There are days when giving up is ridiculous as an option. Well that everyday really. Breast cancer is so scary and difficult. Now though, I’m not so scared band constantly scared of what’s going to happen next. It was 2004 when I started having the symptoms of breast cancer. My right breast cancer kept getting these sharp pains that’d just be painful as could be. David heard it was from caffeine so I had no caffeine. My doctor (Indian Health) told me to take Ibuprofen and heat pack my breast. I did for awhile but it really didn’t take the pain away. So I went back to my doctor saying its not working.
Months went by at this point so she has me go get a mammogram. Those hurt when your breasts are being super squished together. Nothing really came from that so next I get a biopsy. I get the biopsy like on one day and soon after I get the results in Toppenish. I remember that day. We drove to Sunnyside first by mistake. Well actually, the dummies never told use we had to go to Toppenish. Anyways, we get to the appointment late because we were in the wrong city. Then when we get to Toppenish we couldn’t even find the right place. I get to the doctors room wondering why my breast has been hurting all these months.
David said he’d leave the building and wander around. The doctor comes in and tells me the shocking news. At first, I was shocked thinking OMG! Not swallowing the real impact of this all. I ask questions but they all come to an end. I break out crying like there’s no tomorrow. David told me soda pop was the cause of the pain in my breast so I asked the doctor if I could have soda now. He told me I can have anything I wanted to eat or drink. I was happy about that crying while in the room with the doctor- he tells me I need surgery the following Wednesday to get my breast removed. I’m crying too hard to wait outside in the lobby because there’s so many people. So they have me wait in the room. David wasn’t to be seen. I’m making arrangements (blood work/x-rays) to get my breast removed. Not thinking this was okay, my mom immediately calls Indian Health saying no this don’t seem right. She got a schedule appointment to see another doctor so we can have a second opinion. So that Friday we seen Dr. Berfeld in Yakima. He advised surgery wouldn’t be the wisest decision now. So I changed doctors and changed to an actual oncologist specialist. I don’t even think the first doctor was even an oncologist at all.
Today, I have a Dr. Vicky Jones in Yakima who is an oncologist. I’ve had many tests and she decided chemo was my best alternatives. I’ve already done 4-6 chemo sessions and my fifth one is due in like 10-12 days (May 2nd). I’m way excited hoping all of my chemo has been successful. I know in the right breast its been a success. I truly miss my hair. Hot flashes can be a wee much but I see it as a positive. I have endless questions about the aftermath of chemo. Am I going to lost my breast? How is radiation? How long is radiation? How careful do we have to watch my liver? How long before my hair grows back? Its just questions like these I keep wondering about! Just like before breast cancer, I keep asking myself- well telling myself, you’re not really living up to your true and full self like you should be!
I keep playing in mind the old saying of “I need to” do kind of attitude. My concentration seems a lot worse. I honestly haven’t written very many poems as I used to be. Weird thing is I take nothing for granted. I can easily get rid of things much easier now too. Before, I’d be queen bee of pack racking and throw diddly away. I’d throw everything away if it meant all the happiness in the world for my brothers, my sisters, my mom and my boyfriend. Their existence is my own happiness and well being. If their unhappy then that’s a chain reaction where I’ll be unhappy. Plus, you’re born with nothing and you leave with nothing. That’s in personal belongings. Many things do carry an emotional history and sentimental value. Behind that is love.
So you actually pass on love and the stories behind each item. It’s kind of a passing memoir of the original owners taste their interest and their likes. Also, you tell fables/ stories about those things. Like, they had everything butterfly/purple, etc. I know those things don’t go with you when you pass- they actually leave stories of you on and on.
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