HOW DO YOU HONESTLY PERCEIVE YOURSELF? June 21, 2005

Well I see myself as quite the non-socialist type. I’m not much of a talker and get on the phone talk for hours type. I can and have in the past. Its just that lately I don’t want to depress anyone with my annoying/depressing stories. Anyways, I believe myself to be somewhat friendly and easy to get along with. I tend to bitch and whine to get something I want. I find this strategy quite useful. It can be rather manipulative too. I’m not much of a go out and meet type of person. Getting to know everyone isn’t my cup of tea. I’d rather focus on those I love and know now. I think that’s more important. I don’t need an abundance of so called friends to make myself feel better. I read people well. I know when one has common sense, no common sense, been hurt, stress in their life, down in the dumps or genuinely happy. Often I’m blind to other people as well. I’m not perfect. I said some people- not everyone. Sometimes people are real mysterious. Oops, I forgot to finish. I’m very insecure. I try not to show this but it comes out very obvious probably. I do enjoy being around others if they have common and logical sense. Otherwise, it’s very straining on me to be around them. I just get real annoyed, agitated, disturbed and frustrated. Being the lady I am, I don’t show this because its rude. Deep down though I make up excuses to leave social situations all the damn time. It’s very mean, silly and ridiculous. Don’t get me wrong, I am a likeable person- its just that I’m so particular about friends- and meeting new people. Oh hell, I don’t know. I guess I’m just too damn bitchy and judgmental I guess. Now, when I first see someone I like to imagine them as a genuinely good person or possessing some aspects at least. Now, when I get to know them better I sense that their puzzle is missing some pieces. Its ignorance really- most people don’t know better because they were never really taught. With all this said- I see myself as an over thinker who thinks too damn much. Its an illness really. Actually, its not just me. Americans obsess about looks, personalities and characters. So you can’t say I’m alone on this. Shit, where am I going with this? Hmm…okay I guess I’m just trying to say that I judge too quickly, judge books by their cover, over analyze others too much, think the worst about others and really impatient. I was raised better than to just automatically judge. I’ve just matched certain people with certain characteristics. Oh you could call it a way generalized stereotyping too. Now, that isn’t any better. Its like saying all Indians are gay. I guess you could say I know from certain physical features what some people are possible like or will be like. That’s just a generalization now. This is how I perceive SOME, not ALL people. Damn, give me a break. I always just assume. I was once told to never assume anything. Not like I’m alone here. Everyone has their own click/thing of how they read/see other people. Gawd, now my perception of myself seems rather selfish. I’m not that way at all. You treat me with respect then I’ll do the same. It’s rare that people are idiots- so basically out of six billion- most of them are okay. Overall, I’d say I’m cute, cuddly- not, I’m boring, no I’m plane Jane same as everyone else. No less, no better. I want a career, money, marriage, home and be happy. Also, I’d like to be superass passionate in making money and give back to the community and the world.

YARD SALES, TREATING YOURSELF AND GETTING TEST RESULTS June 20, 2005 (Monday Evening)

I went to my mammogram this last Friday and decided to stay at moms. I went to a couple yard sales and had a blast. I got me a bunch of white tee shirts. I was just thinking I need some new t-shirts because mine all suck. I was going to get some shorts but they didn’t’ have any really. Joe cleaned Braden and Duvals yard over there and got really tanned. Me and mom got him a 44 oz soda at the store. It was bloody ass hot today. Got up to 80-85 degrees. I sleep on the couch and its not too bad really. The dogs make me feel pretty protected and I like it a lot better that Marks no longer around. Overall, its not too bad really. I’ve been keeping the fan on because it gets too damn warm. My appointment about my results is tomorrow- I have to admit I’m rather scared to see the results. Who knows what’s going to happen next. I forgot about the tribal cancer walk I think. Oh well- it was going on the same time as Braden jr s birth. Oh yeah- I’m an aunt now. Born on June 18, 2005 at 12: 30 p.m. in the afternoon pm Saturday- a day before fathers day. The whole family is superass excited. I drove mom to her doctors appointment today. She had to get a bone scan. We ate in the hospital cafeteria- we had broccoli soup and water. I kind of miss babe- I think he’s a 1000 times more positive than me. I think I’m just a negative freak that has a soar attitude about life I swear. it’s the exact reason I got cancer- I’m just so negative and optimistic about life in general. I think psychiatry wouldn’t help me very much. I’m only putting doubt in the doctor helping me in the first place- hence, the negative outlook on life attitude. I know why- I don’t exercise releasing the bad antioxidants out of the body- cleansing it from bad stuff all over. Who the hell knows. Anyways, there was a butt load of people at the hospital today. Oh earlier there was hardly anyone but around 1:00 it got jam packed and full. Its rather scary (dramatic) to think that many were there. You’d like to think its for babies born mostly but realistically there’s everything there. These bodies we borrow for short time are a force to be reckoned with I swear. You’re like your own car really. You have to make sure you keep yourself tuned up all the time. You got to feed yourself, bathe yourself, cut your nails, treat yourself, enjoy yourself, tone yourself by exercising and eating right. With so much writing about diseases you don’t know what to believe really. According to what’s written really- you’ll have to live in a damn bubble to live a healthy full life. Who knows. We do need to take care of what we got- physically, mentally, spiritually and realistically. I feel rather find with everything lately. I mean I’m going to be turning 31 and I’ll have to admit that I’m okay with my life so far. I guess you can say I have accomplished almost everything I’ve ever wanted to. No real complaints really. I don’t’ know what shall be my next real goal/stair to climb. I’m pretty unsure of that department. I should make some realistic goals/things I’d like to do and stuff I’d like that and check them off when I’m doing them. Oh I got to eat some rainier and purple cherries here at moms. So delicious and divine those cherries are. Braden seems so happy to have his kid- its so cool to see him so happy with this kid. Oh yeah I got that black oil stuff on the white Subaru. David’s going to be so pissed. I don’t know what to wash it off with. I have to admit that I did try to avoid it. Great I’m not asleep yet. I should get some sleep. I feel like something’s crawling all over me. Like when I had fleas- it’s a very unpleasant and uncomfortable feeling. I can’t really get some shuteye with this feeling really. Betty, bobby and jack all went to bathroom…I think they had to pee. I think it’s a lot cooler now that mom opened the window. I’m not to drama hot anymore. Way cool.

WHEN IT COMES TO SMELL- WHAT DO YOU THINK? May 19, 2005

Ever since I can remember I’ve always had a very sensitive smelling sense. I’ve always been sensitive about smelling something terrible. I like sweet, pleasant, nice smells. Or nothingness is nice too. When there’s a foul odor I go absolutely insane until I fix that certain smell. I got rid of the best cat I ever had because the litter smell was just too strong for me. Smells that will irritate me are smelly feet, fishy odors, dirty garage, old homes, homes with cats or dogs, algae/fungi, under armpit and stuff like that. Since my chemo, alcohol has been a weird smell for me. After David’s showers that also reminds me of chemo days. There’s just certain smells that remind me of chemo. I really enjoy the smell of fresh flowers, scented candles, clean clothes, freshly baked bread, homemade cooking, babes under armpit deodorant, strawberries, peaches, cucumbers, pizza restaurants, some bubble baths, passing mint fields, lotions, crisp new money, bubble gum, root beer, oranges, sweat under watch, corn, fresh cut grass, barbecued stuff, women’s light perfume, fresh new car smell, newborn babies, just rained smell, back of babes neck, chap sticks, cinnamon rolls, pennies and lots of other things I might have forgotten. These things I really love to smell. When choosing my own bathroom, lotion, kitchen, laundry, candle smells or incent smells- they have to be pleasant, soft, nice and soothing to my nose senses. Automatically, I can either like, love or hate it. When its just a like then I have to q question whether or not to buy or not. I think a lot of people were born without a lot less of a nose smelling system as me. When I like things but can’t rid of the smell then I just throw it away. Or I’ll Clorox the heck out of it and see if I can get rid of the blasted smell. Usually, Clorox is really good when you want to get rid of a smell. So as you can see I’ve always had this as a very sensitive issue for me. David has to drive others in the red car just so they don’t smell up the white car. I don’t mind smoke at casinos but when its around me in any other places I go off the insane edge. Smoking is very strong for me. Well cat litter, smoke, stink feet, butt odor, ass odor are all really nasty smells that are a little irritable. My answer is shower, change your cat litter, change/wash socks, do laundry and keep clean.

WHAT DO YOU LOVE ABOUT NATURE? May 09, 2005

I love the fact that I live in a place that has four seasons. I get to see fall, spring, summer and winter. So you get the best of all worlds. In Everett, all you got was rain and that’s it. That really sucks. I mean you get an occasional sunshiny day but you mostly remember the rain that comes all the time. When it was sunny you’d go out and there’d be like butt loads of people out. I mean there’s just thousands and thousands of people over there. It’s just so crowded and over congested that its not even funny. Anyways, back to nature. I love the very high cascade mountains, the shady clouds of fog, the wind blowing against the weeds, tall weeds, sunsets, sunrises, sun against the water, freshly cut grass, fruit trees, deep woods, snowfalls, waterfalls, calm lakes, windy rivers, thousands of bugs, loads of fields, flowers, moon, stars, deserts, oceans, falling stars, hundreds of animals, butt loads of bugs, caves, gardens, planted trees, shrubs, seasonal decorations and loads of other nature that I probably missed. I think its sad when we ourselves tear our own nature by building homes, buildings and other development. Who am I to say. I think people ought to recycle too so we don’t have to t ear even more of our nature. I think its just madness. What I enjoy about getting into nature itself is the freshness, the refreshing ness, the openness and the clear, crisp fresh feeling of vast open land. Its really a natural gorgeous thing- I swear it is. Plus, when you see wild animals its always a cool thing to see. I mean the animals are free and not even caved in like a zoo animal. There’s always something nice about lots of land. I know that if one finds land today though they’ll want to buy it and build a freakin home on it. There’s just no getting away from this continual growth of population. Nature’s there but its constantly being bombarded with new roads, new streets, new buildings, new homes, new development and meeting the needs of new life! I remember one night over there in Everett I wanted to go for a nature walk that wasn’t close to the highway. Well I drove and drove for miles and I just kept running into homes everywhere. I was honestly exhausted at the end of the trip. It was insanity. I felt like crying there for awhile because of my frustration. It was pretty sad too because I was so sad at that point thinking its out of my control. When I see orchard trees being torn up I get scared thinking there’ll just be a neighborhood of homes coming in. so its just nature can be there but you have to look around. I’m just weirded out by all the houses being built. We honestly need to repair out old crime driven neighborhoods and turn those homes to nice ones. I think nature is too beautiful of a thing to just overtake and crush. I should like we’re murdering things but we need to carefully adapt to what we have now and take advantage of resources we have now. Nature should not be forced with because she controls our world temperatures and attitudes. Mother nature is one force not to take lightly. We all should love our land, nature, mother earth and appreciate the earth we have. At some point you have to stop growth!!

WHAT DO YOU FEAR LOOKING TOWARDS YOUR FUTURE? May 5, 2005

Honestly, I hope my cancer is under some control in the liver area. That’s a nasty place to have cancer. I hope after chemo and radiation it strays calm and don’t remission like other women who have had some cancer. I’m very ass scared of losing my whole breast. The thought alone is very nerve wracking and unpleasant to think about. I mean it’s a huge part of your femininity. Just like losing my hair- its very hard and difficult to deal with. After all this cancer stuff is done David will go on about looking for work again. That’s going to be a headache in itself. Work- or looking for work for me is stressful for me. Plus he’ll go on about losing weight- you gotta eat better…you gotta exercise. I’ll never hear the end of it. So these are my fears towards the future. Most of all, my health is what I’m concerned about. I also fear that I’ll not be able to have kids. I kind of know already but I think by some miraculous miracle I could possibly have my own child. Who knows really. Only the good man upstairs knows. I fear that if I can’t fight this cancer- I worry about funeral costs, my family being left behind and most of all- David being completely alone. I fear this often. I know its not healthy but realistically, I don’t know my cancers strength. I will fight my hardest but sometimes things happen. All of these are all life long questions, fears and struggles I’ll have in my future. They’re very serious questions of fate and what shall be become of my own very life. I pray for the best all the time and hope my cancer is a lot better than it was before. Also, I fear leaving nothing left behind that says something true about the real honest Jenna as herself. I’d like to leave a legend of myself that is beautiful and memorable. I hope to do so by all this writing. All in all, I hope to do as much as I can while I’m healthy and simply enjoy every single day as if it were special and true of meaning. Right now I’m taking every day one day at a time!!