Today is the first day I have written on my computer journal. if everything goes great I plan to write in it more. Things are going pretty good for me. Sort of. I’m going through that stage where I need to look for another job, create a house of my own (where David will love it and want to live with me), get a truck and make a family (preferably four kids).
My low expectations of doing things are not going so great. I don’t go out and look for jobs because I really hate it. The point of getting rejected, going through those pathetic and lame interviews (this is the point where I think I really get out on most of the jobs) and the whole having to please some company and having to work for them sucks. Unfortunately, you have to work everyday or most of your life in order to 1. pay the bills 2. buy some relaxing things that you enjoy (things listed above and clothes, cd’s and magazines), 3. so you can mature with time and realize that working is a valuable asset to your personal life 4. realizing the fact that some things in life are not free. I have tooken these into consideration. Yes, I seriously want a job and would love to have it where I love waking up and enjoy what I do. A huge amount of people are unsatisfied with their work but face the fact that work is important to support kids, pay the bills. live and move on in stages of life. I never really thought about this but you have to work a great amount of your life. It does take a big chunk out of your day: getting ready for work, the commute to and from work, actually time working and some work you have to do outside of your office (sometimes some people do this...why? they’re insane!) I pray I find something very fond in life then integrate it at my future work. At this time I’m going to have to say I am working on finishing one college class and going to then focus on looking for a steady paying job.
I realized that my personal relationships (besides David) are pretty much limited to nothing. I don’t know if it’s because I chose it or I ignore the fact that I don’t spend some quality time with my outer friends or family much. A greater part of my family and friends living far away from me does take a lot of time away from them. I have gotten some discretion about taking this time away like: you haven’t emailed me much, you haven’t talked to me in a long time...what's the matter?, I haven’t gotten a card from you in a long time...why? and stuff like that. It does upset me. I’ve been spending most of my time on doing a lot of homework and haven’t been really focusing on outer spaces of my social life. My time schedule is pretty much fucked up and needs a lot of rearranging. Often, I can find myself wandering in some time zone where I’ll just look at something for a long amount of time wasting many minutes. Or I could be shopping and lose track of time and not even care because I’m having a great time (this one is no biggie though...I LOVE IT!!). These things I need to sort of stray from because of the danger factors behind them. Those being: you’re losing quality time doing nothing, spending time on this when you should be doing that or taking away from some valuable social time with others. Hopefully I’ll be able to do this---where I focus on my time schedule more carefully.
I really love and care for David with all my heart but sometimes he can be really irritable and a pain in the ass. He sort of reminds me of my brother Braden where he can be such a huge teddy bear and then just be a big goofy ass sometimes. Not like this is horribly soaring on me or anything but it could be difficult in some communication areas. I sometimes forget that he is everything I wanted in a guy. I mean I asked (from the cupid person themselves) what I wanted in a guy...from a-z and basically got what I wanted. I wanted him to be really cute (gorgeous blue eyes, great ass and wonderful smile) a jean and t-shirt guy, have no kids, have a good paying job, have a nice place to live (that don’t smell or look nasty looking and in a nice area), have some kind of means of transportation, be really nice (I’m not into asshole men who think they’re the shit) and have some of the other common things I love in a guy. He often lacks some common sense kind of things that I really love but all around he’s an A+. For example, he doesn’t buy me cards, write me love notes, give me some things just out of the ordinary because he loves me. I often think that sometimes his monetary persuasion can get confusing with personal relationship love. There are some people who buy love with the money they have and buy people for things. I sometimes think David has this way of thinking and it could be upsetting at times. For example, we were at the casino and there were 2 times when he was sitting by two pretty women at different times. I think to show the power in him, he showed those women how much money he had and kept spending it and spending it playing blackjack. He even gave one of the women a few dollars right in front of me. In my mind (yes my very pathetic mind) it was like he wanted this very much so. He said he wanted me there but deep down he didn’t want me there at all. These women (one blond had her leg right up to David and the other some smallass Asian women who looked like a little girl) were obviously very attractive. What hurt me was that he ignored me practically and just didn’t want me there. The thing that hurt me most was him giving the asian girl some money. Why it upsetted me so much is beyond my own thinking. I do have some possible reasons why: he wanted me away from him so he could mack, he kept spending money like a drunken fool, his obvious love to flirt and their company instead of mine, his general fondness towards the asian girl and then giving her money(who was pretty cool though), we were supposed to have quality time with each other and what we both like and not just what he likes, his willingness to bend backwards for either of those women (just like when he first met me...:( or when we were first went out together) and the fact that when I asked for five bucks he rejected me and told me to just sit by him and wait. Knowing I would just leave, he just didn’t give me money (but would give cute asian girl 3 bucks whole -heartily). Then I spend eighty dollars more just because of his obvious rejection and could have gotten some more gifts instead. Actually my first intention was to spend only 40 bucks. The other 40 was waiting for David then I waited too long and got pissed and wasted it on the machines. It did hurt me a lot. I have come to an understanding that David was just having fun. The whole thing does have some ridiculous points to it. But from a woman's perspective, they probably have gone through this many times. Their obvious rejection in doing or saying anything only makes them die inside more. Not like I bitch all the time and make a hate list of what David does. I just try to communicate my issues and hopefully he gives me the feedback I want to hear (it often helps when I tell him what I hear instead of having him guess). They could just guess for like a minute and then easily give up. So going down that route generally doesn’t work. Hopefully I’ll become stronger and more understandable of relationships. Right now I’m just insanely jealous and have a very poor attitude towards David looking at other women. Actually, ok yeah I am jealous. The whole night (the night at the casino) I had a positive attitude and didn’t care if David looked at other women. David not wanting to spend time with me and flirting really bad with the other women and having them sit right by them and touching each other is where I draw the line. Next thing I’m at the slot machines and they’re switching telephone numbers, getting a quickie in her car or something like that (yes beyond exaggeration but hey). I also had this thing where he paid women for sex and that really didn’t go into my head as much as the other things I said. But the whole giving money to the Asian girl hurt me (yes I’ll dwell...it’s my damn journal). I told him and all he did was tell me to shut up. That really wasn’t what I was looking for. I was looking for an apology and that he didn’t mean to do what he was doing and sorry jenna...didn’t know that hurt you jenna kinda thing. Instead, he took the route of making himself feel better because he was getting the attention of those women and didn’t care to hear what I said because he was having fun. Trying to communicate this to him only gets worse. Today, I didn’t want to talk to him because I told him how giving the women money hurt my feelings. This is when he told me to shut up (like I am some fukking white trash bitch who don’t care). The rest of the ride home I ignored his dickheaded comment. When he got home he goes. “so is this where you’re not going to talk to me anymore? (I said nothing...very obvious yes...meanwhile trying to open the door and very cold) fine...just go to your room and lie down like you always do”. For future reference, I’ve found that going to the computer room and writing a poem is just as effective. In most cases, I would go and lie down in my room and cry for hours because my feelings have been hurt. This time I went to my room and just wrote a poem. Later on, we were talking again when he asked me if I wanted to help him clean the shed. I did (giving into my weaknesses and not saying no). Then we had a cheeseburger and watched TV for the rest of the night.
Most of the time, I feel like I’m constantly being a wuss and have to stick up more for myself and not give in so much. To some degree though, I feel like I don’t have to put up with shit (or feel like it in my head really) and don’t want anyone to stomp on my feelings or tell me what to do. A gal has got to have some independence and live free as she does so (with the obvious degrees of how you live of course and how you’re living with others...respect wise).
i hate school. i hate doing homework and it sucks big time. i wish i could just hire someone to hire to do all my damn homework i swear. i just think everything sucks big time. well just the school work. it just sucks the time you have to put into it to have a good paper. im taking the summer off. if i get money im going to give it back to whoever gave it to me and say no thanks i don't want to go this summer.
david is all being loud and braden came over from yakima and wanted to spend a week over here. which is going to be pretty cool. oh braden went to sleep and david has a loud voice and is talking left and right like there is no tomorrow about his baseball cards.
jaye and david went to the mariners game tonight and they won. they are doing damn good because of their excellent pitching. well and they got edgar, ichiro, olerud, cameron, and some other damn good players. jaye and his gf went back to yakima. she wanted to go home because she was ssoooooooooooo concerned about that furry thing with four legs she calls a cat. i would loovvvvvvvee cats if the damn things didn't poop so much. oh back to the baseball thing. jaye got david obcessed with buying baseball cards so he could get these cards inside where on one card its called a sluggers card and you get a chance to win a trip to the all star game in seattle. what you do with the code on the card is go on the internet and then enter the code and it gives you three nine choices of players and then you have to chose only three of the nine. when trying to select the players you try to have players who have the most homeruns, singles, double, triples, base on balls and stuff like that. so basically get three players who have a lot of points racked up. and then there are weekly prizes given every week. they have till like may 25th and then it's over. no more buying cards like crazy...man i swear he spent like a gajillion dollars already trying to get the "perfect" team. oh well. he's been having a lot of fun and keeping him real busy.
i had a cool mothers day weekend. it was fun. i went home. went into the mountains and was with chico his gf and their little baby, duval and braden. it was fun. and then on mothers day we were all at the house and we all gave mom some gifts and ate cake and ice cream. oh and we went fishing at some lake. david was all excited. he didn't catch but a little fish...it was adorable. jerry and braden caught like a nine inch fish...it was cute seeing them all fish. even my mom fished a little but she didn't get anything. i just sat back and relaxed.
No comments:
Post a Comment