It snowed hard here on Tuesday. David didn’t have to work this cold and breezy Tuesday afternoon. Right now there’s terrible ice rain coming down like cats and dogs. We’re looking for a new TV because the picture’s going out on our TV. We came home one night and the picture just faded. It really sucked because it was most likely from the fire. Stupid insurance guys a jerk. He told David to be careful cuz probably get stolen. I think he just put up a jinx on us--bastard.
I just took another period pill to help the swelling of my ovaries. For some reason it feels like I have to constantly pee. I sit on the toilet and a dribble of five drips bounce the toilet pool making a movie-esque drip drop sound. Thank God and the very find makers of my pms pills but also the mental agony of having to bitch about my pains until further prevention prevails. I’ve noticed that camping, cold weather and sleepovers at another house doesn’t blend well with my menstrual cycle. It’s very close to mixing cleaning products and Clorox- poisonous and very fatal! Not to say I will use my insanity to destruct or do damage.
I just want to clearly state that welcoming my God-given right as a woman is unpleasant and very extensive for me. Ever since this IUD was placed inside me-it’s just been struggle some. On a good note though, I haven’t had any children. Certainly wouldn’t want to bring a child in my state of mind and I ‘m not even prepared. Who is actually prepared though? I’m very much capable of having a child and giving him/her all the love in the world I can offer is good enough. I would just want to give them- well no I’m more than ready. I’m not making excuses at all. No really! Davids the one not ready and unwilling to make such a brave and bold step. He wants me financially stable before we have kids. I’ve just gone downhill these past few years.
I gamble like a compulsive addict, I quit jobs because the environments make me emotionally depressed, I live too far away from my family and miss them all the time, eat like a cow grazing, sleep too much, lost ambition to even write poetry on days or to even download music, don’t want to look for work, bitch cuz I’m lazy/scared/pathetic/ weak/ shy/ boring and so forth, have no real friends (practically), want to always open credit card accounts, don’t even write to anyone anymore and just overall lost with dragged on torment and shame. I have no one to blame but myself. I put myself in these situations and should have the capability to get myself out. I make it sound like I’m this complete and utter failure that is just giving up and puts up no effort at all. I’m not. I have many positive attributes to contribute to this simple world of ours. I shall overcome or slither around at leas, some of these lows by restructuring my attitudes towards myself and others. After all, I am my own monster who only scares my inner shadow of weaknesses.
Contemplating a complete change or turn around in life would only be running away. Not facing the core issues in my life would be part of the running away and the ignorance of what’s truly bothering me. Some things I could do is make a list of what I truly want vs. what makes me sad, what I should do today vs. what are some things unchangeable about myself, who do I enjoy being around vs. who don’t I like being around much, what attributes I like about me vs. ones I don’t like at all, what do you enjoy doing vs. what types of activities you dislike but do anyways just because (example: for boyfriend, family, friends) and so forth. These are all great starters of what I should be doing.
Carefully examining each and every one of them and then puzzling them all together is a key factor. What results are the upcoming solutions to this puzzle bringing all the pieces together. I like to carefully write down personality traits I desire in others because this is often a reflections of the person I strive to be or aim to be. My boyfriend clearly states this. The persons we aim to be are very much different from ourselves. Not necessarily, but his “hero” is someone I’d rather not be associated with. For relationships sake, I do so anyways to keep this “hero” state of mind strong and forth going.
I mean if David were to tell me he never wants to go see some my girlfriends I’d be enraged. Therefore, I must respect the wishes of keeping relationships with his influences. I actually try to shadow my own boyfriend because he’s such a unique person with his own gifted world of toughness that takes you by surprise. He makes you step back a step to ponder the impossible and lets you have faith or the possibility to imagine almost anything. He’s such a beautiful character who holds back no grudges or regrets. He only tries to make any negatives into positives with constant scenarios of what will make this or that work. I couldn’t imagine anyone with his bullheaded attitude or authoritative presence. I just adore him more than anything in the world and can’t imagine ever hurting him- EVER. I would just fall to the very bottom pit of the ocean and drown forever in my tears.
Behind this bullish man lies a gentle, caring, tender, sensitive, sweet and loving teddy bear. I just treasure his genuine good heart and blissful smile that forever make my days go peaceful and wonderfully. Thanks God and Cupid. My last intention in life is to intentionally drain another with my complications, downfalls or baggage. I know well enough what I’ve down wrong, what I need to change and reflections needing emphasis. I don’t need pity, a shoulder to cry on all the damn time or use a sob story to get something by manipulation. I’ve witnessed such pathetic displays and only thought one thing: weak, very ass weak. I have to also take the level of mentality of such deceptive behaviors. Not only those doing the behaviors but the suckers falling for such acts which only calls for repetitive actions. I’ve done both in the past but was well enough aware not to let it go overboard or continue for a very long time.
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