Well in about an hour and half David will be getting up to start getting ready for work. I should be sleepy by then. This will be his third day working for the Hood River Sand & Gravel Company. Tomorrow will (today really) be his third day. This time he’ll drive to Bickleton. David didn’t go with me to moms for Jerry’s birthday on Sunday. He had to get up early and get ready for work. Duval came with me and its been really ass nice having him here. First day we just watched Oprah, went shopping and made slum gully for dinner. Tuesday we got up, ate and then went to the Dalles to recycle our cans. I got pulled over, didn’t have my license on me and got a warning. I just got a warning for running a red light. I was kind of scared that I’d actually get a ticket. Tonight’s- well last nights dinner we had corn, green beans and shake n back chicken. Yummiez. Duval cooked the chicken. Jerry’s birthday went really great. David and I got him a jacket, blanket, reeses cups, beef jerky, shaving cream and bars of soap. He liked all the gifts a lot. Anne got all the stuff for dinner and Duval cooked it. I came to terms that I need serious help gambling. Its just ridiculous- this crazy problem I have. God will be by my side next time. Well I’m sure he always has been. Probably telling me to be happy with what you got and give to others. I just got foolish. I still am really foolish. David is sick of me I think. I can’t blame him. I’m just so super negative that its not even funny. I’d so much like to quit. Its easier said than done though. I need strength to try to overcome this weird need to gamble. I just hope I find it in myself to give it up one day. I mean my credit card is maxed out to $3400 and my checking account is negative $381. I mean its just plain ass ridiculous.
I think of my poorness today and think how much I’d like to give money to poor who would like to have a nice warm mean, a warm blanket at night, a toothbrush and toothpaste to brush their teeth, pillows to lay on and so forth. So many, as I was today and desperate. When Duval and I were scrounging around here and there recycling cans- I felt what the other poor people felt. I felt pathetic and desperate. I watched others watch the poor as if they were low life’s. This made me sick to the stomach because all of have different stories and backgrounds. We’re all knitted as one. We should all love other and respect each other. It saddens me tremendously that mankind can be so inhumane, heartless, cruel, nasty and rude towards each other.
I was thankful for the $15 Duval and I got from the plastic bottles and cans. I was even thankful for the money mom, Dawn and Duval got me when we came back Sunday night. Oh yeah Duval and I were cashing in some change on the way back and the guy at 7-11 said no being a real ass hole saying no change allowed. Duval said we should have gotten 15 in gas there but I was like, hell no, I’m not even going to give them my business ever again. So we drove to Zillah on empty putting 20 there and both Duval and I got a soda. We saw a deer on the way back. It was interesting because I was driving slow and missed it. I think I’d like to move away. Just go far away where nobody knows me and just start my whole life over.
Then I think about it realistically I would never do it because I’d miss the whole family. Maybe have like amnesia or something like that. Nah- maybe none of that. I just need to change my life dramatically. Be more realistic and practical of life itself. I mean realistically I’ not going to get my dram car, house and health insurance by being a lazy fat ass. I need realistic goals with concrete evidence that that’s what I want to do.
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