CAKE, FUNNY STORIES, BREASTS REMOVED AND MY ENTERTAINMENT OF THOUGHT June 29, 2005 2:23 a.m. in the morning

David and I have been sleeping in different beds. I have no complaints really. I’ve always done my best writing in the wee a.m. mornings when its been silent. I think I just concentrate better really. I guess you could say that distractions do interrupt my train of thought. I’ve always been a huge procrastinator. Doing things at the last moment has always been a huge weakness for me. Oh my- I’m already meeting with the radiologist and surgeon on Thursday. I’m very determined NOT to get surgery and getting my whole breast removed. I’m just very sure of this. Whatever results, I hope God watches me in this decision of mine. I know he will though. I’ve been going through rocky times in my relationship with David. I’ve been having these up and downs. Oh like I said- we’ve been sleeping in the opposite of bedrooms. I think this has actually enhanced our relationship really. We both sleep better, hold each other more and talk more. I enjoy the ability to stay up at a much later time and David loves getting up earlier. So I think its just really nice. We honestly don’t have booty call anymore. I haven’t been wanting any nasty anyways. I’ll regain superwoman fire back here one day though. Not like I’m some dead fish or anything when it comes to this matter or anything. Now just isn’t the time really. I sure hope Braden’s firework stand does really well. Every year I hope this and every year it sure does. Oh yeah- my 31st birthday went wonderfully. Cake was delicious. All my gifts were really ass cool. Gifts are always fun to get. Especially when they’re given out of true love. My whole family was there telling “Jenna” stories . Anne’s was really ass embarrassing cuz she brought up my shitting in the summer story. Gawd talk about wayass drama. Well, it was all in fun though. Even since Anne’s surgery she’s been “off.” well a little confused really. It saddens me to see this. Makes me angry too but there isn’t much one can do. Can’t go back and change history. David’s been working on the Rock crawl event. Making flyers, fixing the drain system and cleaning the bathrooms. I’m excited that we’ll get a butt load of people here at the RV park. David will make good money that weekend. Oh I went negative in my checking account again and we fought about it. I wanted to move out and not hear his bullshit anymore. I honestly did. Oh that’s when I started sleeping in the other room. I’m so weirded out by my whole life. I’m thinking way too damn philosophical I swear. I ask too many silly questions about the purpose of life and why we’re kind of stuff. It keeps me wondering all the time. I just think about this all the time. Am I doing what I’m supposed to be doing? Am I going the right way? Should I do more/less? I mean I have no idea. I myself can only answer the questions I guess. Depends on my will and courage too. There’s a lot of other things that entertain my train of thoughts as well. For example, is there reincarnation? Can we travel in time? Do aliens exist? What’s the black hole? Are soul mates actually soul mates? Does God come to earth sometimes? Does hell exist? Do we have guardian angels? There are tons of other things I probably forgot. I just have theories and other peoples theories and only hypothesize what my be the truth and what may be fiction. I need to think of some ideas of what my family and I could do to entertain ourselves to move away from gambling addictions. I thought of a few ideas- we could bowl, go ride to the mountains, go to the movies, play UNO, play cards, write, sew, summer physical activities , yard sales, go fishing, go to thrift stores- well lots of other stuff. Gambling is just very hard to stay away from. Its addictive and very compulsive. All I do is just lose. This is very sick because I withdraw money like crazy and just end up losing like crazy. I turn to a raging gambling lunatic with no sense I swear. I honestly want to quit. I probably will be back one day!