Hello again- long time no see. I haven’t written forever and ever. Ick that pen sucked. Well lets see- things have been going alright. I didn’t like that pen either. I don’t know whether to write straight or silly cursive. Hmmm…. Maybe cursive. It’s cold out. Burr. Damnit- I keep switching pens. Goof. We’ve been in Goldendale close to four or maybe five months. Maybe even three- I’m not really sure. I love it here. It’s very peaceful and beautiful area of Washington State. I love that every time we go walking we get to see deer. I also don’t feel overly anxious, paranoid or overly excited. Here, you’re just simple, relaxed, monotone and carefree. I’ve written much more and enjoy seeing my family. Riding to Yakima from Goldendale is very risk taking though and scary. There’s no mid cement wall, there’s few passing lanes and too many risky attempts to pass. Cars that try have to realize there’s predominantly trucks coming towards you heads on. Numerous accidents have happened as a result of speeding, poor decisions and wanting to get by a car/truck in a hurry because they’re late or just speeding to get somewhere fast.
The power of the pen is intimidating, concrete, damaging, enriching, empowering, entertaining, damaging, self-fulfilled and even confusing. Today, the power of the pen is often transcribed through keyboards on to computers and then printers. What I mean by the power is through legal documents, signatures making documents official, those writing aim to touch or change your lives, diaries follow you innermost personal tragedies/stories, literature, poetry, short stories, novels, newspapers articles, magazine articles, songs/lyrics, news broadcasts, etc. Actually, these all started with a genuine thought. A very few have been given the gift of touching millions of lives. I find it beautiful you can actually be enriched and empowered through words, ideas, lyrics, stories, novels, poetry, fiction, non-fiction, commercial ads, magazine articles/ads, books, posters, on-line stories and even calendars. All of them expressed through ones emotions, fears, hopes, anticipations, dreams, fights, copes, struggles, and even past futures or present lives. Intensity, drive and change requires all of us to reach and look further beyond going ahead of yourself and others all the time.
Soon, I hope to have a beautiful child by the age of 31 or 32. I always envision my own child. Intensity grows as I get fewer and fewer eggs. Actually, when I say envision I just imagine names for both a boy and a girl. There are many other aspects I always have to consider also. For example, I have to keep an eye out for my health, my age a home for the child/children, community I’d want them to grow up in , a father of some sort and whether or not I’ll even be married up on conceiving my first child. These all have to be weighed out and carefully examined. I’m not sure what’s going to happen in this category of my fragile years of being in my thirties. David, believe it or not, is a very wonderful guy. A great majority of the male population can be turn aways. What I mean by turn aways is- you gave them one look, one date, one moment of maybe then put them in the turn aways section never looking back. Even while being with davit for these four years had been troublesome at times where he’s came damn near close to being a turn away. What matters to me is a soft heart that is genuinely loving and sincere. David is far from perfect but he’s a fighter and a real go-getter. That can be stubborn, senseless and overdramatic. Can I be happier? Yeah, of course. Who couldn’t be? There are things about him that make my hair turn gray or my urge to rip some shirts off and go WWF. Man I just get pissed at some things he says and some things he does. It’s all part of being in a relationship or being around each other all the time. His talented gift with money is a great resource but his weakness comes when he’ll refer to spending on a daily basis. We can be at a store and I’ll want something then he’ll be like- I can’t spend a lot of money now- I only have a little money. Yes, yes- I understand the importance of being frugal and living within your means, but he can go overboard at time. Roles can be reversed and I’d know the importance of saving here and there but I wouldn’t overkill like David.
The problem with complaining is that I often have nothing to retaliate my arguments. I guess in a sense- it’s just the degradation I feel when he can be cruel and dispassionate. His mannerism can turn to a jackass making me feel less than usual. A great majority of the time I just take it in and swallow with no intentions to fight back. Doing so would result in my emotional downfall leading to crying for endless hours but start off with a ridiculous fight. This fight would entail me to be a wuss saying why you’re not working, why little exercise does me no good and my low self-esteem can be another low blow to my overall weakness self. Asking for a couple dollars only ends up an angry shake of the head and endless continuation of me nagging for money. I try to avoid at all costs.
Contributing absolutely nothing to the household income has been the main strain in our relationship. I’m no good with money and he’s a financial genius. The idea alone that I’m not even self-dependent or not even self made give up my vulnerability as a weak mate and doing poorly in the U.S. marking world. My only source of money is a $100 month percapita check every month. I’m not going to a self-pity party here because I thought this all on to myself. I’m my own worst enemy. I search for my inner power all the time only becoming more cabin fevered and sheltered day in and day out. I grasp my weaknesses but never carry out strategies that would enable a self therapy of some sort.
Overall, I feel very powerless. I can’t fight for what I want or believe in, speak up to the world or hold my head high. Not saying I’m screaming for attention, but only proving a point and knowing all of the differences between right/wrong, yes/no, him/her. I don’t eat up being the center of attention, nor ever really did. I’d rather have a back ends view of everyone else then I’d step in or interrupt only when they’re incorrect, rude, impolite, mislead or even carrying on and repeating over and over.
Everyone’s entitled to an opinion also. In everyone’s mind their belief is their own. I have no energy to debate on certain issues that can be dragged out to layers and layers of nothingness. What comes out is only two sides of gibberish that stays gibberish. Men fancy this argumentative junk with welcome arms more than women. I don’t know though women are just as mean, feisty, nasty, backstabbing, catty, wicked and bitchy. The role of women is changing dramatically. Offices are flooded with women. County, city and even office type of governments are ran by women. I find it breathtaking but frightfully scary in many ways. Strangely, these seem to be a serious strain in the professional relationships among the internal environment itself. Where I’m going with all of this is tough competition, stressful workplace and difficult complexes.
Another side to a predominantly female is the compassion for parental needs to take day/afternoon off, togetherness of womanly brunches and strategic work methodologies different from males. What those differences may be depends on type of work: right now I’m just bitter because lots of other women have a job and not me. L That should be me being an asshole to everyone knowing I get a paycheck. But it’s not so I just vent out anger and frustration. Anyways, - Hahaha!! Men suck. They’re so childish and immature. They’re all the same. The straight ones anyways. Ok not all but a great 98% of them are just a joke to humankind. Thank gawd we can’t read other minds because I bet every woman would be upset and disgustingly angry by their innermost thoughts. Already as it is, women are reading men a lot more and as a result becoming much more independent. We don’t have to clean after their disgusting asses, put up with their childish mentality, play with their selfish games, listen to their BS, put up with their BS or drain all energies in a relationship not even worth working for. Historically, women have stayed home and watched the kids at home. This made the female counterparts weak and extremely reliable or dependent on the male species. Today, women can get a degree online, work days/got to school nights, live alone and also own a car/home. There’s a lot of possibilities.
It’s very interesting Kerry lost against President George W. Bush. The day of the presidential race was intense and very exciting. Kerry got key states with a lot of electoral votes but it just wasn’t enough at the very end to get 270. It was neck to neck 252 to 254 with Bush barely leading. So it was very close. I was disappointed because I felt Kerry would have done a good job. Great race to watch though.
We have Amy’s old white Subaru, our station wage old Subaru and the coolass Chevy truck. None of them have shit for a radio though. It sucks. My passion for music has existed for a really long time. It’s a huge chunk of my soul enlightenment. No tape/cd player in none of the cars is darkening and teeth shattering. Naturally, I’ll always love music which will continue to have me listen to music forever and ever.
I’ve never been a huge fan of live music or concerts though. I do see some thinking it was entertaining but there are very few. Now, there’s a reason for this. I just don’t do well in crowds, public get togethers or busy places. The more people the more insane I’d go. I get nervous, anxious to get away from everyone, inability to fit in or even wanting to fit in really, angry knowing many are rude, pollution will be inevitable. Knowing outhouses are flooded or that garbage cans are flooded with no recycling bins made available. Snobbery makes me angry to where people aim to outdo each other gets a little ridiculous. “What for” is going through in my mind. I’m no less/more than anyone else. Nor is everybody else. We’re all humans breathing the same air, all eating or coping with some sort of weak securities.
I sometimes feel a certain empowerment by being of Native American blood. An air of powerful peoples and strong culture of history. When I was younger I was ashamed. Ashamed because Indians were all drunks dressed in funny colored dressing having pow-wow parties all the time. Growing up in a predominantly white school kind of emphasized the shame. Through my cousins or wonderful friends I managed to survive the struggling strain of child/teenage school years. Without them I’d be a dropout not have been able to go nowhere. Therefore, I praise to have even known them. They stuck up for me when I was weak. They were my voice when I had no voice or fight.
Native Americans are seen as poor figures when you’re younger. Growing up and becoming more aware of what Native Americans brought to the U.S.A you proudly name your tribe. You get rights not shared with many other Americans. You’re privileged with opportunities beyond many out there that cry or bitch because of the things we get. You’re given a strong backbone of historical treasured beauty. Some would argue saying the Native Americans are poor drunkens. There are a great amount that seem to be suffering in poverty, low income homes and weak role models. They impact everyone else. Not directly but as the whole Native American tribe itself.
Much can be said through the historical viewpoint plus the many wonderful things offered by the people. I think I had this shame when I was younger because the teachings in history classes were shady. The coverage of the Native American history was displayed as the people being scavenging head scalpers or murderers. College emphasized the historical truths and struggles.
We were killed off by disease predominantly, we had to keep moving from land to land in order to not to get kicked off, had to sign false documents from government saying we’d get this or that, forcefully bullied to move off our own land, forced into religious beliefs, dishonored as a people and wrongfully took advantage of our overall weaknesses. To a huge degree, it has left us resentful and angry. We’re not going to lose sleep over it though. We’re going to strive to unite as a nation resolving tribal issues or coming together with social issues or political issues.
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