For the past two nights I have remembered my dreams and they’ve been rather interesting. I only remember bits and pieces of them though. Everything around here is going pretty good. Today, I bought a bookshelf for Beck because I wanted mine back. The room in here looks really organized. I’m still not working and I’ve made some attempts to find a pretty good job because I know babe won’t be able to pay the bills that much anymore. I know things are getting rough on him lately. I went camping last weekend with my family and it was wayyy fun. We just spent one night but that was good enough time to spend with my family. David sure loves my family also. He gets along with great and even has a certain kind of bond with them. Tomorrow I have my final for class and I haven’t even studied for it. I don’t care. My idea is that I’m a pretty good writer and I could figure out some techniques and ideas to use. I don’t know how she graded my papers so I don’t know how she’ll grade me in my final. Then some students and I were meeting for our accounting class to study for that final on Wednesday. It proved rather helpful and I learned that they are pretty interesting in their own little ways. Man the room looks so nice way organized and stuff. This just makes me want to do some of my magazine collages and stuff. Well doing all of this actually makes me want to study for my final and just focus on that really. Math for me is SOOO hard. I’m happy with my checkbook skills and that calls it good for me. Other than that, it’s a complete mess and totally a job and a half for me to figure it out.
About my dream. The first one I had I (someone was with me driving the boat moving around) was watching some people (maybe even some families) in the water and a lot of their stuff was falling out like bookshelves into the water and I was thinking all of their stuff is falling how awful. All I could remember is their books and bookshelves were falling out. Then in the same dream there was like this apartment place where it was pretty old and I was there. I think we (still don’t know who was there) were stuck out and we had to figure out a way to get in. All I remember is me looking up at the apartment that seemed like two story ups and something falling on my head. There seems to be nothing of significance in this dream really. Maybe it was saying I sometimes throw my knowledge down the drain and I should use it up to my most potential or something like that.
The second dream was more of a fear type of dream. It about David having and affair with Rick’s wife (the electrician guy). It was during New Year’s Eve he had time to have a “sexual encounter” with this woman. He plain out told me he had an affair with her and it seemed like he wanted me to know like out of cold reason first. Then later in the dream he felt really sorry for doing it. I remember feeling real love for him at first and I forgave him. But then all of a sudden my feelings changed towards hurt, anger and even not trusting him anymore. I no longer seen him as this sweet innocent guy who was funny and adorable...but someone who was a liar and not trustful anymore. I know in the dream I would have just left him. Actually, I think I did leave him in the dream because I was at my mom’s house. It seemed like after he told me I was asking a million questions about his escapade and asking why and stuff like that. It even felt like I was guilty...as if I did something wrong or something like that. I know that I didn’t tolerate it and just left him.
Often, I have dreams where I fear David leaving me for another. I always see him as being this mack daddy who will just leave me for someone else. I sometimes have thoughts in my head where he’ll find a great looking woman that he finds mutually attractive and he keeps their relationship secret for awhile then all of a sudden he springs it up that he loves her and wants me to leave.
Knowing David, he is not that type of person. He is the most warming and care giving person in the entire male species (with my brothers following behind of course). He is gentle to my needs, wants and all of my pleasures. He has made me the happiest woman in the whole wide world. I swear there is an angel out there who brought him to my heart and I thank them everyday. We’re just so great together and I would never do anything to mess up what we have. I love him very much and he loves me just as much also.
Well, things for my walking needs to change. I hope when my sister Anne moves over she will go walking and jogging with me every once in awhile. I really want David to hold me as a moderately thin woman. I mean I don’t want him to hold the 200 pound woman like I am all the time. I want him to see me and think I’ll always be the most beautiful thing to him always. Plus, I have less headaches, feel more confident in what I do, clothes feel nicer and the overall feeling of bettering myself. So, I need to really get on the ball and eat better, drink better fluids and exercise my fatass. This low self-esteem, always being tired pathetic self me just can’t last forever!!!
I sure need to write to my friends and family after my finals are over. Right after that I start school in like a freakin week. Oh my how time goes by. Soon I’ll be walking down the aisle with my masters and strutting my stuff. I sure like the first quarter I had instead of the second one. I think sometimes I really want to do good and when I know I put all I could into something then I just say I did my best and just accept the fate of whatever the outcome was (accounting class!!). Most people could spend so many hours doing their homework when I just put it off till the last time (big mistake) and often don’t care. To a certain extent I care VERY much, but there are times when I say it’s just not worth it(the time consumption, putting off other things). Towards the end getting your certificate though you think damn this was hard work.
Well Beck seems okay. She seems more cheery and stuff. We had a small fight today where I asked her (bugged her really) if she could vacuum the stairs. She was all mumbling and saying yes. Not knowing she was saying yes, I kept asking over and over. She got all pissed and said yes...I’ll fucking do it....you know I always will with you bothering me. Please, I couldn't even hear her mumbling ass in the first place. Kids....I swear. Sometimes I wonder about what she is feeling. Is she happy? bored? sad? lonely? depressed? confused? Her modes of expression are sometimes difficult for me to pick up on. She does express her feelings though and how she feels. I don’t know how well I give feedback though. I have thought about that many times. Does she know I do listen to her? Does she know I try my best to give feedback and try not to interrupt or change the subject? I mean I often wonder about these things. It concerns me.
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