t like I’d miss her that much. She was hella cool and funny there.
Soon we’re moving to Goldendale to space 54 at the RV park. The house went up in the market just last Thursday. We now have a sign in front and one couple that looked. I thought there would have been a lot more. Well this weekend anyways looking. Hopefully more will be looking. Uhh anyways we don’t even know what we’re going to be doing with Amy’s old car. It just gets weirder and weirder. I mean a lot has happened since I met David. I burnt the house, I ruined the red truck by hitting an elk, I got a huge gambling problem, I reunited with Lewis, had several shitty jobs and seen different things here and there happen to my family. Joe’s been in jail, Jamie broke up with Bo and is now with James, Anne went to--well wherever the three headed rock is, Beck stayed with me and David for a short while (met a dumb girl Amanda) but now has a girlfriend Amy who is really cool. Jaye and Angela managed the RV park...but now Jaye and David don’t like each other anymore. Angela left back to CA for about a year. Just yesterday she left. Duval kind of got worse with drinking. He was in the hospital for a minor heart attack. That was pretty scary. Jerry quit working at WA beef and is now working at the sawmill in White Swan. Braden found a girlfriend with a son who he really likes because she goes fishing and hunting with him which he loes. He’s also working at the sawmill. Oh and Jaye too. Mom is still with Mark after all these years. Which is pretty amazing. Oh yeah Beck wrecked the Prism and that was weird.

TALK OF CHILDREN, GAMBLING & WORK SUCKS 1-07-04 12:52 a.m.

It snowed hard here on Tuesday. David didn’t have to work this cold and breezy Tuesday afternoon. Right now there’s terrible ice rain coming down like cats and dogs. We’re looking for a new TV because the picture’s going out on our TV. We came home one night and the picture just faded. It really sucked because it was most likely from the fire. Stupid insurance guys a jerk. He told David to be careful cuz probably get stolen. I think he just put up a jinx on us--bastard.
I just took another period pill to help the swelling of my ovaries. For some reason it feels like I have to constantly pee. I sit on the toilet and a dribble of five drips bounce the toilet pool making a movie-esque drip drop sound. Thank God and the very find makers of my pms pills but also the mental agony of having to bitch about my pains until further prevention prevails. I’ve noticed that camping, cold weather and sleepovers at another house doesn’t blend well with my menstrual cycle. It’s very close to mixing cleaning products and Clorox- poisonous and very fatal! Not to say I will use my insanity to destruct or do damage.
I just want to clearly state that welcoming my God-given right as a woman is unpleasant and very extensive for me. Ever since this IUD was placed inside me-it’s just been struggle some. On a good note though, I haven’t had any children. Certainly wouldn’t want to bring a child in my state of mind and I ‘m not even prepared. Who is actually prepared though? I’m very much capable of having a child and giving him/her all the love in the world I can offer is good enough. I would just want to give them- well no I’m more than ready. I’m not making excuses at all. No really! Davids the one not ready and unwilling to make such a brave and bold step. He wants me financially stable before we have kids. I’ve just gone downhill these past few years.
I gamble like a compulsive addict, I quit jobs because the environments make me emotionally depressed, I live too far away from my family and miss them all the time, eat like a cow grazing, sleep too much, lost ambition to even write poetry on days or to even download music, don’t want to look for work, bitch cuz I’m lazy/scared/pathetic/ weak/ shy/ boring and so forth, have no real friends (practically), want to always open credit card accounts, don’t even write to anyone anymore and just overall lost with dragged on torment and shame. I have no one to blame but myself. I put myself in these situations and should have the capability to get myself out. I make it sound like I’m this complete and utter failure that is just giving up and puts up no effort at all. I’m not. I have many positive attributes to contribute to this simple world of ours. I shall overcome or slither around at leas, some of these lows by restructuring my attitudes towards myself and others. After all, I am my own monster who only scares my inner shadow of weaknesses.
Contemplating a complete change or turn around in life would only be running away. Not facing the core issues in my life would be part of the running away and the ignorance of what’s truly bothering me. Some things I could do is make a list of what I truly want vs. what makes me sad, what I should do today vs. what are some things unchangeable about myself, who do I enjoy being around vs. who don’t I like being around much, what attributes I like about me vs. ones I don’t like at all, what do you enjoy doing vs. what types of activities you dislike but do anyways just because (example: for boyfriend, family, friends) and so forth. These are all great starters of what I should be doing.
Carefully examining each and every one of them and then puzzling them all together is a key factor. What results are the upcoming solutions to this puzzle bringing all the pieces together. I like to carefully write down personality traits I desire in others because this is often a reflections of the person I strive to be or aim to be. My boyfriend clearly states this. The persons we aim to be are very much different from ourselves. Not necessarily, but his “hero” is someone I’d rather not be associated with. For relationships sake, I do so anyways to keep this “hero” state of mind strong and forth going.
I mean if David were to tell me he never wants to go see some my girlfriends I’d be enraged. Therefore, I must respect the wishes of keeping relationships with his influences. I actually try to shadow my own boyfriend because he’s such a unique person with his own gifted world of toughness that takes you by surprise. He makes you step back a step to ponder the impossible and lets you have faith or the possibility to imagine almost anything. He’s such a beautiful character who holds back no grudges or regrets. He only tries to make any negatives into positives with constant scenarios of what will make this or that work. I couldn’t imagine anyone with his bullheaded attitude or authoritative presence. I just adore him more than anything in the world and can’t imagine ever hurting him- EVER. I would just fall to the very bottom pit of the ocean and drown forever in my tears.
Behind this bullish man lies a gentle, caring, tender, sensitive, sweet and loving teddy bear. I just treasure his genuine good heart and blissful smile that forever make my days go peaceful and wonderfully. Thanks God and Cupid. My last intention in life is to intentionally drain another with my complications, downfalls or baggage. I know well enough what I’ve down wrong, what I need to change and reflections needing emphasis. I don’t need pity, a shoulder to cry on all the damn time or use a sob story to get something by manipulation. I’ve witnessed such pathetic displays and only thought one thing: weak, very ass weak. I have to also take the level of mentality of such deceptive behaviors. Not only those doing the behaviors but the suckers falling for such acts which only calls for repetitive actions. I’ve done both in the past but was well enough aware not to let it go overboard or continue for a very long time.

CAMPING, SCHOOL, DREAM, ETC. 3-12-2001

For the past two nights I have remembered my dreams and they’ve been rather interesting. I only remember bits and pieces of them though. Everything around here is going pretty good. Today, I bought a bookshelf for Beck because I wanted mine back. The room in here looks really organized. I’m still not working and I’ve made some attempts to find a pretty good job because I know babe won’t be able to pay the bills that much anymore. I know things are getting rough on him lately. I went camping last weekend with my family and it was wayyy fun. We just spent one night but that was good enough time to spend with my family. David sure loves my family also. He gets along with great and even has a certain kind of bond with them. Tomorrow I have my final for class and I haven’t even studied for it. I don’t care. My idea is that I’m a pretty good writer and I could figure out some techniques and ideas to use. I don’t know how she graded my papers so I don’t know how she’ll grade me in my final. Then some students and I were meeting for our accounting class to study for that final on Wednesday. It proved rather helpful and I learned that they are pretty interesting in their own little ways. Man the room looks so nice way organized and stuff. This just makes me want to do some of my magazine collages and stuff. Well doing all of this actually makes me want to study for my final and just focus on that really. Math for me is SOOO hard. I’m happy with my checkbook skills and that calls it good for me. Other than that, it’s a complete mess and totally a job and a half for me to figure it out.
About my dream. The first one I had I (someone was with me driving the boat moving around) was watching some people (maybe even some families) in the water and a lot of their stuff was falling out like bookshelves into the water and I was thinking all of their stuff is falling how awful. All I could remember is their books and bookshelves were falling out. Then in the same dream there was like this apartment place where it was pretty old and I was there. I think we (still don’t know who was there) were stuck out and we had to figure out a way to get in. All I remember is me looking up at the apartment that seemed like two story ups and something falling on my head. There seems to be nothing of significance in this dream really. Maybe it was saying I sometimes throw my knowledge down the drain and I should use it up to my most potential or something like that.
The second dream was more of a fear type of dream. It about David having and affair with Rick’s wife (the electrician guy). It was during New Year’s Eve he had time to have a “sexual encounter” with this woman. He plain out told me he had an affair with her and it seemed like he wanted me to know like out of cold reason first. Then later in the dream he felt really sorry for doing it. I remember feeling real love for him at first and I forgave him. But then all of a sudden my feelings changed towards hurt, anger and even not trusting him anymore. I no longer seen him as this sweet innocent guy who was funny and adorable...but someone who was a liar and not trustful anymore. I know in the dream I would have just left him. Actually, I think I did leave him in the dream because I was at my mom’s house. It seemed like after he told me I was asking a million questions about his escapade and asking why and stuff like that. It even felt like I was guilty...as if I did something wrong or something like that. I know that I didn’t tolerate it and just left him.
Often, I have dreams where I fear David leaving me for another. I always see him as being this mack daddy who will just leave me for someone else. I sometimes have thoughts in my head where he’ll find a great looking woman that he finds mutually attractive and he keeps their relationship secret for awhile then all of a sudden he springs it up that he loves her and wants me to leave.
Knowing David, he is not that type of person. He is the most warming and care giving person in the entire male species (with my brothers following behind of course). He is gentle to my needs, wants and all of my pleasures. He has made me the happiest woman in the whole wide world. I swear there is an angel out there who brought him to my heart and I thank them everyday. We’re just so great together and I would never do anything to mess up what we have. I love him very much and he loves me just as much also.
Well, things for my walking needs to change. I hope when my sister Anne moves over she will go walking and jogging with me every once in awhile. I really want David to hold me as a moderately thin woman. I mean I don’t want him to hold the 200 pound woman like I am all the time. I want him to see me and think I’ll always be the most beautiful thing to him always. Plus, I have less headaches, feel more confident in what I do, clothes feel nicer and the overall feeling of bettering myself. So, I need to really get on the ball and eat better, drink better fluids and exercise my fatass. This low self-esteem, always being tired pathetic self me just can’t last forever!!!
I sure need to write to my friends and family after my finals are over. Right after that I start school in like a freakin week. Oh my how time goes by. Soon I’ll be walking down the aisle with my masters and strutting my stuff. I sure like the first quarter I had instead of the second one. I think sometimes I really want to do good and when I know I put all I could into something then I just say I did my best and just accept the fate of whatever the outcome was (accounting class!!). Most people could spend so many hours doing their homework when I just put it off till the last time (big mistake) and often don’t care. To a certain extent I care VERY much, but there are times when I say it’s just not worth it(the time consumption, putting off other things). Towards the end getting your certificate though you think damn this was hard work.
Well Beck seems okay. She seems more cheery and stuff. We had a small fight today where I asked her (bugged her really) if she could vacuum the stairs. She was all mumbling and saying yes. Not knowing she was saying yes, I kept asking over and over. She got all pissed and said yes...I’ll fucking do it....you know I always will with you bothering me. Please, I couldn't even hear her mumbling ass in the first place. Kids....I swear. Sometimes I wonder about what she is feeling. Is she happy? bored? sad? lonely? depressed? confused? Her modes of expression are sometimes difficult for me to pick up on. She does express her feelings though and how she feels. I don’t know how well I give feedback though. I have thought about that many times. Does she know I do listen to her? Does she know I try my best to give feedback and try not to interrupt or change the subject? I mean I often wonder about these things. It concerns me.

STRESSED AND MEN December 11, 2000

Today is the first day I have written on my computer journal. if everything goes great I plan to write in it more. Things are going pretty good for me. Sort of. I’m going through that stage where I need to look for another job, create a house of my own (where David will love it and want to live with me), get a truck and make a family (preferably four kids).
My low expectations of doing things are not going so great. I don’t go out and look for jobs because I really hate it. The point of getting rejected, going through those pathetic and lame interviews (this is the point where I think I really get out on most of the jobs) and the whole having to please some company and having to work for them sucks. Unfortunately, you have to work everyday or most of your life in order to 1. pay the bills 2. buy some relaxing things that you enjoy (things listed above and clothes, cd’s and magazines), 3. so you can mature with time and realize that working is a valuable asset to your personal life 4. realizing the fact that some things in life are not free. I have tooken these into consideration. Yes, I seriously want a job and would love to have it where I love waking up and enjoy what I do. A huge amount of people are unsatisfied with their work but face the fact that work is important to support kids, pay the bills. live and move on in stages of life. I never really thought about this but you have to work a great amount of your life. It does take a big chunk out of your day: getting ready for work, the commute to and from work, actually time working and some work you have to do outside of your office (sometimes some people do this...why? they’re insane!) I pray I find something very fond in life then integrate it at my future work. At this time I’m going to have to say I am working on finishing one college class and going to then focus on looking for a steady paying job.
I realized that my personal relationships (besides David) are pretty much limited to nothing. I don’t know if it’s because I chose it or I ignore the fact that I don’t spend some quality time with my outer friends or family much. A greater part of my family and friends living far away from me does take a lot of time away from them. I have gotten some discretion about taking this time away like: you haven’t emailed me much, you haven’t talked to me in a long time...what's the matter?, I haven’t gotten a card from you in a long time...why? and stuff like that. It does upset me. I’ve been spending most of my time on doing a lot of homework and haven’t been really focusing on outer spaces of my social life. My time schedule is pretty much fucked up and needs a lot of rearranging. Often, I can find myself wandering in some time zone where I’ll just look at something for a long amount of time wasting many minutes. Or I could be shopping and lose track of time and not even care because I’m having a great time (this one is no biggie though...I LOVE IT!!). These things I need to sort of stray from because of the danger factors behind them. Those being: you’re losing quality time doing nothing, spending time on this when you should be doing that or taking away from some valuable social time with others. Hopefully I’ll be able to do this---where I focus on my time schedule more carefully.
I really love and care for David with all my heart but sometimes he can be really irritable and a pain in the ass. He sort of reminds me of my brother Braden where he can be such a huge teddy bear and then just be a big goofy ass sometimes. Not like this is horribly soaring on me or anything but it could be difficult in some communication areas. I sometimes forget that he is everything I wanted in a guy. I mean I asked (from the cupid person themselves) what I wanted in a guy...from a-z and basically got what I wanted. I wanted him to be really cute (gorgeous blue eyes, great ass and wonderful smile) a jean and t-shirt guy, have no kids, have a good paying job, have a nice place to live (that don’t smell or look nasty looking and in a nice area), have some kind of means of transportation, be really nice (I’m not into asshole men who think they’re the shit) and have some of the other common things I love in a guy. He often lacks some common sense kind of things that I really love but all around he’s an A+. For example, he doesn’t buy me cards, write me love notes, give me some things just out of the ordinary because he loves me. I often think that sometimes his monetary persuasion can get confusing with personal relationship love. There are some people who buy love with the money they have and buy people for things. I sometimes think David has this way of thinking and it could be upsetting at times. For example, we were at the casino and there were 2 times when he was sitting by two pretty women at different times. I think to show the power in him, he showed those women how much money he had and kept spending it and spending it playing blackjack. He even gave one of the women a few dollars right in front of me. In my mind (yes my very pathetic mind) it was like he wanted this very much so. He said he wanted me there but deep down he didn’t want me there at all. These women (one blond had her leg right up to David and the other some smallass Asian women who looked like a little girl) were obviously very attractive. What hurt me was that he ignored me practically and just didn’t want me there. The thing that hurt me most was him giving the asian girl some money. Why it upsetted me so much is beyond my own thinking. I do have some possible reasons why: he wanted me away from him so he could mack, he kept spending money like a drunken fool, his obvious love to flirt and their company instead of mine, his general fondness towards the asian girl and then giving her money(who was pretty cool though), we were supposed to have quality time with each other and what we both like and not just what he likes, his willingness to bend backwards for either of those women (just like when he first met me...:( or when we were first went out together) and the fact that when I asked for five bucks he rejected me and told me to just sit by him and wait. Knowing I would just leave, he just didn’t give me money (but would give cute asian girl 3 bucks whole -heartily). Then I spend eighty dollars more just because of his obvious rejection and could have gotten some more gifts instead. Actually my first intention was to spend only 40 bucks. The other 40 was waiting for David then I waited too long and got pissed and wasted it on the machines. It did hurt me a lot. I have come to an understanding that David was just having fun. The whole thing does have some ridiculous points to it. But from a woman's perspective, they probably have gone through this many times. Their obvious rejection in doing or saying anything only makes them die inside more. Not like I bitch all the time and make a hate list of what David does. I just try to communicate my issues and hopefully he gives me the feedback I want to hear (it often helps when I tell him what I hear instead of having him guess). They could just guess for like a minute and then easily give up. So going down that route generally doesn’t work. Hopefully I’ll become stronger and more understandable of relationships. Right now I’m just insanely jealous and have a very poor attitude towards David looking at other women. Actually, ok yeah I am jealous. The whole night (the night at the casino) I had a positive attitude and didn’t care if David looked at other women. David not wanting to spend time with me and flirting really bad with the other women and having them sit right by them and touching each other is where I draw the line. Next thing I’m at the slot machines and they’re switching telephone numbers, getting a quickie in her car or something like that (yes beyond exaggeration but hey). I also had this thing where he paid women for sex and that really didn’t go into my head as much as the other things I said. But the whole giving money to the Asian girl hurt me (yes I’ll dwell...it’s my damn journal). I told him and all he did was tell me to shut up. That really wasn’t what I was looking for. I was looking for an apology and that he didn’t mean to do what he was doing and sorry jenna...didn’t know that hurt you jenna kinda thing. Instead, he took the route of making himself feel better because he was getting the attention of those women and didn’t care to hear what I said because he was having fun. Trying to communicate this to him only gets worse. Today, I didn’t want to talk to him because I told him how giving the women money hurt my feelings. This is when he told me to shut up (like I am some fukking white trash bitch who don’t care). The rest of the ride home I ignored his dickheaded comment. When he got home he goes. “so is this where you’re not going to talk to me anymore? (I said nothing...very obvious yes...meanwhile trying to open the door and very cold) fine...just go to your room and lie down like you always do”. For future reference, I’ve found that going to the computer room and writing a poem is just as effective. In most cases, I would go and lie down in my room and cry for hours because my feelings have been hurt. This time I went to my room and just wrote a poem. Later on, we were talking again when he asked me if I wanted to help him clean the shed. I did (giving into my weaknesses and not saying no). Then we had a cheeseburger and watched TV for the rest of the night.
Most of the time, I feel like I’m constantly being a wuss and have to stick up more for myself and not give in so much. To some degree though, I feel like I don’t have to put up with shit (or feel like it in my head really) and don’t want anyone to stomp on my feelings or tell me what to do. A gal has got to have some independence and live free as she does so (with the obvious degrees of how you live of course and how you’re living with others...respect wise).
i hate school. i hate doing homework and it sucks big time. i wish i could just hire someone to hire to do all my damn homework i swear. i just think everything sucks big time. well just the school work. it just sucks the time you have to put into it to have a good paper. im taking the summer off. if i get money im going to give it back to whoever gave it to me and say no thanks i don't want to go this summer.
david is all being loud and braden came over from yakima and wanted to spend a week over here. which is going to be pretty cool. oh braden went to sleep and david has a loud voice and is talking left and right like there is no tomorrow about his baseball cards.
jaye and david went to the mariners game tonight and they won. they are doing damn good because of their excellent pitching. well and they got edgar, ichiro, olerud, cameron, and some other damn good players. jaye and his gf went back to yakima. she wanted to go home because she was ssoooooooooooo concerned about that furry thing with four legs she calls a cat. i would loovvvvvvvee cats if the damn things didn't poop so much. oh back to the baseball thing. jaye got david obcessed with buying baseball cards so he could get these cards inside where on one card its called a sluggers card and you get a chance to win a trip to the all star game in seattle. what you do with the code on the card is go on the internet and then enter the code and it gives you three nine choices of players and then you have to chose only three of the nine. when trying to select the players you try to have players who have the most homeruns, singles, double, triples, base on balls and stuff like that. so basically get three players who have a lot of points racked up. and then there are weekly prizes given every week. they have till like may 25th and then it's over. no more buying cards like crazy...man i swear he spent like a gajillion dollars already trying to get the "perfect" team. oh well. he's been having a lot of fun and keeping him real busy.
i had a cool mothers day weekend. it was fun. i went home. went into the mountains and was with chico his gf and their little baby, duval and braden. it was fun. and then on mothers day we were all at the house and we all gave mom some gifts and ate cake and ice cream. oh and we went fishing at some lake. david was all excited. he didn't catch but a little fish...it was adorable. jerry and braden caught like a nine inch fish...it was cute seeing them all fish. even my mom fished a little but she didn't get anything. i just sat back and relaxed.

COMPLAINING AT WORK October 21, 2000

Moved into new house. I am at work and I’d rather be somewhere else than here. People being denied writing checks can be ignorant dumbasses. I need to be more open about being friendly with people. My throat is killing me and I feel tired. I want Sundays off. That should be my “rest” and sit back day. I think I’ll tell David I want to quit my job. Well I think I’m a bigass fib liar who will never quit. I‘m not a quitter that’s why. I want my paycheck and the luxuries that come behind those hard hours of work and those “hell” J drives going to and from work.
This job can be pretty shitty because the customers don’t want to take time to care why they were declined. I think they’re all idiots. Ok no-- I guess if I was declined then I would be upset but would at least asked possible questions at what’s going on or what circumstances let me be declined. Or maybe I would go insane not even understanding the process of the whole check processes and stuff. I keep writing in here like a big weirdo. I have nothing in particular to say. I’m just saying whatever goes through my head.
I should be seeing if I have homework. Wait I can’t…I don’t even have my books here so never mind. I find it way interesting that some people could hold conversations with someone either in their head or with just themselves. For me, I talk to myself but its like a self therapy kind of thing. I also like to play like I’m some mental head. That “special” kind of attention is fun. Its almost lunch. I think I’ll drive to the store and get some grub. Oh and see if they have any CD’s so I can listen to it on the way home. Man I feel this obsession to buy a lot of CD’s. I bought $55 bucks worth and 2 of them suck. I really don’t like buying many CD’s- I prefer recording songs on the radio.